Monday, May 31, 2004

Memorial Day for Ed

Memorial Day for Ed

I was going to say something very similar to what Pete said. Just because I'm a big grinning goofus doesn't mean I can't or don't appreciate the sacrifices made by many for all of us. I am eternally grateful.

Especially to you past or present Servicemen and women who occasionally drop by here.

Thank you for your service to our country.

And a special thanks to Ed, a friend of mine from a former job, who is celebrating birthday #74 today. Ed spent parts of three different decades (part of the forties, all of the fifties and into the sixties) serving his country before becoming the shortwave radio nut and paranormal phenomena theorist whose conversation I've come to enjoy. Ed just got his first computer for his birthday, and is learning to navigate the internet. Hopefully, he sees this message.

Define Me

Define Me

Well, this wasn't much of a shock.

We recommend this sexy site:
Which Sesame Street Muppet Are You?

Seen at Daisy Blossom.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

An oldie, but a goody

An oldie, but a goody

Because I haven't posted a joke in a while, and I heard this one a couple of days ago, and found it on a joke page this morning:

The time had come to find a home for the ailing matriarch of the family. Finally, they find the right place, and the family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her breakfast, and give her a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

The family arrives to see how their mother is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies.

"Except they won't let you fart."

Friday, May 28, 2004

Kablooey: A Quick Review of Day After Tomorrow

Kablooey: A Quick Review of Day After Tomorrow

I liked Day After Tomorrow. Good effects. Lots of stuff getting destroyed. And the in between human-relations stuff was cornball, but not as bad as I'd been expecting.

Let me say this. If I'm going to see Day After Tomorrow, I'm not going for the human story. I'm going to see shit get knocked down by the weather. All that human stuff? If it's good, it's gravy. If not, I'll just scrape it off, ignore it and eat the rest of my sugary treat.

As it was, the Dennis Quaid/Jake Gyllenhall/Emmy Rossum effort toward human interest in the face of climactic dishevelment? It worked for me.

Do I want more from a movie in other terms than Kablooey? Sometimes. Most of the time. I appreciate a well put together story more than the average bear, too. I like witty dialog. I like tight, convincing performances from my actors. And while Day After Tomorrow won't rank high in any of these things, it's not near the bottom of the list, either.

And as much as I like those things, sometimes, as it's been said before, you just need some Kablooey!

And Day After Tomorrow? It's all about the Kablooey! If you don't want to see the Kablooey, then leave Day After Tomorrow alone. If you're going to watch the people, I suggest going to Coffee and Cigarettes. I'll be there to see that one, too.

I think a lot of film snobs and wannabe film snobs lash at that there's too much Kablooey in today's Hollywood, and as such, anything that looks Kablooey is bad.

I saw a couple of advance reviews hyperbolizing that this was the worst dreck to come out of Hollywood in a long time. There was a real bandwagon effect here, and a lot of people were saying negative things--a couple without even having seen the movie. Schadenfreude's an ugly thing sometimes.

Kablooey's fine. Anything's fine, in moderation, including Kablooey.

Popcorn's fine. So long as it's not all you eat.

And as destruction-based Kablooey flicks go, I enjoyed Day After Tomorrow.

Especially the part where giant hail starts falling on Tokyo. That part was my favorite.

And also Emmy Rossum. She's pretty.

Thumbs Up


Just a quick note in the same post about trailers.

I wasn't looking forward to the Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn Dodgeball movie. Mostly because I'm worn out on Ben Stiller. He's in everything nowadays. I was looking at the security monitor at the bank the other day, and damned if Ben Stiller wasn't starring in that, too.

But Ben's playing a goofy Zoolander type character instead of the downtrodden/lash out character he's prone to playing lately. Plus, Stephen Root and Rip Torn seems goofy enough that I might have to go watch Dodgeball.

Also, the trailer to Open Water made it look really tight. Two people floating on the ocean? In a storm? Fighting Jellyfish? I don't do it justice. It looks fun, and a bit scary. At least the trailer didn't ruin 2/3 of the movie.

The Stepford Wives trailer does exactly that. I don't know if it's because it's a remake, and they assume that people know the twist, or if the concept is considered too high concept for a lot of people. I think whomever cut that trailer, which basically reveals the WHOLE PLOT TWIST OF THE MOVIE, needs a tattoo on their forehead that reads "I'm the biggest idiot ever."

No trailer before this movie for M. Night Shyamalan's new one, the Village. That's how ya gotta promote it. Just cut the promos yourself.

Day After Tomorrow

Day After Tomorrow

Ebert says:

The special effects are on such an awesome scale that the movie works despite its cornball plotting. When tornados rip apart Los Angeles (not sparing the Hollywood sign), when a wall of water roars into New York, when a Russian tanker floats down a Manhattan street, when snow buries skyscrapers, when the crew of a space station can see nothing but violent storm systems -- well, you pay attention.

That's all I'm askin' for!

What's more, I find that the more cornball, optimistic, vapid and stupid the plot and people are in the face of all this adversity, the more I enjoy the destruction they face. But that's just me.

The Read List

The Read List

If you're interested, the Read List was updated. Four new titles, including Screwball, by David Ferrell; The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros; an anthology of short stories printed under the Twilight Zone banner; and State by State with the State, the travelogue done book done by the skit comedy group The State.

An entry under Delaware from that book has a place on this blog:

Well, as most educated people know, Delware is not a banking institution, but a tax shelter for the DuPont Coorporation. Sure, Delaware likes to claim to actually be a full-fledged member of the United States of America. While that is technically true, most Americans think of Delaware the same way that Price is Right contestants who've won a Cadillac and a world cruise in the Showcase Showdown think of the ugly brown carpeting they won earlier in the program. We won the American Revolution, we beat the british, and Delaware was just some carpet that came along as part of the package.....

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Today's Price is Right Update

Today's Price is Right Update

I watched while I played on the internet, today.

I don't remember what happened in the first half of the show, but in the second half, in two consecutive bid-offs, the person who won the prize and got on stage was easily the dumbest of the four contestants in contestants' row.

I don't like rooting against people (a lie), but I know that if these people are going to get on stage, we're going to have to go through fifteen minutes of The Bob explaining the rules to Plinko.

Sure enough, they won. And sure enough, Elsie couldn't quite get the hang of the target game she was playing, nor could Jerald quite understand his game. Jerald's case was pretty sad, because his game? It consisted of putting a price on one of two trips.

Funny, though, was that one of the two trips Jerald won was to Montreal, a short drive from where he already lives. It was kind of like that episode of Magnum P.I. where Magnum wins a trip in a contest to Maui.

Also, a guy from the Army won $1,000 on the big wheel. And he did it exactly right. He just spun the hell out of the wheel. And with his army conditioning, the wheel went around many, many times.

Many, many.

The Cubs

The Cubs

Quick note: You know, I wrote this, and I'm not even sure if I said what I want to say. I'll just warn you, before reading this, remember that the blog is called Big Stupid Tommy.

I haven't written much about the Cubs, or baseball at all, lately. It doesn't mean I've not been watching. It just means that I'm trying to stick to that can't say anything nice/say nothing at all type of thing.

However. Despite their winning record, and despite their being a mere game and a half behind the streaking Cincinnati Reds, I still manage to find myself frustrated, irritated and generally pissed off about one facet or another of my favorite baseball team.

A couple of things grinding me lately. Corey Patterson's become a constant thorn in my side. I hate the guy. It's irrational. But I cringe when I see him or hear him coming to the plate. Even if he gets a double and drives in three to win the game, I've got some irrational sour grape thing going on where I say to myself "he got lucky when he closed his eyes and swung..."

The fact that our lineup gets shut down by any pitcher of any kind of talent or note bugs me. Roy Oswalt, Andy Pettite and Jason Schmidt being the three that come to mind immediately. I know it's not always the case. We ran with Matt Morris a while back, and there are a couple of others that we had good games against. If we come up against a ham & egger like anybody beyond Kip Wells in the Pirates rotation, we'll do okay. But if it's a pitcher who knows his craft, he can shut the Cubs down. That bugs me.

But here's the big thing, and I've kept quiet about it because it's not rational.

The injuries are the big thing. And I didn't want to bitch about the injuries, because they're unavoidable over a 162 games, and because God would injure more Cubs if I did that. (Proof of this? I bitched to my buddy Steven about them, but said it was looking better...what happens? Kerry feels "discomfort" after eight pitches in a session, and suddenly is gone for a couple more weeks).

But the Sloth made a good point recently. Actually, he's made many good points recently, but I caught onto this one:

He points out that these guys aren't athletes, anymore. Guys like Mark Prior, Sammy Sosa and Kerry "I Kill You With Baseball" Wood are investments. Multi-million dollar investments. And the Cubs put their backs against the wall of caution whenever it comes to protecting these investments, in order to assure a higher bottom line in the future.

It's frustrating to see, and it's a note on the times we live in. Cal Ripken played every day for years. Lou Gehrig? Same thing. Didn't Babe Ruth play most of his career with syphilis? I'm damn near blind and insane with the stuff, so how the Babe managed to hit 714 dongs, I've nary a winkle dinkle. But I forget that those guys were baseball players. Even Cal. Not investments, necessarily.

