Saturday, August 30, 2003

$11 for the Head of Shawn Estes

Shawn Estes (vs. Brewers) by the numbers.

2 Innings Pitched.
12 Batters Faced
47 pitches (27 strikes, 20 balls)
4 Hits
5 Runs (all Earned)
2 Strikeouts
2 Bases on Balls
1 homer allowed

Today's ERA: 22.50

I pray to the Allfather Arthur Fonzarelli:

I will smite whomever you ask me to smite, if only that you get the Chicago Cubs to release Shawn Estes.

Braves and Pirates

The Braves and the Pirates are playing on Fox this afternoon. I'd rather have watched the Red Sox/Yankees game, since that game will actually matter.

The Pirates management gave up in June. Since then, they've traded a third of their starting lineup to the Cubs. If I were a Pirates fan, I'd be calling for Kevin McClatchy's head. The Fox Announcers are trying to sell the Pirates as still contending for the Central, as they're 7 games back. Keep in mind that their position is more the result of the inability of any of the top three teams in the Central to grab the bull by the horns.

It would serve them all right, though, to have the Pirates get on a hot streak and take the Central.

Still, I kind of like watching the Pirates. Nashville's Sounds are the Pirates AAA team. So a few guys from that club over the past few years are playing. Today, Tike Redman is leading off...he just hit a triple. Tike rhymes with Mike, by the way. A couple of announcers insist on calling him Tee-Kee for some reason.

Craig Wilson's playing first. I saw him hit three monster home runs in one game a couple of years back at relatively beautiful Greer Stadium, and he just missed hitting a fourth in his fourth and fifth at bats, taking it to the warning track both times for outs, including a ball that was crushed foul in that fifth at bat, in the bottom of the eighth...missing the left field foul pole by about five feet.

My personal favorite Sound was Emil Brown. He played right field for a couple of years in Nashville. He was a decent but not great hitter for both average and power. He had a cannon for an arm. But he couldn't actually "catch" the ball. And he was a little injury prone, if I remember.

When Emil came to the plate, you had to yell "Eeee-Mil!"

Actually, Steven, Diane and I were the only ones who did that.

Once, when Steven and I were sitting out in right field, and Emil misplayed a grounder up the line. As he went to chase it, he said: Oh. and then: Shit.

Last I heard Emil had played with the Angels organization, and he may be playing overseas. Maybe not Japan, but perhaps Korea....
The Insomnia Post

Yeah, it's like 3:15 Eastern. Can't sleep. Got up, fixed a little something in the Matrix Rant. Drank a glass of water. Talked to Sally (the dog) about why she's such a good dog. Surfed through all six channels my parents get. Clipped my fingernails.

You know the post about three or four posts down about American Gladiators? I really do wish I had a tennis ball cannon. Siren was my favorite of the gladiators. Most of the women on that show are more of a man than I'll ever be, but Siren was different.

One of the dogs brought in a hickory nut to chew on. And every now and then, you'll find a shard of hickory nut with the sole of your foot. I ain't found them all yet.

The bad part about being awake this late is that I'm going to have to get up to let Maximus (the pug) out to go potty in the morning. In about five or six hours.

It's weird how sound carries on one of these humid nights. The train tracks are three or four miles from my parents' house, but the train sounds like it's right there next to me. That, or I'm about to get run down by a tornado.

Well. Let's go try the sleep thing again.
the Matrix Rant

I know, this isn't at all timely. But the PBS station at my parents' house was showing an old Charlie Rose from around the time the Matrix sequel was coming out.

There's not much that bugs me more than Carrie Anne Moss and Laurence Fishburne expounding upon the philosophic virtues of the Matrix series of movies...about how it's such a great transcendental commentary about our human people will be studying the movie for years to come because of its philosophic ground that it every line from the movies has been carefully crafted around this pseudo-philosophy.


Yeah, this Matrix mumbo jumbo is what happens when a moderately good action flick starts believing that it's smart, gets caught up in its story and tripping on its own mythology.

It's just another movie for the outcasts, I guess.

Just because Joe Sixpack can't watch the movie without going "What the hell was going on?" doesn't mean that the movie geeks should latch onto the movies as the basis of a philosophy.

I was in my local video store a few weeks ago, about the time that the second Matrix movie was coming out. A little stoner punk was renting the first Matrix, so he "could catch up."

"There was some heavy shit in that movie," the guy said. "That shit could be happening right now. We could all be part of some computer."

"Yeah," the guy behind the counter said. "The Matrix could be happening. And so could Howard the Duck."

"What's Howard the Duck?"

I don't know what reprinting that conversation has to do with my point, except that you shouldn't be allowed to comment on the philosophic nature of the cinema unless you've seen Howard the Duck. As well as the Seventh Seal, a few Kurosawa Samurai Movies, the Breakfast Club, CQ, They Live, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Bambi, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Soylent Green, The Planet of the Apes and The Warriors.

Or better yet, go read a few books. Start with Jostein Gaardner and work your way out.

