Saturday, January 31, 2004

Jay Leno Wal Mart Batman Receipts

Got a hit from somebody searching Jay Leno Wal-Mart Batman Receipts today. I was the third thing that came up on google.

However, if you type in: David Letterman Batman Wal-Mart Receipts, I am the second entry on Google.

Just so we know where I stand.

Friday, January 30, 2004

A Reader Question

Just out of curiosity, how many of you folks reading my blog wear glasses/contacts? Tell me if you do in the comment section. (If you don't know, or were wondering, I do. Because my eyes is farsighted and astigmatic).
It's Strategery, Dammit!

SKBubba, with a brief commentary on the English language in the current political environment.....
Wrasslin' Ramblins: Grim Thoughts on the Royal Rumble

I'm watching the Ric Flair DVD the WWE put out's a good collection.

I like that it contains the entire 60 minute Royal Rumble from 1992, when Flair was the last man standing to win the World Title.

I got to wondering, since wrestlers have quite the low average lifespan, how many were dead.

Two of the 30 participants in the 1992 Royal Rumble are no longer with us. Which is actually a lower number than I thought had died. 1991's Rumble takes the cake....a whopping 6 out of the 30 participants have left us. Those from 1992, however, are: The British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith, who suffered a heart attack in 2002, and the Texas Tornado Kerry von Erich, who took his own life in 1994.

But notable from around the ring.....referee Joey Marella died in a car wreck in 1994....ring announcer Gorilla Monsoon died due to diabetic complications in 1999....Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig, who acts as Flair's manager and escorts him to the ring, died in 2003....and former WWF President Jack Tunney, who appears briefly at the Rumble's beginning, died earlier this week.
Dead Person's Knees

A few days ago, my Dad had a small incident involving a chair, a lightbulb, gravity and his knee. And right around the same time as my birthday next month, he gets to have some cutting and pasting done on that knees, as he's done horrible, rending damage to his ACL.

His replacement ACL will come out of a cadaver. Because it just wouldn't do to have everyday Joe Walkaround donating ligaments out of his knees. I got to thinking about this last night, and this is great! Because it means my Dad will be a small percentage zombie, and maybe he can convince Mom to serve brains every now and then.

People brains. Healthy people brains. And not any of those bovine spongiform encephalopathy brains. And none of those special brains. You know...the one's from Abby...some one

Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?

Igor: And you won't be angry?

Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.

Igor: Abby someone.

Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Abby someone. Abby who?

Igor: Abby Normal.

Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Abby Normal?

Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.

Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Do you mean to tell me that I put an abnormal brain into an, 8 foot tall, 300 pound, GORILLA?

What a great flick. Is there a modern day equivalent to Marty Feldman?

He'll get to work from home for a little while, too, after his surgery. I can't say that the dogs will mind the company, and I'd say they'll give him considerably less guff than his co-workers. Except that he'll occasionally have to let the dogs out to go poop. But to hear him tell it, he's got a couple he's got to do that for at work, anyway.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Big Stupid Tommy

I grind my own coffee beans.

And I have an older model coffee grinder, where you put the beans in the top, and they come out on the side, deposited into another compartment.

Well, had a Stupid moment, and forgot to pull the ground compartment off the dish drying rack. Put the beans in....

I did learn that you can shoot ground coffee beans up a good four feet if the catcher isn't in place.

The worst part was where my sleep-addled brain took a good second or two to actually ask: What's going on? Before I could figure it all out.

In my own defense, I usually keep an adequate supply ground, in case I need to make some just after waking up. But I'd used it all up the night before, and hadn't ground up any new.....
A brief conversation I had this morning....

As a co-worker (Judy) and I were leaving work, we said goodbye to a co-worker who was just starting her day....I've had a run-in or two with this lady, who is absolutely one of the most bitter people I've ever met in my life:

Judy (to the old wench): See you....

Me (to the old wench): Have a Good One.....

Old Wench: Yeah....Whatever......

Me (as we go outside): She's pretty hateful, huh?

Judy: You should go easy on her. She's just got one kidney....

Me: One kidney makes her crotchety?

Judy: Well, her one kidney isn't working too well. Plus, she's been losing all that weight and the doctors don't know why...

Me: That's what being mean to me gets you.

Judy: Quit being silly.

Me: I'm just saying if she's that bad off she needs to be nicer. To build up brownie points.

Judy: What points?

Me: Brownie points. For heaven. She should be nicer to people, instead of meaner.

Judy: That's true for everybody.

Me: Well now you're just talking silly.....

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

18 years

Hard to believe that it was 18 years ago today that the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded after liftoff.

I wasn't in school that day. I don't remember why, though I think it was a teachers' inservice day. I was at the home of the lady who normally took care of my sister, and I can remember wanting to watch the liftoff because we'd been doing all manner of "Teacher in Space" work at school leading up to Christa McAuliffe's trip.

Even when Eleanor (the babysitter) put all the other kids to nap, she let me keep watching the news coverage. In retrospect, probably not the healthiest thing to do to an 8 year old. But it'll always stick with me.

Sheila and Bill add their thoughts.
Magic Pants

I bought some bright orange warm up pants that are convertible to shorts. You just unzip the legs, and BAM! they're shorts. (They become shorts without the loud noise....I would hate to have the neighbors complain that there's a loud noise coming from my apartment anytime he turns his pants into shorts.)

I'm sure there's some manner of technical or "correct" name for pants that have unzippable legs and become shorts on a mere thought....but I'm going to refer to them forever as my "Magic Pants."

See, being from where I'm from (the Mind of God), you see many pairs of shorts that were once longer pants. Usually when you go swimming. It is cheaper to turn a raggedy pair of blue jeans into swim gear than to go out and buy one of those newfangled swimsuits.

There have been a couple of episodes of Letterman where Dave plays "Can we turn your pants into shorts?" And he cuts the legs off the nice trousers he wears for his show. I think even Mel Gibson got in on that action, when he was a guest.

Fortunately, where it concerns my Magic Pants, the legs when the pants are in "shorts mode" still reach down to around my knees. I can't see any need (for my use) in which my pants would have legs that zip off to make Daisy Duke style shorts.

Last thing on the Magic Pants? They're bright neon orange.

They're so bright that if you look out your window right now, you can probably see me glowing off in the distance.

They're so bright that they just did my taxes.

They're so bright that they beat me at Jeopardy!

They're so bright that they wrote that post on Verb Tense and Aspect.
Verb Tense and Aspect

What follows are various uses of tense and aspect. These are contructions we use every day to make our speech more specific. This exercise is to draw your attention to why we make the subtle distinctions:

Simple Present:

He kicks people.

Simple Past:

He kicked his roommate.

Simple Future:

He will kick him again tomorrow.

Present Progressive:

He is kicking his roommate right now.

Past Progressive:

He was kicking the neighbors when the police came.

Future Profressive:

He will be kicking them all tomorrow, after he gets out of jail.

Present Perfect:

He has kicked them all for many years.

Past Perfect:

He had kicked them every day.

Future Perfect:

He will have kicked them many times, by this time tomorrow.

Present Perfect Progressive:

He has been kicking them since sunrise.

Past Perfect Progressive:

He had been kicking despite our pleas to stop.

Future Perfect Progressive:

He will have been kicking them for hours when he stops.
Today's Funny

From Bob and Tom's joke page:

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said:

"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the shed on fire."

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Today, Big Stupid Tommy is.....Happy

First, the roommate made me try to differentiate between gallons of water in the refrigerator by asking me if the bigger was his....

And here I thought 1 gallon=1 gallon.

But more:

There were fears of millions upon millions of dollars worth of repairs needed to my truck....and the cost was significantly less than that. Huzzah!
Laugh and Laugh and Laugh and Laugh

The Filthy Hippy brings you one of the funniest comic strips ever put on the page.

Sam Henderson, of course, is one of the driving forces behind the juggernaut that is Spongebob Squarepants.

Magic Whistle is hilarious. If you ever get a chance to pick up a copy, I highly recommend it.

Monday, January 26, 2004

The Downloadable Don Knotts

Special for you: Don Knotts: An Evening with Me....

I've probably posted it before...but a Don Knotts album is just one of those things that bears repeating.

I used to work with a fellow named Ed, who lived in L.A. for a little while after he'd gotten out of the Army in the early 60's, and there he worked a little at a mechanic's shop. One day, after he'd worked there for a few weeks, he was called out to look at a car a customer had just brought in, to see if a problem could be diagnosed and fixed quickly.

He didn't look at the guy that closely, instead just looking down under the hood. When he decided that it couldn't be fixed right there, and the guy would have to leave the car....he heard "Doggone it," and looked up and realized that it was Don Knotts he'd been talking to.

He worked on Don's car, and apparently Mr. Knotts is a nice tipper, as well.
While I Was Sleeping

We had the Golden Globes, which are always kind of interesting to watch, because occasionally you'll get a drunk movie or TV star up on stage.

The Office won the award for Best Comedy Series. I really enjoyed The Office. There's an incident and a conversation between Tim and Gareth about a stapler in the first episode that made me laugh so hard I missed the next couple of minutes of what happened.

Saw that Renee Zellweger, won...she was very good in Cold Mountain.