None of which is to say I didn't make a turdle head whenever I heard Kerry's arm first started hurting back during that Dodger game. I don't think the scars on my soul have healed yet after his monster rookie year, and his elbow decimation thereafter. I've taken him on, warts and all, as my favorite Cub. I don't want my boy hurtin', and when I hear anything having to do with that elbow, I have to make sure I have plenty of Spray n' Wash for the undies.

I understand caution. Part of me, the conservative part of me, wants caution.

But these guys are the hosses. At least, they're supposed to be. They're supposed to lead. They're supposed to inspire. I guess what I'm getting at is that I want to be inspired. More than that, I'd like the rest of the Cubs to be inspired.

And as much as I like and admire Z, Matty "The weirdest looking guy in the world" Clement and The Moistest Alou, who've done admirably in shouldering the load, I'm not inspired by that. Maybe I should be. Maybe I'm asking too much.

But what I'd have liked to have seen was one of those superstars gut through one performance with their injuries.

Not even Hollywood/Kirk Gibson in the World Series style.

But go out there and do the job, fight through it. Warrior style.

No, it's not logical, or even practical. I mean, if you're hurt, you're hurt. I realize that. And I realize that you need to put your best players on the field, and Kerry with a sore elbow or Sammy with a wrenched back are not the best players.

At the end of this season, I'd like the mark of this team to be something more than this: "They came in with a good shot, but Mark Prior missed a third of the season with an Achilles injury, or Sammy Sosa missed a month when he hurt his back sneezing."

What I want to hear about is Kerry telling Dusty, and the whole team, that he's still the man to go out there and do it. That he still wants the ball. I want him to say, "With all due respect to Glendon "My name's Glendon" Rusch or Sergio Mitre....I'm still the best man for the job."

I want a warrior to inspire the team. I want someone to have said "It's not alright to get hurt and sit it out." Even if it is a good idea to sit down for a little while.

I guess I shouldn't bitch. But this year, it's just not good enough.

Gives a Whole New Meaning to "He's Good People..."

Gives a Whole New Meaning to "He's Good People...."

You know, Boing Boing had this story, and when I read it, I had to do a double take, just to make sure I was reading it right.

Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandal

Not our government. The Chinese government. Our government concerns itself with whether aging pop stars show boob on TV.

China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, the most common substance contained in soybean sauce.

Mmmmm. Hair.

Jeebus. Was the plant run by the Chinese equivalent of Vincent Price?

"Well, I've inspected every part of the plant, and while I'm not happy with the lack of running water or any cleaning agents, the stench, and the general horrid, even dangerous, working conditions. But I believe I'm going to let this plant pas....Waitaminnit....I haven't looked in those barrels.

"Mother of Mercy! Why are these barrels filled with human hair?!??!?!?!?!"

"What!?!? It's perfectly good! You expect me to let these 17 fifty-gallon drums of human hair just go to waste! That's ludicrous! I can't let such a protein rich commodity just go to waste!"

Upon further thought, I think a more proper casting of the proprietor of such a creepy practice would have to be someone along the lines of Willem Dafoe, or maybe Steve Buscemi....

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Disaster Footage

Disaster Footage

Remember my statement of geek cred a while back? Well, in it, I said I'm all over movies where some weather, or monsters, or asteroids or something destroys stuff here on Earth.

Pursuant to that statement,

The Day After Tomorrow comes out Friday. I don't care how many bad reviews I see (and boy, there've already been a bunch of them), I'm going to see The Day After Tomorrow, and I'm going to see it, well, the day after tomorrow.

I've said it before. If you need me to go see your movie, there are two shots you need to put in your trailer: 1.) Some famous landmark getting swept away, smashed by a comet or being climbed by a giant monster, and 2.) A bunch of people running away from it.

I don't care if The Day After Tomorrow is the worst movie of the week, or the year, or ever....I'm going to be there with bells on. Because I'm not going for stories or acting or anything like that. I'm going to watch the bad weather movie.

Concievably, they could make a two hour flick that doesn't contain any particular plotline other than a tornado, or a tidal wave, or some trampling large beast tearing things down. Two hours. Nothing but that. And I'd probably see it. Twice.

I'm the guy completely transfixed by the weather channel if one of those tornado shows is on. You know, the ones where Fred and Merline talk about how the tornaduh sount lack a train....

So I'm an easy mark. I'm to blame for this particular trend, if you're annoyed by it.

Wanna fight about it?


Ain't it cool had a really cool Godzilla image. Yeah. Huge monster, destroying Tokyo. I'm all over that. I had a Beavis moment at work when I saw it. I just kind of zoned out, staring at the screen, mumbling incoherently...

Today's Price Is Right Update

Today's Price is Right Update

Not a long update today. I forgot The Price was on, flipped it on long enough to see a kid wearing his baseball cap sideways bid $400 on a set of dishes, and another lady bid $401.

The dishes were $1300. I turned Price off. It's a little too high-fallutin' for your old pal Tommy, today. $1300 dishes. What the hell?

Do you want to know the sum total value of my dishes (a conglomeration of many different hand-me-downs and thrift store pickups, with the bulk of the drinkware consisting the large plastic cups you get with a coke or a beer at a baseball game?)

Right around twenty three dollars.

And do you know what I do if one of these hand-me-downs gets broken? I throw it away, and get another with my drink at Taco Bell.

If I broke a piece from a $1300 set of dishes, I'd probably crap my pants. I mean, I'm not Jessica Simpson. I don't have $1300 to replace sets of dishes every time I break a piece.

So, I turned the price off.

I wrote today. For the first time in a couple or three weeks. I liked how it turned out. Story of two angry bears. It was pretty funny.

Konnan to the WWE

Konnan to the WWE

If there's anything this blog has been lacking lately, it's professional wrestling updates.

If that statement give you insight into just how far my priorities are out of whack, then I don't know what will.

Anyway, we learn in the wee hours of the morning (are they wee hours because normally you're up only this early to go to the toilet?), that Konnan, who made his U.S. name in WCW's heyday, has signed a deal with World Wrestling Entertainment. Got the story from a couple of sources. Wrestling dirt sites are getting notorious for being spyware spreaders.

Konnan....has been telling people that he has agreed to a one year contract deal with World Wrestling Entertainment. As previously reported, he was pushing for an announcer position when he was backstage at Judgment Day. As of right now, he is going to play an announcer role. Although the specifics are unknown, it is expected that he would be doing backstage and in-ring interview type angles. He will most likely be a bit more “involved” than other announcers.

He apparently still wants to get in the ring, however does not feel that he is in the best physical shape to do so. As it stands right now, if things go well and Konnan gets back into shape, he could be used as a wrestler sometime down the line.

That first line of that second paragraph caught my eye, where he says he doesn't feel he's in the best physical shape to do so.

I'm the last guy who should comment on somebody else's physical shape, but I wonder what gave Konnan the clue? The fact that he couldn't run the forty feet or so from backstage to the ring in the NWA-TNA's shows without being winded.

Or maybe it was that he'd exhaust himself getting on the microphone screaming "Let me speak on this" and asking "Where all my dawgs at?"

What concerned me about Konnan was that in the few months he wrestled for the Nashville based promotion was that he never seemed to shake off the ring rust and fatigue after he'd wrestled a few matches. He was always a step slower than EVERYBODY.

I mean, Harley Race got in the ring for a ceremony one night, I think Harley Race would have had to slow up a bit if he were wrestling Konnan. And Harley Race has gotta be getting near 65, and couldn't have run out of sight in two days time, even in his prime....

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

The Angels and White Castle

The Angels and White Castle

Fark posted a link to this story, about the Anaheim Angels having to get White Castle to eat when their flight was delayed.

Yeah, remember when a slider was just a breaking ball?

Sliding's a good thing in baseball, but not when it involves greasy burgers sluicing down your intestinal tract.

(my head's hurting, these are coming too fast)

I'm thinking if somebody mentions "runs" in the Anaheim clubhouse, they might not be talking about players crossing homeplate during the game.

Not necessarily a poop joke, but do you think John Kruk is wished he were back playing when he heard this story? Because he's gotta pay for his own White Castle, nowadays....

Best Buy

Best Buy

I had a Best Buy gift card burning a hole in my pocket, so I went up this morning in search of a couple of things.

Club Dread came out on DVD today. If you haven't seen the Broken Lizard troupe's slasher-spoof, I recommend it only if you liked Super Troopers, too It's a lot of the same kind of funny as Super Troopers. Which would stand to reason, I guess. The IMDB page has some idiotic comment which calls the movie "Deeply unfunny."

Humor's such a subjective thing. I thought Club Dread was hilarious. Not the greatest movie, but neither was Super Troopers. Very episodic and skitty. Which, again, stands to reason. It's not a cookie cutter comedy which relies on Adam Sandler mugging for the camera along with reaction shots from Rob Schneider. It's just got a lot of weird, kind of unexpected funny spots. And I think comedy like Broken Lizard's needs to be supported.

But I digress.

Best Buy was sold out. Dammit.

It took me half an hour to find this little fact out.

Why is it, that whenever I go into one of these media stores, be it a Best Buy, or a Media Play, or a Tower, I can't sling a dead cat without hitting some salesperson asking me if I need help with anything? (Believe me, I've's why I'm not allowed in any of the Middle Tennessee Media Play locations anymore).

But when you actually are looking for somebody to ask a question, there's nobody in sight?