Tim Robbins won best Supporting Actor for Mystic River, over Last Samurai's Ken Watanabe. Bill McCabe disagreed. I felt like, as great as Ken Watanabe was in Samurai (and he was excellent), Tim Robbins shed all his skin and become somebody else completely when he played Dave Boyle in Mystic River. I read Dennis Lehane's book, and saw somebody else completely in my mind, but Robbins' performance convinced me totally.

And Bill Murray got awarded for Lost in Translation. From the CNN article:

"There are so many people taking credit for this that I don't know where to begin," Murray said. He also thanked director Sofia Coppola "for writing a film that was so good that everybody in this room says, 'That lucky son of a bitch: It could have been me.' "

Oscar nominations come out Tuesday, right? I say I don't care...but yeah, I do.

Moving On.....

The WWE held the Royal Rumble tonight. The Royal Rumble is my favorite pro wrestling event. It's a 30 man, over-the-top rope Battle Royal, with entrants entering at 2 minute intervals, and the last man standing getting the main event title shot at Wrestlemania, which is the biggest show of the year.

For one, I just like Battle Royals. I think they make for interesting storytelling, and I always wonder about the logisitics of trying to tell several different stories at the same time in the same ring. The WWE has made it even more interesting the past couple of years, as they split their roster in two between their Raw show on Spike TV, and their Smackdown show on UPN, with very little crossover between the two. So the Rumble match is not just 30 guys with stories, there are stories from two different shows that intersect.

And for another, the Royal Rumble is the one pro-wrestling event where little unpredictable things can still happen, even in the pre-determined world that is the squared circle.

Chris Benoit won, which is excellent. I remember first noticing Benoit way back in 93 or 94 when he did a stint for ECW, which ran on SportSouth, and thinking "this guy's frigging awesome." And then he showed up in WCW, and he was one of the reasons I made sure to watch Nitro every Monday.

Benoit's a worker out of the Bret Hart mold, in my mind. His ring skills and his ability to carry duller workers to a good performance have gotten him to the top, more than a flashy persona or over-the-top microphone work. He's also smaller than 90% of the wrestlers on the WWE roster, and given Vince McMahon's hard-on for giant musclebound guys having a punch and kick contest, it's a breath of fresh air to see somebody smaller and more technically skilled than most, like Chris Benoit, make it to the Main Event of the Biggest Show of the Year.


While I was sleeping, I had a dream about riding on a train. One of the cars was a prison car, and if you did anything to piss off the Commandant, you got sent to the prison car. I didn't get sent there, but everybody in my party did. And then there was a prison riot on the train....Remember the scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, when Pee Wee is saving the animals from the burning pet store? The prison riot was nothing but small animals running past my seat.

Well. It's 2 in the morning. Let's see what manner of deviltry I can get into tonight.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Found Treasure, times 2

While out for my walk early this afternoon, I happened to look down, under a bush, and saw what I thought was a CD. I picked it up, and it's a DVD copy of the movie Fallen.

Now, it's pretty scratched up, and there's even an 1/8" chunk missing off one of the edges. So it's not viewable, or even all that attractive to have and use as a coaster. But I stuck it in my jacket pocket.

I pondered. What I didn't get is why I found a copy of the DVD (no case) under a bush along a pretty busy road. I mean, even if you didn't like the movie (and if memory serves, I wasn't that crazy about it either), why would you choose the moment you're running down a four lane road to toss it out? Wouldn't your own trash can be a more appropriate place to put it, if you didn't care for it? Or perhaps the dumpster behind your favorite convenience store? Or in the automatic compactors that they have at my local Taco Bell? I'd like to hear what a bunch of DVD's in a trash compactor sounds like.

Maybe the person who lost it really didn't care for it, to the point that throwing what they thought of as a horrible movie onto somebody else's lawn was an equivalent of having their dog poop there.

Or maybe they put it under the bush to use as fertilizer. And now somebody's pissed off at me for having stolen fertilizer from them.

I guess we'll never know for sure.

But still, it's better than what you normally find along the streets of my town (beer cans, coke bottles, losing scratchoff lottery tickets and shoes....lots and lots of shoes).

I saved that DVD. It's unplayable, but I figured the roommate would want it. So I duct-taped it to his door, where he's sure to find it.

Lastly, I was returning my rented movies to the movie store, and I have one more that I want to recommend. Cabin Fever.

Now, I warn you. It's going to be found in the horror section, and it's got it's scary and pretty gorey parts. In fact, it's about a flesh-eating virus, and when I watched it, I wasn't actually in the mood for a really nasty, sticky, bloody movie (Why'd I rent a movie I wasn't in the mood for? Cuz I'm Stupid). So I decided that if the plot wasn't worth following, and it got a little too nasty, I'd just say screw it and go read a book.

It never happened.

I like Cabin Fever. Yeah, it's a horror movie. And yeah, it's pretty gross.

But I don't recommend watching it like a horror movie.

Watch it like the black and absurd comedy that it is.

First, its main character is played by Rider Strong, who played the best friend on that Boy Meets World show, and whose name sounds like he should be in porn. And time will tell. Name is destiny, my friend.

There's a woman who beats up a dead pig.

And there are hillbillies. And Cabins! A bit like the Evil Dead Cabin, but with no demons...only flesh eating viruses.

And then there's the little kid who starts ranting about pancakes and doing kung-fu at one of the characters for NO REASON!

And the biggest physical villain is a really ferocious dog....and as a bit of trivia, the first dog they hired to play the ferocious dog yielded about two minutes of usable footage, owing to it's being both fat and amiable. They hired a police dog, which ended up being so ferocious that they couldn't actually film it with any of the actors.....

Joe Bob Briggs would have liked this one.

I say again. Watch Cabin Fever, but watch it as a comedy. An especially gorey comedy. And actually, that's kind of what I think the makers of the film went for, and the movie got a bit mis-handled in its marketing.

(Watching the movie half-lit couldn't hurt, either).
The Crappiest Sunday All Winter

Here's an idea for the NFL, that I'm sure others have had, too:

We've got this whole pointless two week break between the Conference Championship weekend and Super Sunday....why not do something like put the Pro Bowl on the Sunday between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl?

I mean, nobody really cares about the Pro Bowl, anyway, right? After the Super Bowl, most football fans are looking forward to the draft. It's not like after the Super Bowl, many people start organizing the Pro Bowl party. It's just kind of like a pathetic afterthought.

In terms of media coverage and marketing, this is the one area Major League Baseball still manages to do better than the NFL....Baseball's All Star Game is still the second biggest event on its calendar....the Pro Bowl is like the kid brother of the Super Bowl who tags along yelling "Hey Guys, Wait Up!"

It wouldn't be hard to make it work. Most of the guys on the rosters have already had a couple or three weeks off (somewhat less for those losing teams in the playoffs). You could even make it so that players who will be playing in the Super Bowl the next weekend would be exempt from having to go to Hawaii. Sure, you'd occasionally be losing a big name or two from the AFC or NFC rosters....but how many people are tuning into the Pro Bowl already? Let alone just to watch that one or two players from the Super Bowl teams....

It'd be like one last look back at the season that was, before the Season's finale on Super Sunday.

I say this mostly because I'm not a basketball or hockey fan, and a winter Sunday like this one seems kind of pointless without a football game to watch.

And on the 2 week break....I say this without looking at my ESPN almanac, but it seems like the actual Super Bowl games are even more boring than usual when there's a two week break for a team to prepare. Because one or both teams seem to lose the intensity and momentum they built, as it gets sapped away by the media crush that surround the game.

And just a brief comment on the NFL's parity, where any team can make it to the BIG GAME...that's all well and good, and I'm sure it has the intended consequence of making a lot more money for a lot more teams. But I can't remember ever having given a crap about either the Patriots or the Carolina Panthers (except when Rae Carruth ran from murder charges and hid in a car trunk not too far from me here in Tennessee) in all my life.

I mean, if the Titans were there, I'd naturally be interested. But I'd be able to get behind a few other teams....and at least if it were the Cowboys, Ravens or Broncos playing, I would have an actual rooting interest against those three teams.

But the Patriots and Panthers both fall into that wasteland of teams that evoke no emotional response in me. No matter that I actually enjoy watching the football that both teams play. And that's the price you pay for parity, sometimes.

Maybe I'll feel different in a week, and be able to cheer for the Evil Genius that is Bill Belichick or the feel-good underdog story that the media wants to make He Hate Me and the Carolina Panthers into. But a week away, I'm not really giving a crap in either direction.
Obscure BST Trivia

It was on this date in 1984 that I first heard this joke:

What is Blue and Sits on a Toilet?

A Policeman doing his duty
Today's Funny Profanity

From the Profanisaurus:

gobshite: n. Scouse Someone who talks crap, like Liverpudlian hotel staff on fly-on-the-wall TV shows

Saturday, January 24, 2004

What's Going on Elsewhere?

Not a lot going on in my neck of the woods this Saturday. Rented a couple of movies, Johnny English (which has its funny moments, and also Natalie Imbruglia, but I've seen a lot better) and Open Range, which I'm watching now, and it didn't grab me at first, but I'm really liking it an hour or so in.

Just a few links to see what's going on in other people's necks of the woods.