The dude that finally answered my question was the same associate I saw sitting in the Surround Sound Audio Demonstration area, watching Return of the King on one of the big giant plasma screen TV's.

Seems they only ordered a few copies of Club Dread. And that before the store opened, they decided not to sell them. Rather, they smashed them into many small pieces using hammers, chairs and plasma screen TV's in the back room. Because, really, who would want to buy those things?

Actually, the only true part of that statement was the first sentence. They'd only ordered a few, the guy said, and they sold all of them in the thirty minutes they'd been open before I got there.


What a crock of shit.

Also, they were sold out of the big Disney collector's tin of Donald Duck cartoons, the Chronological Donald, vol. 1. I loves me some Donald Duck. Because he's crazy. Mean crazy. I like Donald because he's the wrong word away from mowing the rest of the Disney family down with an AK.

Those were the two things I went in with my heart set on getting, and neither was at the store. Dammit. (Somebody's gonna tell me that I should have ordered online...I don't like ordering online. I like holding something in my hand before I buy it. I'm weird that way.)

I ended up picking the second season set of West Wing, which is just as good. It's from back when the West Wing was, you know, good. I just started up on West Wing when Bravo started running re-runs. The difference between the quality of the show back in the day, and what they're running now, Post-Sorkin is completely mindblowing.

Also: It's too hot in Tennessee. Somebody needs to write a letter, or something.

Today's Price is Right Update

Today's Price is Right Update

Didn't get to see much of The Price is Right today (or as I've come to know it, simply: Price). They had it on one of the TVs at Best Buy when I was in there, and I did stop to watch a minute or so of the Showcase Showdown.

There was a woman with a bright orange shirt. She won. She cried, she was so happy. She got a boat. And a truck, I think.

I often wonder how many of these people are aware of the taxes they'll pay on all that jazz?

That's why Wheel of Fortune just went to cash prizes at the end of each round, instead of letting you buy from a selection of fabulous prizes. Because people, especially multi-day winners, were going bankrupt from not being able to pay the taxes on all the prizes they'd bought with their Wheel earnings.

Yes, Delores Jean, you've just won a truck and a boat and some dishes and a pool table, but Uncle Sam wants his piece too. Them's the rules. Maybe you can let the Government use the truck, boat, dishes and pool table a couple of days of the week. I wonder if they'd do that....

It ain't fair, I know. If the U.S. Goverment wanted to win a boat, they should have been jovial in the meet and greet line before the Price taping, and painted themselves up in garish pink paint that reads "Uncle Sam Loves Bob Barker!" just like you, Delores Jean.

U.S. Government, come on down!

Do you think the whole government would come to contestant's row, or some type of amalgamated image, like Uncle Sam?

Do you think the U.S. Government would spin the big wheel really well?

Do you think the U.S. Government would cry if they won a truck and a boat?

Monday, May 24, 2004

The Price is Right Update, Week 2

The Price is Right Update, Week 2

Yeah, I'll keep doing this until I get bored of it.

There was a guy named Randall on today's show, and he was from Nashville. He even won big prizes. I'm not sure what. I was reading. But he got up to the Big Wheel, and he made two mistakes.

The first: he tried to usurp (The) Bob Barker's control of the Microphone. You know Bob's mike, right? Looks like an olive on the end of a crazy straw? DO NOT TOUCH THE MICROPHONE! Randall (who was dressed in Tennessee Orange) tried to say hello to somebody, before he even spun the big wheel.

"Spin the Damn Wheel!" Bob said, "And Then you Can Shout Your Inanities!"

Randall, sufficiently scolded, spun the wheel. And then he got to say hello to everybody (all 545,000 people) in Nashville, and also happy birthday to his mother, but only because (The) Bob Barker let him.

Bob is the Master of Ceremonies. He tells you want to do. You don't say what you want to do. Bob says jump, you jump. And you pray to Whomever that it's just high enough!

Second Mistake:

Randall had to beat 95 cents, and he tried to precision spin the wheel. He tried to land right on the dollar with his first spin. He was somewhere halfway around the wheel from the vaunted $1.00 spot, and since you have to get the wheel around once for the spin to count, Randall tried to get the dollar by spinning so that it completed 1.5 revolutions.

People who try to precision spin will drown in their own folly. It's just never going to happen!

Randall, you've never spun the wheel. You don't know how heavy, you don't know how much resistance there is, what kind of bearings the wheel has. NOTHING!

There are a couple of people on the planet who have the kind of eye to judge that sort of thing without touching, and also the coordination to be able to precision spin the wheel without practice (their names are Jesse "the Body" Ventura and Mr. T).

Randall, unless you're hiding the mohawk, just spin the wheel as hard as you can and pray to Whomever that you get what you want.

And pray also that you aren't led to the slaughter pens when you're led offstage.

Because I kind of think that's what happens. I think you're just done away with at the end of your time on stage, kind of like the guys in Running Man, when Ben Richards finds them. They're supposed to be on the tropical island, but they've just been hidden backstage.

And I think you're done with by a big giant blender, kind of like what Lunchlady Doris wanted to use to grind up the Simpson kids in that one Treehouse of Horror Simpsons episode, where the teachers gain a taste for the human flesh? You know what I'm talkin' about?

You know what I'm talking about.



Tried a couple of times to come up with something original, or at least non meme related, but I've found myself in something of a sour mood this morning. I couldn't say what I wanted to say nicely, or even funny. So I'm just going to write about something else:

1. Which political party do you typically agree with?

In general, I think of myself as libertarian, though I don't much of the Libertarian party, such as it is.

2. Which political party do you typically vote for?

I don't. I vote for the person.

3. List the last five presidents that you voted for?

I've only been of voting age for the last couple:

2000--Nader (My candidate was primaried out before Tennessee had the chance to nominate...)

4. Which party do you think is smarter about the economy?

I think they're all pretty much tied for last place.

5. Which party do you think is smarter about domestic affairs?

I think they're all pretty much tied for last place.

6. Do you think we should keep our troops in Iraq or pull them out?

I'm willing to get behind either idea, so long as we do it 100%, and not in this half-assed pussy way we've been going about it.

7. Who, or what country, do you think is most responsible for 9/11?

Osama. Have we caught him yet?

8. Do you think we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Well, we did set them up.

9. Yes or no, should the U.S. legalize marijuana?

Yeah. How much is this drug war costing me as a taxpayer?

10. Do you think the republicans stole the last presidential election?


11. Do you think bill Clinton should have been impeached because of what he did with Monica Lewinski?


12. Do you think Hillary Clinton would make a good president?

As good as any other rich white person.

13. Name a current democrat who would make a great president:

Is Ben Jones still a Dem? He's just the Cooter I want I'd like in the White House.

14. Name a current republican who would make a great president:

Fred Thompson. He's probably not current, either. He would have smashed our enemies with his giant, giant hands.

15. Do you think that women should have the right to have an abortion?


16. What religion are you?

I consider myself a Christian, but I am not affilated with any denomination or church, nor am I seeking any particular affiliation.

17. Have you read the Bible all the way through?

Yep. Although I admit to cheating a bit with Numbers, which is largely what the title suggests, and also anytime a geneaology's listed.

18. What’s your favorite book?

Either The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn or Confederacy of Dunces

19. Who is your favorite band?

It changes, but today I think I'll say the Chieftains.

20. Who do you think you'll vote for president in the next election?

I can't support the current administration.

21. What website did you see this on first?

Say Uncle.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Where Are You?

Where Are You?

Saturdays are slow around these parts. Most blogs, I've decided, are for reading when you're goofing off at work.

On this Saturday, I'm just curious where my sevens of readers are. I've got the Guestmap on the left, but it's easily ignored.

If you would, just leave a comment. Tell me what city and state, and country, if you want, you're in right now. Or, failing that, what region or area you're reading from.

Because I'm curious. Consider it a ham radio project.

I'm in Murfreesboro, TN, where the cicadas have not yet attacked, but against whom we fortify with increasing terror and vigor.



Last night's game to drive the co-workers insane? Put Sister Christian, by Night Ranger, on repeat on the CD Player over the intercom.

The best part was how I was able to time it so that it sounded like it was just the next song to come on the radio after that Phil Collins/Take a Look Through My Eyes song from Brother Bear. So they at first blamed the radio. It was in the fifth or sixth repitition before they suspected something was up, and found what I'd done.

When I heard a co-worker much later in the night singing to himself "Motorin'!.....What's your price for flight?" I knew the damage was done. He's gonna have Night Ranger in his mind for the next day or so.

In some societies, he'd be within his rights to hunt me down and kill me.

Staggeringly Stupid

Staggeringly Stupid

Maybe it was my mood, but this story cracked me up:

LONDON (Reuters) - Simon Taylor was outraged when the platform address system announced the train he was waiting for wouldn't be stopping to let him get on.

He stalked home, got his car, drove back in a fury to the station and made sure the train stopped -- by parking his car across the tracks.

"It was a staggeringly stupid thing to do. It was done out of anger and frustration and lack of thought," Taylor later told police.

"I shouldn't have got out of bed that morning," he added.

Taylor, 47, admitted a charge of obstruction at Hove Crown Court and faces up to two years in jail and a hefty fine when sentenced.

The incident happened at Berwick station in East Sussex as Taylor was waiting for a train to London.

I just like the cartoon logic. He wasn't even worried about whether and where the train would go after it stopped. His only concern was that the train would stop.

In the movie camera of my mind, I see Taylor's spring from the station and then his drive, tear-assing back to the tracks, all seen from the vantage point of an older fellow sitting on his porch.

"Maude...that Taylor fella's done flipped his lid..."

Friday, May 21, 2004

Today's Price is Right Update

Today's Price is Right Update

Bringing you, the folks goofing off at work by reading this blog, the skinny on everybody's favorite daytime television game show, The Price is Right.

I wasn't paying close attention, as I was reading, but I did notice when I saw a woman so happy to make it on stage that she was crying.

She bid on a Gentleman's Chest to get up on stage. She bid $700, and the actual suggested retail price was something like $724.

Now, on something like that, I'd have no idea what to bid. I figured everybody onstage had overbid, to be honest. It was a little skinny legged, waist-high table-looking deal with about five skinny drawers coming out of the front. Drawers that wouldn't be big enough to put in anything more than one folded piece of underwear. And honestly. Who, in this day and age, folds their underwear?

But the damned thing cost $724. I can't think of anything I'd have that would even go in such a contraption.

But then, the rub lies in the name. A Gentleman's Chest? Such a thing would be lost on me. I need a Slob's Box or maybe even A Lazy Guy's Pile in the Floor. And I tend to think those would run much cheaper. Bids starting at right around $3.

Do you think Bob drinks?

He'd have to.

Not a lot interesting on today's show. So I read.



As was requested by at least one person, Big Stupid Tommy, and his friend Steven, in tuxedos.

I'm the big giant grinning goofus on the left. Steven, on the right, is probably enduring the 900th picture of the night.

Thanks to Diane for taking and sending me the picture.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Today's Price is Right Update

Today's Price is Right Update

Do you think there's a producer laughing his ass off at Bob Barker any time a contestant gets on stage who has only a nodding acquaintance with the English Language?

Bob: Okay, which product's price needs a dollar added to it to have the right price

Nelia: (Other language, and then:) Eh?

Bob: You have two products, with prices listed. One is correct, one needs a dollar added to the price. Which one is that?

Nelia: Pie? Eh?

Bob: No, we have David brand Sunflower Seeds and Miracle Gro 7-Day plant food. Which needs a dollar added to the price to move on in the game?

Nelia: Eh?

Bob: Which product?

Nelia: Eh?

Bob: Does the price under the Sunflower Seeds need a dollar added to it? Or the plant food?

Nelia: Plant....Food? Eh?.....

Arrested Development

Arrested Development

Here's USA Today's listing of next season's Fox TV lineup.

Arrested Development's coming back.

It quickly became one of the two network TV shows I'd actually set aside time to watch this past season, and given the general crappiness of the Simpsons this year, by the end of the season, Arrested Development was the only network show I made sure to watch or tape during the week.

So it makes me happy that it's coming back. Fox tends to run but quickly cancel a lot of the really funny comedies.

Theater Thursday

Theater Thursday

Theater Thursday, because I'm too damn tired to think up something else to say right now.

Shrek 2 opens this weekend in theaters, hoping to be an even bigger hit than the prequel. From Antz, to Mulan, to The Lion King, to Heavy Metal, even Anime; There are hundreds of animated movies.

1. What is your favorite animated movie?

Right now, it's Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. Easily the best Batman movie of them all. It lets Bruce Wayne/Batman be the conflicted nutball/effective and cool vigilante he is in the best comics, without getting bogged down in a director trying to affect the character stylistically.

Other favorites, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut; Beavis and Butthead do America (with a cameo by David "Earl Hoffert" Letterman); and Transformers the Movie, even if it is an 80 minute long toy commercial.

2. Which animated movie is your least favorite?

Does Space Jam count? I've watched a lot of stupid, written down to the audience crap in my life, but Space Jam's pretty rough.

3. Who is your favorite animated movie character?

Well, the animated Batman's the best Batman. I guess that's my answer.

We miss you in Toontown.
Thanks for playing. Don't forget to leave a link to your blog in the comments, so we can all see what your thoughts are on animation.

(I saw the meme at the Inn of the Last Home, and also Knock/Snooze.)

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Today's Price is Right Update

Today's Price is Right Update

Three straight days, bringing you, you daytime working schlubs, the word on everybody's favorite day-time game show, The Price is Right.

--There was a guy named Carlos, who was wearing his hat backwards, who got to spin the big wheel. I don't think he even cared about beating Christine's 65 cents. He got something like 35 cents on the first spin. He spun the wheel very enthusiastically.

On the second spin, he jumped a little, to get extra momentum. He told Bob, "I've always wanted to spin the wheel."

Me too. Even if I beat the previous spinner's amount, I'd want to spin again. Because I've always wanted to spin that wheel.

Always. Boop Boop Boop.

Because Fear is so much easier to gain than Respect....

Because Fear is so much easier to gain than Respect...

The Philosophical Scrivener brings us this story.

A student's poem is considered Un-American by the school's principal, and he goes apeshit, and it costs one, possibly more, teachers their jobs:

Bill Nevins, a New Mexico high school teacher and personal friend, was fired last year and classes in poetry and the poetry club at Rio Rancho High School were permanently terminated. It had nothing to do with obscenity, but it had everything to do with extremist politics.

The "Slam Team" was a group of teenage poets who asked Nevins to serve as faculty adviser to their club. The teens, mostly shy youngsters, were taught to read their poetry aloud and before audiences. Rio Rancho High School gave the Slam Team access to the school's closed-circuit television once a week and the poets thrived.

In March 2003, a teenage girl named Courtney presented one of her poems before an audience at Barnes & Noble bookstore in Albuquerque, then read the poem live on the school's closed-circuit television channel.

A school military liaison and the high school principal accused the girl of being "un-American" because she criticized the war in Iraq and the Bush administration's failure to give substance to its "No child left behind" education policy.

The girl's mother, also a teacher, was ordered by the principal to destroy the child's poetry. The mother refused and may lose her job.

Here's the kicker. Nevins still is getting hell:

Meanwhile, Nevins applied for a teaching post in another school and was offered the job but he can't go to work until Rio Rancho's principal sends the new school Nevins' credentials. The principal has refused to do so, and that adds yet another issue to the lawsuit [Nevins has filed], which is awaiting a trial date.

It's an extreme case. I'm extremely curious as to what the poem says.

Michael Chabon wrote this editorial a while back that I posted a link to a while back. In it, Chabon argues that expression isn't the strongest suit with teenagers, especially teens who tend to shy away from communicative gestures. Often, it is they who are most confused by what they think, and any opportunity to communicate should be praised, and not crushed because of what is said in the communication.

What the jackboots fail to realize is that in their fervor to uphold what they see as the American standard, the resentment they breed with their actions outweighs (generally by far) the respect they garner with their show of strength and support of their America. They end up creating more anti-American spirit. In the worst case, those who have something they need to express see what happens when you do express it, they hold it in, and ultimately lash out in a horrible way, for lack of an outlet.

But then, I've found that school principals are, more often than not, educators who found themselves ill suited to the actual process of teaching, or over time lost the ability to communicate themselves. Through stubbornness and stick-to-itiveness, they became administrators, and came to view students in much the same way a warden would view prisoners.

Part of the problem is the current political environment. Everybody's worried to some degree about the threat to our nation. A few people turn G.I. Joe in their small positions of power, trying to root out evil, and in their mouth-frothing fervor, they are mistaking simple disagreement for that evil.

The other part is what we pay teachers nowadays. Granted, there are assholes and ignorance on every level of the pay scale, but I tend to think if we'd put a bit more financial incentive into the educational process, we'd get a more intelligent, creative educators and fewer square-headed prison wardens who couldn't cut it as a football coach but who still enjoy their couple of months off in the summer.

And that's not a knock on educators...we have many, many bright, creative, excellent teachers teaching today despite the fact there is more money to be made elsewhere....I just think we'd have more people like them if we put a bit more into the educational process....

Randy Johnson's Perfect Game

Randy Johnson's Perfect Game

I got the night off tonight. I woke up for a little while in the late afternoon. I ate a bowl of soup, read for a little while and played on this here internet. As I was going back to sleep, I turned the Braves game on the radio. I finally fell asleep after the fourth, just after the announcers had said Johnson's put down the first twelve Braves batters in order.

I thought about staying up to catch the game in its entirety, but I thought "Nah....what are the chances?"

Now we know. 27 up, and 27 down. Randy Johnson pitched 13 K perfect game.

A very nice accomplishment, Randy. Congratulations.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Startling Realizations

Starting Realizations

Gooseneck came to this startling realization:

I have no idea how to get to Toronto.

If somebody put a gun to my head and said, "Drive to Toronto!" I'd be a dead man.

Goose has recently celebrated his oneth anniversery blogging. Things were so crazy lately, I forgot to congratulate him.

Honestly, if I had to pick a blog closest in tone to mine, and one that makes me laugh more often than not, I'd pick Gooseneck's. Go give his site a read.

Your Price is Right Update

Your Price is Right Update

As I said yesterday, I work nights, which leaves me most mornings to entertain for myself. Since I can only blow so many spit bubbles, here lately, I've been watching The Price is Right. Usually, I listen. I'll spend that time reading the newspaper or writing a little. But sometimes I'll look up if something catches my ear.