Gooseneck's back from Michigan, where he got looked down upon for his social habits, and got to tell Regis Philben what it's all about.

Pete went to the Sundance Film Festival...and he's got pictures. Paget Brewster is a personal favorite.

Eric's got a piece on recon, prep and mission fulfilment in the civilian arena.

Mike Toole and his McDonald's experience. Personally, I wish McDonald's would go back to that ad campaign where the fellow with the crescent moon for a head would sing about McDonald's. I'm just completely thrown by that ad with the guys playing basketball on rollerskates....I just don't get it.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Friday Five

You know, I thought about doing the Friday Five, but we've already gone over recently my favorite song, scent, TV show and quote (by the way...God help you if you misquote something without even meaning to quote something around these parts....).

My favorite food is spiders. Wolf spiders, preferably. Because they aren't ridiculously feisty, aren't all that adept at running away from things, and have a good deal of meat on them, as spiders go, anyway. But in a pinch, any spider will do. I'm not picky.

Except about tarantulas. Won't eat them. For one thing, their size is prohibitive. To me, a tarantula is to most spiders what buses are to cars. Except imagine a bus that eats low flying airplanes, and some of them having the ability to shoot little poisonous hair-like extensions of their exoskeletons at predators or prey.

And for another, regular spiders are so tasty. A tarantula would probably be too much of a good thing, and just go to waste.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

The Most Violent Sneeze Ever

I was writing an e-mail to my friend Jill a little while ago, and I let loose with the most powerful and violent sneeze I've ever sneezed in all my life. It was really horrible. It hurt a little bit. Mostly my sinuses and my throat, because of the sudden and horrible expulsion of air and mucus that had to pass through those areas to get out. It scared me a little, because it just came on me all of a sudden, too.

I was sitting there, writing to Jill about a mutual friend living in New Orleans, when Bam! I had to think for a second, and check myself just to make sure I hadn't been shot (or perhaps hit with a ninja throwing star).

I didn't even have time to get my hands up to cover my mouth and nose. I'm not going to check the carpet, but I'm sure the detritus of that horrible explosion is still there, soaking in.

That was gross.

You ever get a sneeze caught in your head? Where you have to sit there and wait on the little sumbitch to come out? And you just kind of sit there, doing nothing, with a ridiculous look on your face, waiting to sneeze?

Aid: What are you doing Mr. President? They've launched the nukes. You have to return fire, before we're incinerated...

The President: I'm tryin' to sneeze, you assbag....

And sometimes, nothing happens. You wait. For seconds, or days. Teetering on the brink of madness. Anticipating the payoff. And it's all for shit. The sneeze decides to tickle the backside of your sinus cavity for a few minutes, and then retreats back into your soul (which is where sneezes live, and, as we've discussed, is in your gallbladder).

Do you count when you sneeze? I do. Because I don't sneeze just once (this violent, horrible, brainbursting sneeze I just had notwithstanding). Working under the premise that anything worth doing is worth doing 7 times, I sneeze a lot when I sneeze. At least 3 times. And I count. One. Two. Three. Five. Because I like to keep track of these things.

I have a notebook. That I carry with me. It's where I list my sneezes, and I rate them. (It's different from the notebook where I keep track of the People's Court case verdicts and also my violent injury log (Charlie Babbitt squeezed and pulled and hurt my neck in 1988)).

And other times, you sneeze like 14 times in a row. Maybe not 14. 14 would probably denote something's wrong with you. Perhaps you have an odd veneral disease. Sneezles.

(What's wrong with Jim...why isn't he at work? He's got sneezles! He got it from a hooker).

But this one sneeze I just had? Horrible. Absolutely tremendous. I consider myself lucky that I have a mouth and a nose to expel these things from, otherwise I might have blown off the top of my head with the force of such a thing. Or popped out my eyes.

Did you ever have the conversation with the weird kid in class who claimed he could keep his eyes open when he sneezed? He was lying, right? I always kind of thought that if you tried keeping your eyes open when you sneezed, they'd shoot from your head like pinballs....only to stop about a foot out, tethered in place by your optic nerve. And there they'd dangle, for the rest of your life. Unless you were able to fashion some makeshift stalks for them to rest upon....

What about that weird kid in class? Wasn't his name Kenny? And he got in trouble once for eating a pincher beetle on the playground. I'd guess he's in prison now. Or he's a preacher.

Yeah. That was a violent sneeze. I know, because after I sneezed it, the people downstairs pulled out their guns and shot 9 rounds into the ceiling. They missed me. Except for the one that hit my. Right in my elbow. Sorry Can't come to work tonight. Shot in the elbow.

How violent was the sneeze? It got an R rating just for violence....which is rare, because they only seem to save the rating for nudity nowadays. No nudity in my sneeze.

How violent was the sneeze? It apologized to me when it finished: I'm sorry, baby...I'll never do it again...ya just made me so damn mad.....

How violent was the sneeze? Phil Mushnick and the Parents' Television Council picketed against it. They're still here, and they won't let me watch professional wrestling, either.

But I'm mostly better now. (No I'm not, if this post is any indication....)
On Being From the South...

Say Uncle writes one of the best blog posts I've read in a long time, speaking for the southerner, to those who are snide, to those who laugh, and to those who see the south as a mere political bloc:

Southern Culture on the Campaign Trail

Excellent, really excellent stuff here.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Howard Dean's Rant

By now, you've all heard Howard Dean's rant he gave after Iowa, where his voices rises in intensity to a rumbling shout as he names off the states his campaign will take...and after he says they'll take Washington, DC...Dr. Dean lets out this weird scream.

(Neither of the two links to the speech/rant I found this morning worked, and I'm much too lazy to find another....)

I think the scream was meant to be kind of a primal thing, if anything at all was intended. It came off anything but primal. It sounds almost like he's screaming because he's sat in something sticky.

Some people call it a Rebel Yell a few times, now. The newspeople especially were running with it. No. Just no. A rebel yell comes more from the gut, and is intended to spook the Northern Lines, or at least somewhat mask or confuse the number of men you're charging with.

Chick McGee talked about how it sounds almost like Dean is cutting a wrestling promo....and Chick's closer to the mark, but again, the scream throws the whole thing.

It's not a primal scream, it's a scream of frustration. Almost like Dr. Dean's sat in something nasty.

To me, the scream sounds a bit like the Wilhelm Scream. A little.

Update: A couple of folks were nice enough to leave links to Dean's speech in the comment section. Thanks to both Haws and Khandi.
Yeltsin: I had 5 Heart Attacks

Boris Yeltsin reports that he had 5 heart attacks while serving as Russian President.

Yep. Kind of scary.

And on a completely unrelated note, my roster in the Amish Tech Support Deadpool is populated by many names....Jake Roberts....Courtney Love....Boris Yeltsin.....David Prowse....

Another quick correction to the bio....I was discussing enemies the other night at work. My boss overheard part of the conversation. He's not a jokey type of guy, so we all stopped when he wandered into our midst....and he said:

"There is one thing to remember, now that you work here...."

And he gives us all, me in particular, a narrow-eyed nasty look....

" that I am your greatest enemy." And then he gives a really nice theatrical villain's laugh. Then, he turns on his heel, and leaves the area.

Good to know. I stand corrected.

When you're at the grocery store, do you ever look at other people's carts to see what they're buying? Or when you're checking out, do you look to see what the other person's put up on the conveyor? Not nosing your way through their stuff, necessarily, or even making a point to do so...just casually.

I do. Sometimes when I'm wandering through the store, but especially when I'm in the checkout lane, and I've already read all the covers to all the tabloids.

I shop off-hours, here lately. Really late at night or really early in the morning. Very rarely will I hit a store at its peak shopping hours anymore.

I was at the Wal*Mart a few minutes ago, buying a few necessities (beef jerky, garlic and three gallons of distilled water), and I'm in the checkout line, and I observed:

The man who was leaving the lane just as I was putting my purchases on the counter was buying, among other things, a very large turkey. I have no observations about this, except to say I've secretly wanted to see what happens when somebody uses one of those big 20 or 25 lb. turkeys to clock somebody else. I mean, just come up behind somebody, grab the turkey by the handles, swing it in an arc and just lay the victim out with a Butterball.

The lady in front of me isn't buying anything out of the ordinary. She was buying quite a bit of Sun Drop. A couple of 12-packs and six 2 liter bottles. But that's not so unusual, for these parts. For the unwashed, Sun Drop is a citrus soda a bit tangier than Mello Yello, and a bit more sugary, too.

It finds the largest part of its intensely loyal following here in Middle Tennessee. As an example of the the loyalty SunDrop instills in its regular drinkers: At my old job, we replaced a co-worker's Sun Drop with Mountain Dew one afternoon on a dare, and he got fighting mad when he took a swig. Of course, I got blamed, which is appropriate because it was my idea.

In retrospect, he wasn't that balanced an individual, and we knew that fact going into the involuntarily taste test, so we probably should have his temper tantrum coming.


More interesting in the checkout line was the feller behind me. He was buying two items early this morning. He set his purchases on the conveyor belt right behind my necessities. The first thing he put down was a giant sized box of the Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. And right beside it, he placed an EPT Home Pregnancy Test.

I must have dallied a bit longer in my observation than was polite, because he then moved the pregnancy test behind the Oatmeal Cream Pies.

I met his gaze, gave him a polite nod, one which he didn't return, and started pretending to study the cover to the current issue of Glamour. I couldn't tell you whom or what is on the cover, because I was wondering this:

Which of that man's two purchases was the one thing that he'd originally decided to come to the Wal*Mart for? The Pregnancy Test or the Oatmeal Cream Pies? And which was the other thing he was buying just so that he wouldn't look like he'd come out into the cold and dark simply for Oatmeal Cream Pies?

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Today's Funny

This is an old one, but I consider it an appropriate end to this running theme I've had of posts concerning snakes and genitals:

One day two cowboys were riding together out in the desert. The first cowboy had to take a leak, so they stopped by a huge cactus. While the second cowboy was waiting, he heard a scream and a gunshot from behind the cactus, He ran to help his friend and found him lying on the ground, bleeding from the crotch. By his side was a dead rattlesnake.

The first cowboy knew he had to act fast, and said "You wait here, and don't do any movin' around. I'm going to town for the doctor!"

He rode as fast as he could into town and pulled up at the doctor's office. Running inside, he grabbed the doctor and said "My friend needs you right away. He's been bitten by a rattlesnake!"

The doctor said "Mrs. Cartwright just went into labor, and I have to head out to their ranch to deliver the baby. But here's what you do. Get back to your friend as fast as you can. Make him comfortable. Then you have to find the bite wound, and suck all the venom out of it. Keep sucking until you're sure it's all out. Then, bandage him up and bring him here."

"Ok, Doc" said the cowboy, and rode away on his horse as fast as it could carry him. Presently he got back to his friend, dismounted, and approached him.

"What did the doctor say?" asked the first cowboy.

"He said you're gonna die."
Additions, Corrections, and Omissions

Yesterday, I posted the update to my bio page. In my haste, I made some errors, and would like to take the time this morning to address some mistakes and omissions:

1.) First off, I realize now that the amount listed as my weight is a bit of a relative thing. I mean, what may be a whole bunch to you may not be a whole bunch to me.

So, to correct things, Cut "Whole Fucking Bunch" and replace it with the more accurate measurement: 9.7 million tons

2.) Under the question Do You Smoke, I answered: No. That's not entirely accurate. Occasionally, when I've hit the enchiladas from La Siesta (the Nap) a little too hard....within two hours I will produce smoke. Also screams, and cramps.

3.) Under Favorite Indoor Activities: Please add the following:

a.) Watching Will and Grace
b.) Writing reviews of Will and Grace episodes
c.) Maintaining the Will and Grace thought Weblog
d.) Updating my Will and Grace scrapbook
e.) Peeking out from behind my venetian blinds
f.) Reading TV Guide, highliter pen in hand, just so I'll know which episodes of Will and Grace are on this week.

4.) Under the question favorite season, the answer Baseball Season is also acceptable.

5.) Under Favorite Sport to Play: I like playing baseball, but am just no damn good. And Yes, I know you get to plow into people playing hockey, but I can't roller/ice skate. Because I'm a wussy.

6.) Under favorite authors: Delete William Faulkner, Ferrol Sams and Mark Twain....replace with Danielle Steele, Lavyrle Spencer and Janet Dailey.

7.) Under Favorite Food: Delete Barbecued Chicken, and replace with Spiders

8.) Under the heading Worst Enemies, I said that I am probably my own worst enemy. This is untrue. The Following I consider my worst enemies:

a.) Anybody named Jeremy
b.) I'm not high on Jeffs, either, which is unfortunate, since my sister is marrying one.
c.) The Spanish Language
d.) Liberals
e.) Conservatives.
f.) Weird Libertarians like Say Uncle.....
g.) Delaware
h.) Papa John's
i.) Apple Juice
j.) The St. Louis Cardinals
k.) Jealousy
l.) Pie
m.) Stupid No-Drinking Laws at Campgrounds
n.) Whoever controls the weather
o.) Willard Scott
p.) the state of Alabama
q.) Dean R. Koontz
r.) Chelsea "Charms me to Be Here" Clinton
s.) The Beatles (except Ringo)
t.) Ringo
u.) Liverpool
v.) Chili
w.) Joebo, the one from Knoxville
x.) Mr. Lah-di-Friggin'-Dah
y.) The Quiz Bowl Community
z.) Comcast
aa.) McDonald's
bb.) the work week, which grows
cc.) Risk, the game
dd.) Risk. The Risk.

9.) Lastly, under favorite quotes: Neither of those is really my favorite quote.


Monday, January 19, 2004

Gunny Walker's Blog

Hey....Gunny Friggin' Walker, y'all.

Also, I've been reading Mike Toole. I gets me a laugh or seven.
The Philosophical Scrivener Thought of the Day

"....if the election came down to Lieberman v. Bush, I'd emigrate to Canada. Can't see any other rational alternative.
-----Len Cleavelin

Who the Hell am I?

An updated bio....

Sloth and Eric both updated theirs, so I did mine.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Presidential Random Thoughts

I'm watching Richard "I'm Whiter than the Andy Griffith Show" Gephardt on Meet the Press, and it just hit me: We aren't even past the Iowa Caucuses yet, and I'm already sick to death of this whole Presidential race. Let's just have one big primary day the first day of February, and then vote for the Presidency on the first of March. I'm not at all in the mood to have ten months of this mess.

I guess the trouble is that I try not to affiliate myself with any particular party, choosing rather the man. And none of the men (or women) incumbent or running to replace him inspire me with any particular confidence. And the way the Democrats have gone about the early stages of the nomination process has all the charm of a hair-pulling smackfight between Chris Lowell and Joan Rivers....I mean, even when a winner is declared, does anybody care? Because the winner is still Christopher Lowell or Joan Rivers.

I think the Democrats' progress is also hindered by the fact that many (myself included) aren't entirely sure Dennis Kucinich actually exists. I think he's a computer generated figment of computer geek's imagination.

Tim Russert and Tom Brokaw were just talking about the guidelines the Dean candidacy has written up for his volunteers....the last rule for his staffers, especially those out amongst the people, was to "smile and have fun." It's just a gut feeling anytime I look at Dean...but he's not a smiley guy, and anytime he smiles he looks like the guy his P.R. handlers have told (mistakenly and incorrectly) to "smile, or the people won't trust you."

I mean Dean doesn't even have a John Edwards' son-of-a-millworker/car salesman smile, that if you let your guard down, you might trust.

I think that I, personally, would respect Howard Dean more if he turned his storied temper loose during a debate. Perhaps even on Tim Russert or whichever representative of the League of Women Voters is moderating the event.

Or even if he declared: "I ain't smilin' cause the country ain't doin' good."

Or something with proper grammar. Dean also looks like the guy who would correct your grammar if you spoke incorrectly.

Just what's on my mind right now.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

My turn with the top 100

So the thing to do is post the top 100 movies as voted by IMDB users, and put in bold the ones you've seen, eh?

(I did this with the bottom 100 a few months back. Luckily, I've seen more of the top 100 than I have the bottom 100....though I've seen entirely too many of the bottom 100).

Also: Pete's List; Bill's List; Danielle's List

Also, my list is different from both Bill's and Pete's....we got our list from different IMDB updates. That's why I say I've seen 87 on Pete's list, but only 85 are in bold here.

My List (ones I've seen in bold)

1 Godfather, The (1972) 9.0/10 (86308 votes)
2 Shawshank Redemption, The (1994) 8.9/10 (107879 votes)
3 Godfather: Part II, The (1974) 8.8/10 (50379 votes)
4 Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The (2003) 8.8/10 (42234 votes)
5 Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002) 8.8/10 (71137 votes)
6 Casablanca (1942) 8.7/10 (50099 votes)
7 Schindler's List (1993) 8.7/10 (73728 votes)
8 Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001) 8.7/10 (115317 votes)
9 Shichinin no samurai (1954) 8.7/10 (21098 votes)
10 Star Wars (1977) 8.7/10 (105592 votes)
11 Citizen Kane (1941) 8.7/10 (46785 votes)
12 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975) 8.6/10 (52429 votes)
13 Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) 8.6/10 (47471 votes)
14 Rear Window (1954) 8.6/10 (30564 votes)
15 Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) 8.6/10 (81296 votes)
16 Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) 8.6/10 (72111 votes)
17 Memento (2000) 8.6/10 (63916 votes)
18 Usual Suspects, The (1995) 8.6/10 (79252 votes)
19 Pulp Fiction (1994) 8.6/10 (95690 votes)
20 North by Northwest (1959) 8.5/10 (27230 votes)
21 12 Angry Men (1957) 8.5/10 (20860 votes)
22 Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain, Le (2001) 8.5/10 (39977 votes)
23 Psycho (1960) 8.5/10 (41531 votes)
24 Lawrence of Arabia (1962) 8.5/10 (23514 votes)
25 Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966) 8.5/10 (18690 votes)
26 Silence of the Lambs, The (1991) 8.5/10 (70981 votes)
27 It's a Wonderful Life (1946) 8.5/10 (32011 votes)
28 Goodfellas (1990) 8.5/10 (49590 votes)
29 American Beauty (1999) 8.4/10 (83933 votes)
30 Vertigo (1958) 8.4/10 (25848 votes)