A lot of you read this blog from work, so you're probably not able to watch The Price is Right. I'm here to help.

Here now, a couple of random thoughts about today's game:

--A guy with homes in Michigan and Wyoming got up on stage. When Bob asked him what he did for a living, he tried to say "I'm retired," but slipped and started to say "I'm retard...." At first, I thought he was trying to fake a Freudian slip of some manner, but listening to him talk a couple of times else in the game, I think he honestly slipped.

--There's a guy named Thomas who's wearing a Cal Poly shirt. I think Thomas is high. I think the Price is Right should look into testing for illegal and/or performance enhancing drugs. In the case of Thomas, I believe he's on the reefer. The TPIR scouts look for happy people in the lines before the show, and I think Thomas has been enhancing his happiness chemically. Also, he bid pretty well on a set of guitars. Also, it looked like he wasn't wearing shoes. He may have been wearing sandals or flip flops. I'd think TPIR has a no shirt, no shoes, no play the games policy.

--On the upside, Thomas spun the hell out of the big wheel, so he's got that much going for him. I always enjoy seeing somebody spin that wheel.

Tony Randall

Tony Randall

Just got a CNN e-mail that Tony Randall's died at 84. Here's the Fox news story.

He told my favorite joke ever when he was on Letterman about ten years back. In his honor:

A woman goes to the doctor complaining that the hormones he's prescribed are working too well.

"I don't like the side effects," she says.

"What sort of side effects?"

She opens her shirt to show a thick mat of hair on her chest.

The doctor is surprised. He looks at it closely.

Finally he asks: "Is it located only on your chest?"

"No," she says, "It goes all the way to my balls, which is something else I need to talk to you about...."

TV Tuesday

TV Tuesday

TV Tuesday--because the goblins in my brain need photons from the TV to digest my succulent brain cells.

Jay Leno once quipped when he was alone in an elevator his mind always reverted to the lowest song he could think of: "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed..."

Love them or hate them, TV theme songs stick with us for years! If you're stuck on some lyrics, click here for a comprehensive page with words I never even knew existed. (Who knew I Dream of Jeannie had lyrics???)

On that musical note:

1. What is your favorite TV theme song?

The theme song to the Dukes of Hazzard. Good Ol' Boys.

I also like the Diff'rent Strokes theme song.

Also, the theme to the old Bill Bixby/Lou Ferrigno Incredible Hulk show was really good, too.

2. Which song drives you crazy enough to hit mute on the remote?

There aren't any, that I can think of. I was a little annoyed by the Friends theme when it first started, because it would get stuck in my head.

3. Which song are your proud to say you remember (most of) the lyrics to???

Oh hell. Dukes of Hazzard. The spoken intro to A-Team. The G.I. Joe cartoon theme.

~Bonus~ Put the lyrics on your page (from memory), and I'll list you next week in the TV Tuesday Theme Song Hall of Fame. Don't forget to leave a comment so I'll know you posted!

Just the good ol' boys.
Never meanin' no harm.
Beats all you ever saw
Been in trouble with the law
Since the Day they was born!

Straightening the curves.
Flattening the hills.
Someday, the mountain may get them,
But the law never will.

Makin' their way,
the only way they know how.
That's just a little bit more
Than what the law will allow.

Just the good old boys.
Wouldn't change if they could.
Fightin' the system like two modern-day Robin Hoods!

Thanks for playing, and remember:

"Got kind of tired packing and unpacking,
Town to town and up and down the dial
Maybe you and me were never meant to be,
But baby think of me once in awhile.

I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati..."



There are just some things that make me smile. No matter what. Say Uncle remembered this, and posted a couple of pictures of Politically Incorrect Dog's birthday, complete with a two (2) pictures of Politically Incorrect Dog wearing a hat.

Some days, there is nothing more funny to me than a dog wearing a hat.

Also, a while ago, my folks inherited a pug. When I visit, everything I do is a wonder. It's interesting, although occasionally he'll cock his head at you like you've just said or done the dipshittiest thing he's ever seen in his life.

But anyway, Max is an animal of routine. He's a bit too rambunctious to be left on his own while they're at work or asleep, so he's got a pen he stays in those times.

Dad will come home for lunch every day, and he's got every season of M*A*S*H that's been released on DVD. He watches an episode or two of that show while he eats. He also lets Max out to go to the toilet and eat a little lunch with him.

Max is so used to this routine, he knows that when the music from the end credits of MASH begins to play, it's time to go back to his pen. He just gets up from whatever he's doing, walks over to his pen, and lies down.

I'm going to have to try that next time I'm visiting to see if it'll work in other situations. Because it's a pain in the butt to get him to go to his pen when he doesn't want to go.

Black Socks

Black Socks

Shyam, in a comment about the wedding this past weekend, had this to say:

3. you ALL cleaned up very nicely. even billy and jason. and hal once we stopped and bought socks.

(Billy is the Evil Hippy, and Jason was once the proprietor of the Angry Jack blog, and Hal is Shyam's significant other.)

There were a lot of us with black sock problems. I realized when I was packing my stuff to take over to the church that I'd grabbed navy blue socks from the apartment instead of black. Benjy had come from Oregon without any, and had to buy some. Hal had to buy some (or was it somebody had to make him buy them?)

And unless I'm mistaken, the groom his own self had a problem of some sort, although it may not have necessarily been with the black socks.

I don't know. I don't think anybody would have noticed. Hell, I've worn two different shoes to work and had nobody notice, least of all myself.

But I think it's a sign that we cared.

Or that we were very afraid.

Maybe one led to the other.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Your Price is Right Update

Your Price is Right Update

I know a lot of you are reading this at work. Which means you're missing everybody's favorite daytime game show, the Price is Right.

Here's what's happened so far today.

Somebody screwed somebody over by bidding a dollar more than the first person's bid. Not a unique occurrence, by any stretch of the imagination. I just enjoy watching the frustration of the person who gets their bid effectively cancelled out. I'd tear up the set like Jonathan Winters in the Gas Station.

This girl had Bob Barker's name written all over her body, and won, among other things, a set of encyclopedias. She seemed visibly upset by her selection of prizes.

And this guy named Pram, who is wearing an American Idol T-Shirt and who proclaimed William Hung as his hero, pranced more in his "Come On Down" run than anybody outside of the old 3 Little Pigs Disney cartoon has any right or need to. I mean, I think Liberace would have clocked this guy with a candelabra and said "Be a Man!"

I would have donated my life savings to the Humane Society if Bob Barker had just pulled a gun out and shot him when he got to contestants' row, just for being so happy.

The Cubs and Padres

the Cubs and Padres

The Cubs swept the fighting friars this weekend.

Sunday, Dad mentioned that they'd won the first two games of the series.

I had to sit there for a minute, and finally I asked who they were playing this weekend. I had no idea.

The Padres, he told me.

I guess that's the secret. I have to remain completely oblivious to the baseball situation. Ignore it completely, and the Cubs will win.

Wedding Ruminitions, part the two

Wedding Ruminitions, part the two

Okey dokey. Just a retelling of the events leading to the wedding, now that I've had a little time to think on things.

I finished my week's work on Thursday night, around 2 in the morning or so. Since gas was in the truck, and I was wired anyway, I just threw my stuff in the truck and headed out to go get Steven and Janet married.

Ran into more bugs and moths than I've ever seen in my life during those couple of hours on the interstate in the middle of the night.

Made it to East Tennessee easily enough. Went to the K-Mart, to buy the deodorant, which I was out of. I figured it was the least I could do. Went to the clothiers to pick up the tuxedo, a nice little deal: black, long tie, silver vest. Despite my earlier claims that I looked like a hot, overdressed Tommy, I think I actually pulled off looking rather spiffy. I tried the thing on at the store, pretty sure that we'd have to get something on the suit overnighted to replace something that didn't fit just right.

Clothes often don't settle and lay on me the way they should. Plus, I've got canoes for feet, so I was sure something wouldn't have measured out right on my feet, or on my body somewhere. I told Rodney, the tuxedo dude, as I've come to think of him in my mind, this little fact. He laughed politely, and wandered away to discontinue the conversation.

The tux fit. Rather well.

Called Steven, and told him basically what I'd written last Friday. That when I get married, it'll be t-shirts and blue jeans all the way.

"You ain't kiddin'" he says.

(As an aside, what I wrote Friday about how my Mom and Dad got married was basically true. There was no shotgun. That part was a joke. And it was a five and dime store they were married in, not a hardware store. But they were married in blue jeans and flannel in the back of a five and dime by Justice of the Peace Johnny Roddy. And during the actual ceremony, according to Mom, a decrepit little-old-lady towing six kids knocked on the door of the back room where they were getting married, and demanded to use the restroom. Johnny, a little angrily, explained that they were getting married, and that she'd have to wait--I wrote that little tidbit down because it's just too funny.

"I gotta pee."

"They'll be hitched in a minute--you just hold it in!"

But anyway, it was the early seventies, my Mom had seen her shares of big weddings with her friends and family, and money was a little tight for them back in those days, so they just got hitched in the most pragmatic way possible. That night, they went to a basketball game.)

The wedding rehearsal was that night. I wondered if there was a dress code, as some of these things tend to have. Steven said "Nope. I'm wearing shorts."

Steven speaks my language.

I slept. Not much.

The rehearsal was at 6 that night. Saw the other groomsmen.

I finally got to meet Benjy, a good friend of Steven's from way back. Steven's a couple of years older than me. We became friends through other people, ended up in college together, roommating with nearly disastrous results for a short while, and have since gone on to become the best of friends. But as a result of Steven's age, he's got a couple of friends that have moved away that I've never met, or maybe had met or knew of, but still couldn't place a face with a name.

At some point over the weekend, Benjy called Steven and asked about what shoes he was supposed to wear to the wedding. He said there weren't any with the tuxedo. He led Steven on for a while, finally letting him off the hook. I like Benjy. I think most of Steven's groomsmen were the personification of "with friends like these, who needs enemies?"

Benjy's got a hell of a personality. I liked him immediately. His wife and kid were, there. Benjy's girl has all the personality of the two of them combined. Neat kid.

Jimmy and I met each other a lot of the same way I met Steven. Through other friends. Jimmy and I have very similar personalities. Jimmy got married a little while back, and has started a family of his own.

Jonathan is Steven's brother-in-law. He married Diane several months back. Jonathan came in with a newly buzzcut head. Diane was fond of pointing out to me that Jonathan cut his that way because any other way is just too hot in the summertime. I cut mine that way to deflect attention away from the rapidly impending baldness.

Besides. I tend to think I'm not going bald. My brain's expanding.

Yeah. I don't even have a forehead anymore. It's a fivehead, now.

Rehearsal was strictly a "yes, sir; yes, ma'am" sort of thing. I just did whatever I was told, and did my best to remember it all. After a couple of hours, we felt like we'd gotten everything down.

Then it was time to cook out.

We all proceeded over to Shyam's place (she's a friend and a regular commentor here). There, we had steak, and burgers, and potato chips, and cookies, and potato salad, and more steak and marshmallows and (most importantly) beer. Kept cold in a canoe. The beer canoe. As it were.

A nice night. I got to meet several of Steven's relatives, including his grandmother and his cousin Mark (who's already commented once here), many of them again I was happy to finally put a face with a name.

There were fireworks. Hal and Jonathan were responsible there. I begged off. Tommy's not good with fires or explosives. We call him Big Stupid Tommy for a reason. Of course, after the two had carted the stuff to the other side of the pond, we were entertained with bottle rockets and other explosives not shooting exactly upward. Across the pond a few times, yes. There were a couple that seemed go off not too far from where they were shooting. But there were no fingers lost or eyes put out, so we considered it a victory.

It was a nice night. Had a conversation with the future Mrs. West about whether I was to be censored in my speech the next night. I'd wondered with Steven whether the words "boobs" or "farting" would be inappropriate if sprinkled throughout my speech. Also, there was to be a Homer Simpsonesque scream and a night-terror cry about "Cobras!"

I was told that I was to be nice, and not too stupid.

Lordy. Pressure.

We ended that night somewhere around midnight. It was one of those asleep before my head hit the pillow kind of nights.

But it didn't last long. I was a little uncomfortable in my sleep, and I ended up awake before the crack of dawn. I got up. Mom and Dad were setting up for a yard sale. I helped them set up. Came home, made sure everything was ready to go. I took a short nap, and wandered over to the church.

Steven and Janet were enforcing the no groom seeing the bride rule pretty strictly. Anytime one had to leave a room to go another way for pictures or to finish dressing, an advance recon party was sent ahead, to make sure path and destination were clear.

The boys dressed in the basement, where it was cool. I made sure to bring water, because I'm a sweater, and I knew that, at the very least, I'd need some.

To a man, I think all five of us, Steven, Benjy, Jimmy, Jonathan and myself, looked rather spiffy. Perhaps even spiffier than most of us had looked in a long, long time. I can't remember if we got a picture beyond the professional photographer's venue of the five of us. We should have gone to Vegas, Steven. It'd be more like Rain Man than a Rat Pack movie, but I think it would have gone well, all the same.

I think the spiffy appearance was made all that more shocking when you consider that even though all of us hover in the late 20's/early 30's range, we all still dress like we're nine, and, speaking personally, like I dug through the hamper to find the least dirty piece of clothing. So, the tuxedoed groom and groomsmen ended up alright.

We photographed. The highlight of that was the ringbearer boys being completely unwilling to take pictures with anybody, and one regarding Steven with something between startled wonder and abject terror.

The ceremony itself was very nice. I was nervous, though I'm not sure why. I was afraid I'd start giggling or something.

I caught my friend Julie's eye once, and I grinned, and made myself look away. See, a long time ago, Julie's boyfriend and my friend Jason and I made a cartrip to our friend Lesli's wedding a trying one for her. We discussed the whole time ways that the outdoor wedding could have been disrupted, up to and including bee attacks, lawnmowers going next door, and fights and chases involving 2 x 4's and tree limbs.

Maybe it's one of those things where you had to be there.

But I was afraid if I caught Jason's or Bill's eye, I'd start laughing for some reason.

A piper played the processional. It was excellently done. I got as big a kick out of the bag pipes as I did anything else over the course of the day.

Here's what struck me the most about the whole wedding ceremony. It seemed like it was over in a flash. The processional took longer than the actual ceremony. I commented later that it was almost like the short, short wedding at the end of Spaceballs.

I don't think Steven has a memory of the whole event. It whizzed by that quickly.

We had more pictures, and then it was off to the reception.

Excellent reception. Good food. Just a nice, quiet meal. No alcohol. Beer permit and liquor license, apparently, needed to be applied for and approved. It was an unneeded hassle.

Nice meal. There was no particular drama anyplace that I was aware of. I managed to distract Steven long enough for Benjy, Jimmy and our friend Billy to go mess around with Janet and Steven's ride. I thought they did a rather nice job...notes of "finally married" and "Mr. and Mrs. Walden."

I had to give the toast. I'd been struggling with what I'd say for a few weeks. I'd joked that I'd wait until the morning of, since I've always done my best work, whether for job or for school, under the sweat of desperation. I didn't intend to follow through with that jest, but as time went on, I found that I was really struggling with the right words to say.

It had hit me Thursday afternoon. The seed, the inkling. Comedian Larry Reeb had been on the Bob and Tom Show, and one of his old comedy bits came floating back to me.

I never put pen to paper, except for a couple of notes on a notecard, which I ended up not even using. Winging it, as it were.

I don't know exactly what I said, but what I wanted to say, it went along the lines of:

"One of my favorite comedians has a joke. It says, your average lunatic and axe murderer, he's probably not married. The reason being, if a wife sees her husband wearing a ski mask in July, she's gonna make him take it off. And if he's carrying an axe, it had better be to chop firewood.

I bring this up, not because I think either Janet or Steven's capable of that sort of lunacy (I got bigger laughs with this line), but to bring to mind the idea that none of us is complete.

We're all come into the world with certain talents, abilities, and compunctions. And we all have a match somewhere, someone who can complement what we don't have, to help make us complete, to help give us mutual direction on the road of life. I think of it as the completion of the circle of life, the yin and yang, the perfect fitting together in the forming of a union.

We were lucky to get to see that today, because it's a special thing.

A match, a true match, is a rare thing. That's why it pleases me so very much to see two of my favorite people in the world, Janet and Steven, find that rare thing, and come together after so many years.

I don't have much else to say, so I just want to raise a glass to Janet and Steven, my friends."

I don't think it came out exactly like that when I said it. I need to say that. I think I got most of it out, though. I made it most of the way through without getting really emotional.

And I meant every word.

The rest of the night was spent chatting. I got some very nice words from Steven's grandmother. I liked her a lot, and I can see where a lot of the family's sense of humor comes from. According to Mark, I made quite the impression on her.

Janet and Steven danced to Storybook Love, from the Princess Bride.

I had to go clean the saran wrap off their chariot, before they left to a short stay at a bed and breakfast for the weekend. They'll be heading to England this summer as a proper honeymoon.

With a hug for both, I took care of Steven's tux, and was among the last to leave the shindig.

Wow. Long post.

I'll probably have a couple more thoughts, as I remember them. And hopefully a picture or two will come to me of the group, especially me in a tux, to post.

That was the weekend.

Just want to finish up again by saying I think Janet and Steven will make a lovely couple. They've known each other for years. I'm thinking they'll last a long, long time. I was proud to have been a part of it.

Congratulations, guys.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Wedding Ruminitions, part the one

Wedding Ruminitions, part the one

A short post, to be followed later by a longer recounting.

First and foremost, I'd like to give one last note of congratulations to my friends Steven West and (the former) Janet Walden, who were married in a beautiful service last night.

I served in the capacity of Best Man. Got tuxed up. Kept Steven in line, and made sure he was ready and steady on his feet getting to the service.

Said a few words at the reception. Was worried that a joke about an axe murderer in a toast speech might not go over well, but I forgot that both Janet and Steven come by their senses of irony and humor honestly, and that they get them from their families. So it would take a lot more than an axe murderer joke to offend most, if not all, of them.

As we say up on the hill, I'm wore out. Going to take it easy today, if I can.

I do want to say, one last time, congrats to my friends Steven and Janet. It was an honor to serve.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Hopeless Romantic

Hopeless Romantic

Just picked up a tuxedo for a wedding I'm in this weekend.

I was hoping for that James Bond look. Instead, Tommy in a tuxedo looks more like a very warm, very overdressed Tommy.