31 Sunset Blvd. (1950) 8.4/10 (11477 votes)
32 Matrix, The (1999) 8.4/10 (109238 votes)
33 Pianist, The (2002) 8.4/10 (16275 votes)
34 Apocalypse Now (1979) 8.4/10 (47991 votes)
35 To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) 8.4/10 (22497 votes)

36 Some Like It Hot (1959) 8.3/10 (18753 votes)
37 Taxi Driver (1976) 8.3/10 (34640 votes)
38 C'era una volta il West (1968) 8.3/10 (9873 votes)

39 Third Man, The (1949) 8.3/10 (13790 votes)
40 Paths of Glory (1957) 8.3/10 (10343 votes)
41 Fight Club (1999) 8.3/10 (78371 votes)
42 Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (Spirited Away) (2001) 8.3/10 (12526 votes)
43 Boot, Das (1981) 8.3/10 (21690 votes)
44 L.A. Confidential (1997) 8.3/10 (54514 votes)
45 Double Indemnity (1944) 8.3/10 (8676 votes)
46 Chinatown (1974) 8.3/10 (19029 votes)
47 Singin' in the Rain (1952) 8.3/10 (15418 votes)
48 Maltese Falcon, The (1941) 8.3/10 (15095 votes)
49 Requiem for a Dream (2000) 8.3/10 (30217 votes)

50 M (1931) 8.3/10 (8621 votes)
51 Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957) 8.3/10 (17043 votes)
52 All About Eve (1950) 8.3/10 (9849 votes)
53 Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) 8.3/10 (45320 votes)
54 Se7en (1995) 8.3/10 (64522 votes)
55 Saving Private Ryan (1998) 8.2/10 (76833 votes)
56 Raging Bull (1980) 8.2/10 (19197 votes)
57 Cidade de Deus (2002) 8.2/10 (7880 votes)
58 Wizard of Oz, The (1939) 8.2/10 (29423 votes)
59 Rashômon (1950) 8.2/10 (7960 votes)
60 Sting, The (1973) 8.2/10 (17971 votes)
61 Alien (1979) 8.2/10 (47412 votes)
62 American History X (1998) 8.2/10 (40972 votes)
63 Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939) 8.2/10 (8714 votes)
64 Léon (1994) 8.2/10 (36481 votes)

65 Vita è bella, La (1997) 8.2/10 (29056 votes)
66 Touch of Evil (1958) 8.2/10 (8933 votes)
67 Manchurian Candidate, The (1962) 8.2/10 (9885 votes)
68 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) 8.2/10 (50979 votes)
69 Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948) 8.2/10 (7738 votes)
70 Wo hu cang long (2000) 8.2/10 (40764 votes)
71 Great Escape, The (1963) 8.2/10 (14504 votes)
72 Reservoir Dogs (1992) 8.2/10 (48884 votes)
73 Clockwork Orange, A (1971) 8.2/10 (48757 votes)
74 Amadeus (1984) 8.2/10 (28322 votes)

75 Modern Times (1936) 8.2/10 (7240 votes)
76 Annie Hall (1977) 8.2/10 (15739 votes)
77 Jaws (1975) 8.2/10 (35526 votes)
78 Ran (1985) 8.2/10 (8455 votes)
79 On the Waterfront (1954) 8.2/10 (9017 votes)
80 Braveheart (1995) 8.1/10 (70668 votes)
81 High Noon (1952) 8.1/10 (9129 votes)

82 Apartment, The (1960) 8.1/10 (8154 votes)
83 Fargo (1996) 8.1/10 (50973 votes)
84 Sixth Sense, The (1999) 8.1/10 (73279 votes)
85 Aliens (1986) 8.1/10 (49368 votes)
86 Shining, The (1980) 8.1/10 (36898 votes)

87 Strangers on a Train (1951) 8.1/10 (7586 votes)
88 Blade Runner (1982) 8.1/10 (59419 votes)
89 Metropolis (1927) 8.1/10 (8517 votes)
90 Duck Soup (1933) 8.1/10 (7396 votes)
91 Finding Nemo (2003) 8.1/10 (19317 votes)
92 Donnie Darko (2001) 8.1/10 (25076 votes)
93 General, The (1927) 8.1/10 (4911 votes)
94 Toy Story 2 (1999) 8.1/10 (30281 votes)
95 Princess Bride, The (1987) 8.1/10 (42234 votes)

96 City Lights (1931) 8.1/10 (5534 votes)
97 Great Dictator, The (1940) 8.0/10 (7030 votes)
98 Lola rennt (1998) 8.0/10 (24028 votes)
99 Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003) 8.0/10 (24639 votes)
100 Notorious (1946) 8.0/10 (7667 votes)

Friday, January 16, 2004

Grady Little is a Cub

God help us all.

Just keep him away from the starting pitchers if the Cubs make it to the post season. Actually...the argument could be made that the traumatic eighth inning in the NLCS began going bad when Mr. Prior was still in the game at all....left in by a certain other toothpick chewing manager.
Drunk with Power

I stopped at the gas station to buy a newspaper and a coffee this morning. While in line waiting to pay, I sneezed. And I scared the bejeezus out of the woman in front of me in line. It made me smile.

If she's that jumpy, she probably doesn't need to be drinking the extra big coffee she was buying. Seriously. It was like a bucket of coffee. Almost as big as my coffee pot at home.

Also, I nearly ran over a guy riding on the wrong side of the street on his bike. Ride with traffic, chief....not against. Even if you're riding a toy out in public, you still gotta obey traffic laws. In the eternal struggle of bicycle vs. Chevy Truck, I'll stay behind the wheel of my truck, thankee very much.

All of which reminds me of my friend from high school, Adam, who was very quiet and spoke in low tones, but could let out a high pitched girl-scream at will. A group of us were crossing the street at an off campus function, and we did the asshole teenager thing in the crosswalk, going slowly just to piss off the drivers. One guy got pissed, and kind of gunned his engine and inched toward us. As he did, Adam lets out a high pitched, blood curdling scream.

Which surprised the driver enough that he let off the break and came even closer to hitting Adam with his car. And Adam did the A-Team drop and roll to get out of the way. And we all remembered it, and learned a lesson. Well....they all learned a lesson, but I kind of forgot. I saw a line of ants on the sidewalk, and got distracted.
The Tick vs. the DMV

DMV Officer Thelma: Can we hurry this up? I don't have all day!

The Tick: Well I do, Thelma! You can have half! (whispering) We can share......

Stupid Fox TV. What a wonderful television show.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Another Nightmare

I saw this link at Straight White Guy:

Man Kills Python with Fingernail Clippers.

Morgan Mulenga (from Mkushi, don't you know) was relieving himself behind a bush, when he was attacked by a python. He managed to stab it to death with his fingernail clippers.....

You know, I've recently posted my nightmare thoughts on the girl whose allergic reaction to antibiotics caused her skin to slough off, and also a kid who peed bugs a while back....and also even that kid in Wisconsin who got trapped in one of those toy claw game machines....

All are suitable nightmare material....

I don't know where taking a crap behind a tree only to get attacked by a giant, man-eating snake falls on the spectrum of those nightmare seeds.....but I think it's the one that strikes at your most intimate and private of times....going to the potty.

There was an episode of Highway to Heaven, where there's a woman who kept swearing there was a snake living in her toilet, and nobody believed her.....and then Michael Landon's sidekick with the A's cap saw it, too....big friggin snake pops up out of the hole in the bottom of the toilet.

Morgan Mulenga's trial slightly surpasses that particular neurosis of mine on the richter scale of what Tommy thinks about when he can't sleep. I mean, it's one thing to have a snake pop out of the toilet and grab your's another completely to have one squeeze the crap out of you with your pants around your ankles.

Also, I'm going to have to start carrying my fingernail clippers with me all the time. I sometimes do, but I'm going to have to make sure, now. I mean, all I have with me right now is my billfold and my chapstick. And I don't think that would scare away a python. A bear, maybe. Or perhaps a manticore. But not a python. Not with chapstick.
Today's Funny

From the e-mail....I heard a different variation, but I like this one better:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinarian's office. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is definitely dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful calico cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped off the table and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

The version I heard was with a country doctor and a broken leg....but I like this one better because it involves a dead duck named Cuddles.
Cats and Pianos

Peggy at A Moveable Beast has a little something to say about the musical abilities of cats, especially when it comes the tickling the ivories.....

It reminded me of a particular event in my life:

There was one night, I was at my folks house, reading, of all things, ghost stories on the internet. I'd gotten pretty wrapped up in one of the stories, skin crawling and hair raising and everything, when the big giant black cat (whose name was Ursula, but who answers only to Ms. Kitty) jumps from the staircase onto about 7 different keys on the bass clef of the piano. If ever I've had the bejeezus scared out of was then.

And the worst part was the look on Ms. Kitty's face--the one that said she knew what she'd done: that she'd scared the shit out of one of the people (the big, stupid one), and was pleased by it.....

That particular cat still likes to sleep in dark corners and nooks, waiting to surprise which ever person happens accidentally mosey in her direction.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Here's What I Did Today

--Got up around 10:30 PM on the 13th.