Hopeless romantic that I am, I'll say this:

When I finally I meet the right girl, and decide to get married, we're going to do it right, just like Mom and Dad did. We'll be married in blue jeans and t-shirts, in the back of a hardware store, by a justice-of-the-peace, all under the close supervision of a man pointing a shotgun.

Thursday, May 13, 2004



Just a note to anybody who's been e-mailing me.

I've been wondering why I've not been getting replies to a lot of my e-mails. On a whim, I checked my spam folder, and I had a couple of messages meant for my inbox in there.

I've been getting some, but not all.

So if anybody's e-mailed me lately and wondered why I haven't responded, I think that's why. You might want to re-send whatever you wanted to tell me, because I've been deleting my spam folder at the end of the day without thinking about it, so I've probably missed your message.

One of those days

One of those days

I don't have any specific reason, but I'm just a crabby sumbitch today. Today, and the last couple of days, actually. That's why there's been the relative lack of posting here lately. Not being able to say much nice, I've said very little.

Pictures being worth roughly 883 words (due to inflation), I won't bore you with all the little things getting on my nerves. I'll post this picture, which I got in the e-mail a little while back.

It cheered me up a little. It pretty much sums up my disposition today, too.

Bea Arthur

Bea Arthur

Bea Arthur turns 81 today.

You want to know about power? According to TVTome, both the Golden Girls and Maude ended because Bea didn't want to be on the shows anymore. Of course, Bea did play Maude, so it would have been a show without its title character. Which might have been kind of a surreal kind of comedy, but it's not the kind of thing Joe America tends to appreciate.

Volunteer Tailgate Party

Volunteer Tailgate Party

Medb is hosting the latest edition of the Volunteer Tailgate party, an exhibition and celebration of everything that's good, shiny and impressive (like Dusty Rhodes) in the Rocky Top Brigade.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

The Latest Selig Outrage

The Quotable Bobby Hill

The Quotable Bobby Hill

It's not a crutch. It's something I've come to rely on to get me through life.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Geek Cred

Geek Cred

Llama Butchers and Sheila and Bill have talked a little bit about Geek Cred.

Ten Things, huh?


10. When I find an author I like, I obsess until I've read everything by that author. Whether it's lighter stuff, like Joe Lansdale or Michael Crichton, or heavier, like Karen Armstrong's religious histories, or (dammit) Faulkner. I've gotten hold of four Tom Robbins books that I think I'm about to go through. Speaking of obsession, I've read every book published by Stephen King. Yeah, I know he's not a great writer, but I like his stories. And that's all that matters.

9. Huge baseball fan. Love the baseball. Any baseball. Perfect day? Surprise double header, as it was when we went to a Myrtle Beach Pelicans minor league game, and found out that they'd been rained out the night before, and were playing a double header.

8. I have gone to a bookstore on a date. As THE main part of the date, after dinner. And she enjoyed it.

7. I know entire episodes of the Simpsons by heart. I quote them with friends. I am not the biggest Simpsons geek I know. That last fact makes me sad.

6. Tim Burton can do no wrong, in my eyes.

5. I have to see any movie that feature disaster footage on a grand scale. Independence Day, when Los Angeles, Washington and New York are getting obliterated? I'm there. Tidal wave sweeping over New York, in Deep Impact? Oh yeah. Paris getting blown to bits in Armageddon? Truly great film making. In fact, if you need me to go see your movie, there are two shots you need to put in your trailer: 1.) Some famous landmark getting swept away, smashed by a comet or being climbed by a giant monster, and 2.) A bunch of people running away from it. It doesn't even have to be on that grand a favorite scene is the Marshmallow Man scene in Ghostbusters, especially when he steps on the church to get at the Ghostbusters.

4. I used to be able to do the dialog of Star Wars (pre SE) from memory. I'd probaby still be able to do it, but I may be a little rusty, as I've actually gone without seeing Star Wars for about 18 months, now. Which is a record. I started to prove it to a friend, once, and by the time I'd gotten to Vader's "You are part of the rebel alliance, and a traitor! Take her Away" speech, he was telling me to stop. Stop! STOP!

3. I'm 27, and I go to the toy store at least once a week. I don't buy much. But that's due more to finances and priorities than lack of need to buy toys. Simpsons figures. Star Wars figures. A Cardassian turned Borg figure is staring me in the face right now.

2. I'm a standup comedy geek, especially here lately. I don't go to live shows much (money, dammit), but I'm terribly impressed by anybody who can get up in front of a lot of people and make them laugh. The big shows are too expensive. But there are some that might be worth it. Danielle pointed out that the Smothers Brothers are coming in weekend after next. Not completely standup, but a funny show, I'm sure. That would kick ass.

1. I watch professional wrestling. I have professional wrestling on tape and DVD. I write about wrestling occasionally on my blog. I can talk to people as to what my favorite matches of all time are, and why. It's essentially a soap opera, only with the fighting taking place in the ring, choreographed.

Well. There you go.

The hard part was narrowing it down to 10.

TV Tuesday

TV Tuesday

It's TV Tuesday, because Kelly Ripa tells me to from the magic box....

Tuesday at 9/8 central CBS is running the 159th episode of one of it's classic TV series: The Dick Van Dyke Show Revisited. This episode was written 40 years later, with all the surviving cast members in it. This will be an actual episode, with the actors in character, not just actors sitting around reminiscing about the good old days.

Bill Persky, the show's writer-producer, said in TV Guide: "Everybody's memory was not what it was. We could remember a joke from 40 years ago, but we couldn't remember whether we decided to do a scene this way or that way. Everybody had something they almost remembered, so when we were looking for a title, I came up with The Dick Van Dyke Show Almost Remembered. The comic timing was terrific- except when they couldn't hear anything. There was a lot of "What? What? What?" The greatest below-the-line expense was for hearing aid batteries."

On that note, how do you feel about reunion shows?

1. What show would you like to see brought back for an hour or two episode, to see how the characters are doing now? (This should be a show that it might be possible to do a reunion on.)

Perfect Strangers. But not as a continuation of the series as it ended.

There was an episode of Perfect Strangers where they flashed forward to a future where Cousin Larry had never asked his girlfriend out. He's old, bald and alone. Meanwhile, Balki owns the Chicago Cubs, and he throws the first pitch out. At every game.

I would like to see a television series based around that possible future. Where Cousin Larry gets to live in Balki's mansion, but in a smaller room than Balki's stuffed sheep Dmitri. That sort of thing.

2. Pick a show that could not realistically be brought back for a reunion, because some or all of the cast members are gone. What if they could have done a reunion before it was too late? Name the show you'd most like to see.

What, like Ozzie and Harriet? Isn't Dave the only one who's still alive? So a reunion show would just be him sitting around the house, moping about how much he misses Ozzie, and Harriet, and his brother Rick.

3. Which reunion show have you watched and thought "Wow, they should have left that one alone!"

I've never thought that. Not once. I think all shows should have reunion shows. And that there should be a night on broadcast television set aside specifically for reunion shows.

And perhaps a cable channel, which shows only reunion shows.

After several years, you could have reunion shows where the casts of the reunion shows get together and reminisce about the reunion.

~Bonus~ Which do you prefer- a "reunion" episode of the series, or a "cast reunion" where the actors sit around and talk about the making of the show?

I prefer a reunion where they get together and play a game. Perhaps even Win, Lose or Draw, starring Burt Convey.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Jake's Back

Jake's Back

Got an e-mail from Jake, who had a computer die on him, so he wasn't able to blog. But he's up and running today.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (starring The Regis) is coming back for sweeps. It's Super-Millionaire, so you can win $10 million, instead of just your average run of the mill million.

Here's the ABC page, with the phone number you can call to play the game to qualify to play.

Yep. After that whole Spider-Man on the Bases nonsense, I needed something to obsess about.

Today's funny

Today's Funny

As you all know, Cubs outfielder Moises Alou (along with Jorge Posada) have stated recently that their secret to batting without gloves is to toughen the hands and prevent calluses by peeing on their hands.

A co-worker confirmed last night that peeing on your hands does toughen them up.

"Yeah, it works," he said with an air of haughty contempt at my even having asked the question.

"Who told you that it works?" I asked.

"Nobody told me," he said, finishing his statement before popping the last of his sandwich into his mouth. "I've been peeing on my hands all my life. It's because I have large hands and a very small penis."

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Guess I'd Better Start Wiping My Butt After I Crap

Guess I'd Better Start Wiping My Butt After I Crap

Blogger's updated a little. Let's see how this shizzle doggy fizzle banana whizzle works.

This Kid went to wipe after going to the toilet, and found a 100 dollar bill folded up in the roll.

Talk about your added incentives. You mean I get a clean, mainly itch-free, feces-free fanny, plus I get $100!?!?!?!???!!!

[The school principal] also said he was impressed with 10-year-old Cody's integrity after the boy took the $100 directly to his teacher.

"I didn't think it was right to keep it," Cody said.
Good for Cody. It's nice to see some honesty in America's youth. Once upon a time, I was in the video arcade, playing the Star Wars Trilogy game. A kid was watching me play, over my shoulder. Now, I'm in the last stage of the game, where you're in the X-Wing getting ready to destroy the Death Star for the second time. I'm at the point where you're shooting at the TIE-Bombers, when out of the corner of my eye, I see the kid look down, reach over with his foot and nudge something.

All of a sudden, the screen goes blank, and the game resets itself. The kid had nudged the power cord. Just enough to unplug the game.

The kid looks at me and says "I didn't do that."

Actually, he may have said "Did I do that?" or even "I'm sorry," but I was too busy crying. To that point, I'd never beaten the game on one quarter, and I was getting close to doing it then.

(Since then, I have accomplished my task. My soccer goal-style celebration victory dance is part of why I'm not allowed in the arcade at the mall.)

I'm rambling. Now me? If I find $100 in my White Cloud? I'm not telling anybody. I figure that's money God wants me to have. Here you go, son. I'm proud of you for keeping your rear end clean. Go buy you some DVDs.

Yessir. My Daddy had a talk with me when I was little. Underwear ain't free, he said.

Now, if I'm at work, and I find $100 in the toilet paper, I know it's planted. Because those cheap so's and so's use that John Wayne toilet paper. You know, rough and tough and won't take shit off anybody? Our toilet paper's so cheap, there are still pieces of wood pulp in the rolls. It's not even one ply. It's like, a quarter-ply. You use half the roll to make sure of a safety barrier, if you know what I mean.

And rough. Whew. It beats pine cones, but only because it got a head start.

Interestingly enough, I was hearing about John Wayne toilet paper long before I even knew who John Wayne was. But when I did find out, what an interesting joke that became.

Link was on Fark.



As a person who's trying to sleep in the day, I gotta ask: What's with this 92 degrees in the first part of May? Let a feller acclimate himself to this whole concept of hotter than balls, okay?

Actually, It's not so bad. A Rube Goldbergian series of fans is set up to keep me cool while I sleep. Plus, it's got the added benefit of creating a sea of white noise with the whir of their many, many blades. So I'm usually out before my head hits the pillow.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day today. So, to my mom, I send the best wishes.

Dad's just on one crutch now after his knee surgery. He gets around alright. Make him mow the yard now.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

More on the Commish

More on the Commish

Glenn says:

Bud, you're not fooling anyone. You don't have baseball's interests at heart. You have the owners interest in heart. You don't give a two-bit-shit about the communities that baseball teams play in apart from the fact that you would like to fleece them.

And as far as this quote, "You're only as good as what your area can produce in revenue." Who the fuck are you talking to? You're talking to the A's who have a)the best GM in all of baseball, b)have made the playoffs four years in a row, c)have done so with a payroll in the bottom quarter of the league, and d)have been the foil to your bullshit theory that teams need Yankees-like revenue to survive. You know why teams like the Dodgers and Orioles who spend $100 million/yr. don't win shit? Because they're baseball people fucking suck! Bad management! It's not the money Bud!

The more I look at Bud's situation, the more I think of a hypnotist's show I saw, where the subject of the hypnotic suggestions couldn't see his girlfriend, even when she was standing literally a foot in front of his face.

But it works the other way for Bud. He can only see money (and not just money, but money that's going to come in right this very second) as the impetus for doing anything in the game, and absolutely nothing else, even if it's staring him right in the face.

Bud's not a man that can lead this game into the future. He's not a man who's willing to work with what he's got, and he's overextending his reach, trying to get nonsensical and impossible things pushed through, instead of grabbing what he can grasp, to work with what he's got. It's like he's looking for an excuse for when his administration comes up ultimately for the failure that it is.

The Bitchingest Website Ever

The Bitchingest Website Ever

This is my new favorite website.

If you're on a slower connection, minimize the window until you hear the music start up. Then open the window again, to see. It's much better that way.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Smoky Mountain Journal

Smoky Mountain Journal

Fletch is closing up shop over at a Smoky Mountain Journal.

He's taken work in Austin.

It's been one of my favorite blogs. I'm sorry to see it go. Go take a look at Fletch's photos and words.

Commissioner Selig

Commissioner Selig

Bud Selig says:

I'm a traditionalist. The problem in sports marketing, particularly in baseball, is you're always walking a very sensitive line. Nobody loves tradition and history as much as I do.

Bill McCabe responds in much the same way I did when I read Selig's quote last night:

Selig's "traditionalist" credentials include interleague play, expanded playoffs, playoff games on the East Coast starting at 8:30 pm, different uniforms for every day of the week, opening day occurring in foreign nations besides Canada, presiding over the end of any semblance of competitive balance, the whoring of the sport to anyone with enough cash, and finally, tie games in the All Star Game.

I resented the shit out Bud's statement. It's like Bud believes he can fart in my face and call it roses, and if he does it enough and tells me what he wants it to be enough, it'll actually become true

My issue with the whole Spider-Man thing was not advertising, per se. I understand the desire for revenue. What I resented was the idea that a Spider-Man movie promotion was going to bring more kids to baseball game than the actual baseball game.

Instead of resorting to little tricks like this, Bud, why not do little things like actually making the game accessible to kids?

Joe Biddle, of the Tennessean, had this to say about :

How about starting playoff and World Series games before 9 p.m. on the heavily populated East Coast? Kids today don't know what it means to beg a teacher on their knees, to produce fake tears, just so the nice teacher will allow the class to listen to a World Series game. Day games went out with the dinosaurs.

It has become strictly a prime time event, created with the idea of gaining the most bang for the buck. Adults east of the Mississippi River struggle to stay awake to the end of the games.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

A few Not-So-Brief Thoughts

A Few Not-So-Brief Thoughts

Just a few thoughts going on in my head.

1.) John Kerry is ugly. I don't usually comment on other guys' appearances, but being moderately ghastly myself, I think I'm entitled. Pot...Kettle...Black.

I'm worried what would happen to the man's appearance once the stresses of the office hit him. The first George Bush looked like he aged 10 years during the Gulf War. Clinton aged well, but he was definitely whiter-headed and more tired-looking. Jimmy "Lust in his Heart" Carter came out much the same, even after one term.

Should he win the presidency, and should his administration be especially stressful, I'd put the over/under on Kerry's appearance deterioration somewhere between Emperor Palpatine and the CryptKeeper.

2.) I have not yet been to a Nashville Sounds game yet this season. I think I'm going to have to rectify this situation very soon. They had a day game yesterday. But I was otherwise occupied.

3.) Speaking of baseball, if Bud Selig does not have enough faith in his game to think it's appealing to children without having to put ads for Spider-Man 2 on the bases, then why should I have any faith in the game?

I want to knock Bud Selig on his ass. The best thing that could happen to baseball would be for Bud to die suddenly, thus getting the asshole out of office and prompting (one would hope) the installation a real commissioner, with no ties to either ownership or playing.

I'm sending my resume in today, just to keep my name on file.

4.) Diet Dr. Pepper will spew if you even look at it funny.

5.) David Cross has a new album out: It's Not Funny.

6. My dish soap is kind of gloopy. I think it might be because I left the top open for about a week. Still, I've never had that happen before. It's a little gross.

7. I'm not going gaga over the last episode of Friends. I watched the first couple of seasons, back in the day. And I've watched re-runs (which used to come on right after Simpsons re-runs). But it's not a show meant necessarily for me.

It's got it's funny moments. The whole thing where Joey misunderstands the word "omnipotent" in one episode is a great exchange.

But there are too many reaction shots in Friends. Chandler will say something glib to Monica, and you'll get two quick shots as the laughtrack rolls of Joey and Phoebe (or Rachel or Ross) laughing at what Chandler's just said. Same goes for any smart assery that goes on. But there are also group reaction shots any time Phoebe says something off the wall, Joey says something really dumb or Monica gets a little too anal about something.

It's like they're wanting you as the viewer to be part of the group. And that got a little old after a while. I prefer to live vicariously through real life people. Also through blogs and, occasionally, professional wrestling.

8. I hate the Powerball Lottery song in the spot they're playing on the radio here in Tennessee. It's just a guy singing (badly) about the lottery and a couple of chords being played on a piano in a slow, singalong pace. It gets into my head a little too easily. It's insidious.

We just got lotteries here in the buckle of the bible belt a few months ago. When I voted for them, I didn't consider how irritating the advertising for such a thing would be. Had I known, I might have voted differently.

9.) Now, Tommy sleeps.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

It's Talk in Third Person Wednesday!!!!

It's Talk in Third Person Wednesday!!!!

Your old pal Tommy's tireder than shit.

But he's committed himself to helping somebody move this morning (and probably one of the next two days, as well). There are many roles Tommy plays in his life, and today he's playing the role of the guy who's pretty good at lifting heavy stuff, and also the role of the guy who's got a truck.

Tommy thought he'd ended all this Tommy Help Move nonsense when he managed to lose a drawer to a friend's dresser on Northfield Blvd, here in Sunny Murfreesboro. Splinters of wood and cheap metal handles all over the street.

Not a lot of posting the next couple of days, maybe. Tommy invites you today to read this article from the Boston Globe about comedian Lewis Black. (Tommy was a little surprised to learn that Mr. Black is 55 years old...if asked, Tommy would have guessed he was a decade younger or so).

Tommy got the link from Mark Evanier's site. If looking for something different to read next time you're at the bookstore, Tommy recommends picking up any of the fine Groo trade paperbacks, put together by Sergio Aragones with Mark Evanier his own self as wordsmith.

(Boy, for not posting much, he sure writes a miserable amount of crap, don't Tommy?)