--Went to movie store. Went to gas station. Went to grocery store when gas station didn't have the tasty salty snacks that I wanted.

--Played on internet. For Days.

--Watched The Twelve Chairs. Mel Brooks writes and directs. Definitely different from Blazing Saddles and Young's closer in tone to The Producers. It's okay, but not great. Dom Deluise screaming about how beautiful a chair is before he smashes it on a rock....that's funny. The rest of the movie should have learned from him.

--Watched Heroic Trio. Kind of a kung fu superhero flick. Didn't care for it. I mean, sure, Michelle Yeoh and Maggie Cheung are hot and all, but it's a bad English dub, and the wirework is really shoddy. I turned it off after an hour of not really paying attention to it.

--Rectified three different things on the complaint list from yesterday.

--Took a nap. Dreamt about pine trees. I dunno.

--Did the laundry. Found fifty cents on top of the dryer, so it was kind of like winning the lottery. I need to consult the Baptists as to whether I'm going to Hell or not.

--Watched Lost in Translation. It's not a bad movie. A bit of a chick flick, but Bill Murray's pretty good, and I thought Scarlett Johansson was even better. Bill's got a conversation in the movie with an old man in the waiting room of the hospital, one that looks largely improvised, and had me rolling on the floor laughing. I think the whole cast of The Twelve Chairs could learn something from Bill.

--During the movie, I was adjusting things, and I noticed a very large hole had opened up in the crotch of my blue jeans. Travesty of travesties. Good thing I was wearing the undies. It's a little late (or extremely early) to put the decorative balls on display in public.

--One of the fellers running for Assessor of Property in Rutherford County's name is Bill D. Boner. To me, what Bill D. Boner should have on his campaign signs as his animated mascot is completely obvious: A giant Grizzly Bear ripping the entrails out of some animal he's chased down. With a slogan along the lines of: "Property Taxes--You're Next!" Written in a style that looks like smeared blood. Or something equally catchy.

But that's just me.
The Cubs Make Maddux an Offer

The Cubs have offered a two-year deal to Greg Maddux. I'm of a couple of minds on the thing.

Assuming the rotation of Prior/Wood/Clement/Zambrano's pretty much set in place, Greg Maddux is better than Juan Cruz or whomever they'd want to put in that fifth start's spot. What's more, even at 37/38, he's a whole head, shoulders and abdomen better than Shawn "Losing Pitcher" Estes.

(As an added bonus, Cruz could probably then be packaged up in a deal to bring in, I dunno, a shortstop that hits better than .228, doesn't strike out 123 times and whose glove doesn't contribute to the single most traumatic inning of baseball in this millennium--or maybe a catcher who can call a good game and hit a little)

I saw how much the Cubs offered (6-7 million per, as opposed to the 10 he and the Agent from Hell were asking). Part of me says that's a bit of a lowball offer, but then I get to thinking about the fact that Maddux wanted a Clemens-like where he can spend time with his family (play golf) as much as possible...and one that would spare him the indignity of charting pitches.

Now, ordinarily, I'd say that part of Maddux's value as a pitcher is that of a teacher and a mentor. Even if he's not a power pitcher like Prior or Wood, or an adrenaline junkie like Zambrano (whose spellcheck alternative on blogger is "chambermaid"), Maddux knows how to read batters and knows as well as anyone how to control the flow of the game--a couple of things that are immensely valuable.

(As an aside, if he Maddux could teach Kerry "Future Cyborg Assassin" Wood that it's not as important to humiliate the batter as it is just to get them out....a groundout's as good as a K....that would be worth his asking price right there).

I felt like any deal which would let Maddux spend a bunch of time away from the team would negate whatever value he had as a mentor, and I didn't see the point in ponying up to whatever amount of money he was asking, if he'd not be helping some of these younger pitchers.

But maybe Hendry's offer is something of a start of a can spend time with your golf clubs (play family)....but we can't pay you the kind of money you're asking if you're not going to be on the bench talking Zambrano down from his sugar high.....

Bill McCabe wasn't happy that his Mets had also shown an interest in Maddux, citing the Brian Hoch article that said if the Mets thought they were a player away from contending, that player shouldn't be thought to be Maddux.....

I think the Cubs and Mets would utilize Maddux differently, were he to sign with either team (Bill or another Mets fan, please correct me if I'm wrong). I think the Mets would expect Maddux to play a vital, keystone role in their rotation. I think the Cubs would like to use him largely at the back end of the rotation....which is not a commentary on his age or declined skills as much as it is the talent and youth they have at the top.....

I don't think he's at the point where he can be a keystone in a rotation, as I think the Mets would need him.

I think he's extremely valuable to a young pitching staff. It just depends on if he'd be willing to play that mentor role or not.

Finally, and this just comes from the gut....I'd like to see Maddux in a Cubs uni. He was up there with Grace, Hawk and Sandberg as favorite Cubs when he went down south. I just liked the way he played ball, and how he managed to be the guy teams didn't want to face, even though he looks as intimidating as a librarian. I've never really begrudged him for wanting to get market money...I've always begrudged his agent and Larry Himes for the shitass way they went about negotiating it....which ultimately led to Maddux bolting for Atlanta.

If they get Maddux, I won't bitch and moan too much.
I needed to be defined

I like that part about "saved/will destroy" the Earth. That'd be just me luck. I'd be just like the Highlander, and save the world from the Sun's Ultraviolet Rays, but doom the whole planet in the process to living under a disco sky for all eternity. But I would fix things and save the world. With Virginia Madsen. But in doing so, I would doom the world to Highlander 3.

Saw the quiz at Voluntarily in China, which is quite the good read, if you haven't checked it out....

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

A Couple of Good Things, and an Angry Day List

Family Guy's coming back. We just don't exactly where and in what order yet. I'm pleased. I didn't like it at first. But it's grown on me a little. On the whole, I still think it's hit or miss, but that can be attributed to which writers comandeered which episodes.

But when the show was on? It was damn good.

So, that makes me happy.

Also: I got the first season of West Wing on DVD at the used DVD store the other day. I've see almost all the episodes already on Bravo, but not in order, so getting to see them in sequence is a treat.

I'd never, though, seen the episode "In Excelsis Deo," which was a Christmas-time episode that first season. If I can say so....that episode is still among the show's finest. And the last quarter hour, with Toby procuring an Honor Guard for the homeless veteran who died in the winter night, along with that man's burial, is absolutely beautiful television.

Also? I'm reading Jean Shepherd's In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash part of which was the basis for the movie A Christmas Story. A lot of Shepherd's tone translates well to the movie, but there's one particular passage that caught my eye, and I thought I'd share it, from the story The Endless Streetcar Ride into The Night, and the Tin-Foil Noose, in which Ralphie goes to pick up a blind date, and is invited into his date's family's living room by his date's father, to wait:

He led me into the living room. It was an itchy house, sticky stucco walls of a dull orange color, and all over the floor this Oriental rug with the design crawling around, making loops and sworls. I sat on an overstuffed chair covered in stiff green mohair that scratched even through my slacks. Little twisty bridge lamps stood everywhere. I instantly began to sweat down the back of my clean white shirt. Like I said, it was a very itchy house. It had little lamps sticking out of the walls that looked like phony candles, with phony glass orange flames. The rug started moaning to itself....

I bring it up only because I've been in that house. Not that house, but a house that's already alien because you've never been there, but made even moreso by your own nerves and uncertainty. It just caught my eye.

Also? Tonight's my night off. So it's all good. Not quite Barry and LaVon good.....but definitely getting there.

Now, here's the ugly part.

Today's been those days where the little things are starting to get at me. I actually think of these as "Goodwill" days, in honor of my former employer...working there was an especially trying experience some days, and it often left me with something of a short fuse.

Things are better now.

But today, a lot of little things are mounting for me.

My plan is to list them here, and then leave them here. Because there's nothing serious. Nothing especially trying. Nothing, certainly, worth an entire blog post in and of itself. This is just a list of a couple of things that I've devoted more than a second's worth of irritation to in the past day, day and a half or so. I hope to be done with them by exorcisng them.

With apologies to Angry Jack, here are a few things that are making Big Stupid Tommy Angry:

--Hangnail on my ring finger

--Chapped Lips

--Laundry, and how it won't do itself

--The Other Drivers

--You Assholes who Don't Flush Public Toilets after you use them

--Sick Co-Workers

--Not Drinking Enough Water

--Dirty Apartment

--The fact that I can't remember to put the jelly back in the fridge

--Blue Raider Bookstore commercials starring Nick Daniels

--Sore Left Knee

--People Who think I'm being sanctimonious when I say Pete Rose is a shitstain and shouldn't be allowed near a Major League Clubhouse. He broke The major rule in baseball, the one that's posted everywhere, and then lied about it for 15 years. Yes. That is enough for me. And because I'm holding Pete to a higher standard doesn't mean I'm not holding the rest of baseball to that standard. Yes, the game needs a bit more fine and upstanding people playing and running it than are in place now. They're all shitstains, too, and I think baseball would be better off without a lot of them. We can start by keeping Pete out.

--The fact that I wrote a story that I thought was a comedic Invasion of the Body Snatchers-style story, until I realized it was very similar to an episode of Perfect Strangers.

--The fact that Larry and Balki married those two chicks (Jennifer and Maryanne, I believe were there names) for the last season of Perfect Strangers, and then lived together in the same house. I mean, it's a tenously stupid concept to begin with, and one that can't be tinkered with too much.

--Coming up with a story idea, writing down your idea in a quick five-word note to yourself, then finding the note, and having no idea what "Astrological Signs Forewarning Falling Spiders" means, necessarily.

--Bit my tongue a minute ago.

--Crappy Radio

--I'm not independently wealthy

--Michael Moore. Sometimes I think he's funny, for who he's trying to skewer. But today I think he's a windbag, especially for how he used those kids that got shot at Columbine in his Bowling cockumentary.

--How kids aren't being kids, anymore. They're being soccer/karate/cheerleading/schoolies. Just annoyed that a co-worker's 8-year-old has more on his plate right now than I do, and I'm managing to get more outside play time and video game time than the kid is, and I'm 26.

--I'm still not able to read books at work. I'll be glad when it warms up enough to eat outside, so that I might be able to go there, and not be bothered.

--The couch, or perhaps the roommate, has eaten all the working pens in the apartment.

I think that's it. I'll write more if I think of them. But these things, I now let go.

(Yeah. I do feel better. Kind of like after taking a dump.)

Monday, January 12, 2004

While I Was Sleeping

Well, the Rocket's coming back to play with the Astros. See, early on in his career, I kind of started liking Roger. I don't know. I can't explain it any more than I liked the way he controlled the pace of the game, even as a kid I appreciated that (I think my Mom's father explained that to me while visiting my grandparents in New Jersey). But I especially appreciated Roger after Dan Duquette gave up on him, and he kicked ass with the Blue Jays.

Then, I started hating him, because he went and played for the Evil Empire. And then I hated him more, for the whole Piazza incident....I think he way he should have handled that was the next regular season meeting was that when Mike gets up to bat, put another one up around his chin (not hitting)...the two would have fought and I think the whole situation would have been over and done with.

But then, I started liking Roger, as he seemed to play this whole retirement season pretty classfully. And I was even willing to give him his props during the Series, as were the Florida fans by giving him his Standing Ovation.

Well....Roger shit on me, the fans, and the really nice baseball moment (which seem to be getting fewer and more far between lately) by announcing he's coming back to the Astros.'re the in National League now. This is where real men play real baseball, not this pansy-ass mess where a big fat guy with irons hands who can hit it a mile hits in your place. Let's see how intimidating you are when you gotta step to the plate every couple innings and face the music, son.

Don't much say I care much for Houston, either. Bunch of circus animals down there, what with their Andy Pettitte and their Wade Miller and Roy Oswalt and Roger Clemens rotation.

Ultimately, I can't blame Roger. He always said that he wanted to spend more time with his family...and now the Astros are giving him a chance to have his cake (baseball cake) and eat it, too (eat his family), since they've informally agreed to structure his turn in the rotation so that he won't have to travel much.

Plus, he's signed like a 10-year services contract for after this coming season, which will be good for the Astros, to have a Hall of Famer in their front office doing whatever (emptying trash, going to Seven-Eleven openings) in the name of the team. And you can't argue with the hometown thing.'s hoping for the Cubs sake that he puts the hammer down on everybody else, especially the Cardinals (sorry Len), but kind of shows his age whenever the Astros and the Cubs hook up.
Twenty-Seven! Twenty-Seven!

Pholph's Scrabble Generator

My Scrabble© Score is: 27.
What is your score? Get it here.

Got it from Glenn

Sunday, January 11, 2004

The Titans

I kind of thought it was a tossup as to who would win the Titans/Patriots game beforehand. And in the end, the team that better handled the weather, made fewer mistakes and, ultimately, played better, won the game.

Which sounds obvious, but it's nice to be able to say this: At least when my football team loses, there are no distractions like Steve Bartman or Billy Goat Curses.

The bad part for the Titans is that you can't easily say "Next Year." Tennessee has serious salary cap problems going into next year. Justin McCareins and Jevon Kearse are a couple of the big names that probably won't be back Also, we've got a quarterback and a running back who are both getting old in NFL years, and both of whom were beaten nearly to hell this season....again.

It's probably Frank Wychek's last game. Good thing, too, because I think Frank's taken one too many shots to the head of late. He's always been kind of a slow speaker, but ever since his early-season concussions, he's been especially slow about it whenever he talks. And he blinks slowly, he's half asleep or stoned. There's a nasty part of me that wonders if Frank smells vanilla for no reason.....

Shit. I'd just like one of my favorite teams to win it all.

I've got a lot of confidence, however, in the Titans' front office, and in Jeff "Cold Moustache Frozen Snot" Fisher. I daresay you won't find a coach in the salary cap era whose teams are as consistently in the hunt from season to season as Mr. Fisher's.

He'd better be good. The AFC South can only get better.....

Thanks for a good year, guys. We'll get them next year.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Robert Fick goes to Tampa

I was just sitting there the other day. Doing nothing. Staring into space. Pondering. As I often do. And it pops into my head: Whattup with Robert Fick?

And I got screaming, throwing stuff mad when I remembered his little tomahawk chop he gave The Karros in the Braves/Cubs playoff series. And I wasn't sure of Fick's contract status. I couldn't remember if the Braves had signed him to a multi-year deal when he came down from the Tigers.

And I was hoping for a multi-year deal.

Because I desperately wanted Robert to be playing with Atlanta in 2004, just so he could come to the plate in the first Cubs series with Kerry "I Hit the Batters Sometimes" Wood on the mound.

It also made me smile the idea of getting revenge for a guy (Karros) who isn't even on your team anymore.....

But ain't to be. Yet. The Ficker signed with the Devil Rays.

It's alright. I think revenge will come long after Fick's career is over. Late one cold night, in 2049, at Fick's homestead (shack) in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Fick's gone out to get wood for the fire.....And bionic assassin Kerry "I Assassinate People in the Future" Wood fires a 128 m.p.h. fastball at Fick's head.....and The Fickster dies lonely, cold, with a fastball embedded in the back of his head.....

As the scene fades to black, Wood taps the Starfleet Communicator on his chest, and says, "Wood to Enterprise....tell Emperor Dusty that we got the bastard....for The Karros....."
Books and Football

Just a couple of things on this Saturday afternoon:

I saw this a couple of days ago, either at Medb's or Stoney's site, but forgot to post it:

Books for Soldiers. Now, I have roughly 2.4 million paperback books lying around my house that aren't doing anything but blocking up the gateway to Hell that's in the back bedroom. So I've got a few extra.....I think I'll send a few off.

Because it's looking like they're going to be there a while.

On a lighter note:

The Titans play the Patriots tonight in Foxboro, and apparently it's going to be just a couple of degrees warmer than Absolute Zero. I likes me some football.....but that's why I like baseball better....yeah it's cold at the playoffs, especially if you're playing up around Chicago or Boston.....but you don't have to worry about windchills of 20 degrees below zero.

Mlegh. I'm just not passionate enough about a sporting event to go sit in hypothermia inducing cold with 75,000 of my closest friends.

Friday, January 09, 2004

A Year?!?!????!?!?!?!?!???!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!!!!

Barry's a year old. (Actually, his blog is....otherwise, Barry would probably be on the news what with his ability to string complex thoughts together at the age of one.....)

It seems like I'd read this a long time ago, but had forgotten it completely. Sheila has the story of what happened in the 1930's, when German publishers contacted the publishers of The Hobbit, but were looking to make sure Tolkien came from what they believed to be proper stock.....
My Brand New #1 Nightmare

Oh heavens. This is going to keep me awake for a long time. It's not enough to have to worry about terrorism, the flu, old people driving whenever I'm at a produce stand or Joe Morgan......

A young Ocean Beach woman survived a severe allergic reaction that had University of California, San Diego Regional Burn Center staff scrambling to save her life, 10News reported.

Okay. Starts innocently enough.

By all accounts, Sarah Yeargain....shouldn't be alive. But she is and some are calling it a medical miracle.

Alright.....that's not good....

Three weeks ago, the skin on Yeargain's body began sloughing off.

Here's the whole article.

Hi. I can't come into work today. I had an allergic reaction to my sinus antibiotics, and my skin fell off. just bit....All of my skin. Head to toe. No skin.

Even the membrane covering her internal organs -- her eyes, mouth, and throat -- began peeling away.

God, that's worse than when the bad guy in Robocop who later got crushed by a helicopter on E.R. started melting.....

Yep. This is worse than that kid who peed bugs a few months back. Now I'm gonna worry that I'm going to have an allergic reaction which will cause my skin to fall off.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Random Stuff

The hippy girls from downstairs are moving.

At least, that's what I assume by the signs posted all over the apartment complex reading "moving sale" and their apartment number. Truth be told, they've been very nice, the couple of times I've talked to them.

The one girl has a teacher's voice....which is appropriate, because she is an education major. And I say teacher's voice, because when she talks, her voice hits that perfect tone which cuts through all the bullshit in your head and drills itself right into the back of your head. So that you learn. And never forget. The kind, which on a windless day, can still be heard pretty plainly for two miles, if she applies herself. And the type which pulls a feller out of a deep sleep. Whether that deep sleep is at his school desk, or up in his apartment, it doesn't really matter.

I think I'll go buy their couch, which they're advertising as "Make an Offer." And I'll wedge it into the hall closet. To have as a spare, in case the current couch goes bad.

The current couch, by the way? Eats things. And I don't mean stuff like money, or keys, although it certain does swallow those things. Remote controls aren't surprising, either--I've got a theory that the Playstation 2's DVD remote is hidden somewhere in its bowels.

But the couch also eats things like the throw pillows. There are about five throw pillows in the apartment, and in an apartment of guys, that means they get thrown at each other occasionally. But the couch eats'll pull one mashed and folded out of the arm occasionally.

But I've also pulled shirts out of there, one of my DVDs, a book that I was reading and also my Cubs cap....and that last one made me want to fight the couch. For eating my Cubs cap.

I'm afraid that I'm going to fall asleep on the couch one day, and wake up in its belly.
Today's Funny

This is one of my favorites, but I haven't heard it in a while:

A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yer pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied, "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."

"Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?"

"No sir, he went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that,"he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I don't know how much he gets for Joe."

Volunteer Tailgate Party: the Best of 2003

Manish at Damn Foreigner is hosting the year-end wrap up for the Rocky Top Brigade.

Read here, the Best of the RTB's 2003.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

The Big Stupid Tommy Quiz

Hey look: Big Stupid Tommy: The Quiz
The Best Thing on the Internet, this Morning

The Filthy Hippy's Script Fragment. Not to tell tales out of school, but the Filthy Hippy has a larger collection of Rutger Hauer movies than do most Blockbuster video stores.....

Just thinking about it, and here now, is my list of the top 10 most important books in my life:

10. The Wizard of Oz, by L. Frank Baum.

I can still remember getting through the first ten pages of the book when I was in the first grade, and saying to myself: This is already 10 times better than the movie.

One day, I'll go back and read the rest of the pages.

9. Striptease, by Carl Hiaasen

I've never actually read the book, but I have watched the movie version (starring Demi Moore, Burt Reynolds, and in an attempt to get my hit count up, Pandora Peaks) on TBS something like 23 times. It's funny. (No it's not).

(Actually, I have read the book, and it's better than the movie....though it's not as good as "Lucky You," or "Stormy Weather").

8. The Far Side Week Planner (any year)

Functional, and Funny. My favorite Far Side cartoon involves the giant eyeball in the car's rearview mirror, with the line: Objects in Mirror May Be Closer than they Appear

7. Futurama

This is not a book so much as a television show. But by Gorsh it's funny!

6. You're Missing a Great Game Here by Whitey Herzog

Whitey Herzog is one of my favorite baseball names, because it's so old school. I don't know that we'll get another player, coach or umpire named "Whitey." And the great old European surnames, like Herzog, aren't as prevalent. We've got Pierzynski, sure, and Mienkievicz....but I won't let those two names that pop immediately to mind derail my argument.

5. Don't Bend Over in the Garden Granny, Them Taters Got Eyes, by Lewis Grizzard

Honestly, if you haven't read anything by the late Mr. Grizzard, who was a humor columnist based out of Atlanta, go to a book store, and find one of his books on a remainder table....there are usually 17 of them, and you can buy them like 3 for a dollar.

Don't Bend Over Granny is his book about "sex," and what it was like growing up when he did, and learning about sex.

It's shaped my worldview mightily.

4. The 2004 World Almanac, with personal "weird" annotations

Of course, my annotations are done with a Sharpie marker, and I've used it to mark out any passage I deem objectionable. I counted, and there are approximately 20 words in my almanac that are still visible.

3. The Phone Book

Reading it is only slightly more maddening than reading Henry James.

2. The First Garfield Treasury by Jim Davis

Contains all of the feisty felines first Sunday strips. Hilarious! Nermal is my favorite.

1. The back of the cereal box (Any Cereal)

Mmmm. Cereal.
In Which Beliefs are Altered

Here's a link to the Smoking Gun's Andre the Giant mugshot page.

It hurts my heart to see.

I always thought he was a teddy bear.

Admittedly, a 7 foot, 500 pound teddy bear with a tendency to drink heavily who does violent things for a living....but a teddy bear nonetheless.

I mean, anybody who would hurt the sweet and innocent paparazzi isn't worthy of the praise I would bestow upon him like unto a god.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Ryne Sandberg

I spent all my vitriol last year. Ryno was simply the best defensive second baseman until Robby Alomar hit the league, and the best offensive second baseman for a decade until his crappy retirement year in 94. Craig Biggio be damned.

A lot of the guys who played in the 80's are gonna get screwed for a while, those years up until 1987 or so being down offensive production years, on the whole.

Seems to me too many members of the Baseball Writers are numbers men, and not necessarily baseball men.

Gary Carter got his annual bufu for what, seven years?

At least Ryno's on pace to get in by 2006. Of course, he'll probably be completely bald by then.

In the meantime, I suggest we round up a posse, head over to Joe Morgan's house, and simply stand there and dare him to say something.

It would make me feel better, anyway.
Tom Waits

Eric wrote this about Tom Waits.

I have little to add about Waits' music. I have horrible taste in music. I own 6 CD's, and four of them are Andy Williams, each of them containing one version or another of Moon River. (The other two are multiple copies of the same Billy Ray Cyrus album; a primary, and a secondary for when (not if) the primary wears out).

But Tom Waits is part of one of my favorite cinematic moments.

A little setup:

In the movie Short Cuts, in a bit of inspired casting, Tom Waits plays Earl Piggot, a rumpled, frumpy limousine driver and jealous husband to Lily Tomlin's Doreen Piggot.

Early in the movie, Earl visits Doreen at the diner where she waitresses after he gets off a job. There, he witnesses a couple of fisherman hassling Doreen so that she keeps having to bend over in her short waitress uniform. Earl sees this, seems initially amused, but then takes what he sees as Doreen's flirtation to heart, and returns home to sulk.

After her shift, Doreen accidentally hits a little boy with her car. He seems okay, and he refuses any of her help, and she goes home to her trailer, which is somewhat well kept, but is still just a trailer. Earl is there, and he's been drinking.

Doreen tells Earl of what's just happened, and Earl is concerned, but mainly for his wallet:

Doreen: I told you....He's all right
Earl: Okay, allright, I just don't want to get sued
Doreen: Earl....It was just a stroke of luck that I didn't kill him.
Earl: Well, I'm glad somebody's luck is holding out.....

I laugh at that, but then comes the great part.

An argument ensues, in which Earl accuses Doreen of flirting at work. Doreen tells him to leave. Earl makes the offhand comment:

You know, a lot of guys don't like a big ass in their face when they're trying to eat....

The fight escalates. Doreen calls Earl a "bullshit artist," and as Earl storms out of their tiny trailer home, he shouts plaintively into the trailer in his raspy Tom Waits voice:

You're the one chippin' away at our mansion of love, baby, not me!

It's a little piece of poetry, and it's probably the most perfect person to have played the roll and spoken the line.

Yeah. This has been another tale of Tommy Remembers Movies He Likes.

Monday, January 05, 2004

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Day

I would like to fight insomnia in a fair fight. Two out of three falls, in a steel cage. At Wrestlemania 20, this spring, live at the Madison Square Garden.

Because it's whipping my ass in these little stay-awake Sorties it likes to run.

Gooseneck's been having similar stay awake problems. And I actually thought about his post while I was lying in bed.

"I wonder if I'm hearing voices, but just aren't listening closely enough," I thought.

So I concentrated, I opened my ears, and I opened my mind....

And I heard!

"I'm going to the store, do you need anything?" And: "Yeah! We need beer!"

Hell yeah. At least I know me and the voices are on the same page.

Do the voices count if they're only your neighbors downstairs? Or do they have to disembodied, too?
Pete Rose

I'm repeating myself, pretty much, as I just said this over at the Sloth's blog.

But I'm already tired beyond belief of hearing about Pete Rose. It irks the shit out of me that he's getting this much attention for admitting "Yeah, I'm a shitstain," then not apologizing, and doing it all so that he'll probably, at the very least, get Hall of Fame consideration in 2005.

And let me ask this. What kind of a miserable literary world do we live in? One, apparently, where Pete Rose gets a 500,000 print run for fessing up to something that any of us would have bet our left nut that he had done in the first place, yet one where I can't get my collection of cookie recipes even picked up on the small press?

That last line in the preceding statement is false--my cookie recipes are stored where nobody can get to them: Texas.

But it is telling of the publishing field as it exists today, and it makes me think that maybe ghostwriting is the way to go, if you want to get your shit published up all pretty.

(Which is a title consideration for the short story collection I'll be putting up on Cafe Press before long: Shit Published Up All Pretty)

Lastly, I can remember thinking more than a year ago that Baseball's Chief Used Car Salesman, in another attempt to curry favor for his administration, would probably end up reinstating Rose with all the rights and privelages thereto. I still feel that way. Because I'm beginning to think that Bud Selig is my worst enemy, and he'll do just about anything he can to irritate me.

(It's him that's been waking me up every afternoon by yelling for dogs named Lucy and Lickety Split right underneath my apartment window).