See, I have nothing against The Matrix per se. It's a pretty convoluted and hammily acted kung fu/shootemup adventure. Hugo Weaving is the best part of the movie, and picking Keanu Reeves to be the neophyte who is confused by his surroundings is a natural.

And I can appreciate where people would want to pull out the meaning of people being stuck in a machine message from the movie, and wanting people to realize that they're stuck in the machine. I've felt like that myself. But that message is dime store, and it's flawed: Because if we're to look at it the way the Matrix look sat it....only a pre-destined few are meant to rise above and fight for us, and then the only way the average joe can rise above that is if The Messiah (The One) pulls us out of it.

And then it's become nothing more than a hackneyed morality play to me.

I haven't seen the second one, and I'm not excited about the third. I felt like the Messiah story (where Neo is the One) was pretty much played out in the first movie.

But mostly I don't like stoner punks trying to tell me what a great and philosophic SF movie the Matrix is. For my money, I like the whole God in the Machine who can Lay the Smack Down message you get from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Or perhaps the Light Side/Dark Side of the Force representing the dual nature of man from George's original movies (not this mess he's put out lately).

And it could also be the fact that my feet are firmly planted on Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment being the beginning and the end of all cinematic philosophic discussion.

But the polite thing would be not to point that out.

Tonight's the 10th anniversery show of Dave being on CBS. I'm sure they'll do a anniversery special around sweeps. But tonight is 10 years. Actually, tomorrow will be 10 years. But Dave doesn't do shows on Saturday.

I used to be HUGE into Letterman. I'd watch it every night. I even had a letter read on the air in the CBS Mailbag segment way back in 1996.

My favorite stuff is Rupert Gee donning the shorts and the headphones, and messing with people.

I can't decide if my favorite special guest of the moment was Dick Assman or if it was Sirajul and Mujibur.

And I liked very much when he was referring to Paul as "Johnny Carwash."

My old roommate Jeff was also HUGE into Letterman.

I've watched only sporadically over the past couple of years. Partly because I was having to get up early. Partly because Dave seemed to lose a little bit of his bite around September 11 and his heart troubles. Maybe it's my perception. He just got more topical and less silly.

But I'm digging what I'm seeing tonight, calling the mail-girl "Monty."

I'm sleepier than I should be.

Friday, August 29, 2003

The Top 500

Every year, Pro Wrestling Illustrated puts out its list of the top 500 competing wrestlers. Now, P.W.I. has, for the longest time, gone along with the wrestling storylines and whatnot, making believe that the whole game's real. But over the last couple of years, they've been straddling the line, commenting a lot more on booking and actual athletic performance.

I know this because I stop to look at it every now and then when I'm at the grocery store.

But generally, I don't pay any more attention than that.

Except in September, when they release their Top 500. Which, like the magazine, has shifted somewhat in focus from the bigger names to the top performers. For example, you still have Brock Lesnar and Triple H at the top, but you also have quality performers like Booker T and The Big Show, who maybe haven't held a lot of titles and been at the top of many show cards, but still have managed to be consistently good in their matches.

Well, P.W.I. has just released its list. A copy can be found here, at Steve's Wrestling.

I've been attending the Nashville based NWA-TNA for about fifteen months, now. A little less faithfully lately, due to my lack of extra spending money. But I've seen about 90 to 95 percent of everything they've done. I'm a booster. What they're doing is head and shoulders higher than anything Vince McMahon and the WWE has been doing. Mainly because the performers care.

Just a quick rundown of some of the names from NWA-TNA that have made it onto the Top 500:

11. A.J. Styles (Current N.W.A. World Champ)
15. Jeff Jarrett
20. "the Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels
22. Raven
26. Low-Ki
29. Jerry "Jelly" Lynn (He's just the Man)
42. "the Amazing" Red
45. Paul London (who sadly, just joined the WWF)
48. Ron "the Truth" Killings
71. Kid Kash (who hails from Johnson City, in the TN)
73. "Wildcat" Chris Harris
77. "Cowboy" James Storm
81. Brian Lawler
87. Steve Corino
92. Glenn Gilbertti.
95. "the Ace in the Hole" Sonny Siaki
107. Shark Boy
108. "Prime Time" Elix Skipper
111. "the Killdozer" Brian Lee
114. Konnan
117. Slash
124. Crash Holly, who recently joined as "Mad Mikey"
129. Johnny Storm
131. Frankie Kazarian
135. Sabu
144. Don "I'm Happy" Harris
146. Chris "Hail" Sabin
148. Ron "I'm Fat" Harris
149. Joel Maximo
151. B.G. James
152. David "the Messiah of the Spinebuster" Young
158. Joel Maximo
163. the Sandman
166. "the Franchise" Shane Douglas
170. Malice
171. C.M. Punk
178. Michael Shane
179. Mike Sanders
184. Matt "Unibrow" Stryker
189. Julio "Julio! Julio! Julio!" Dinero
213. Justin Credible
223. Simon Diamond
227. New Jack
233. Tenacious Z (who competes in the WWF as Zack Gowan)
246. Jason Cross
273. Iceberg (who recently competed as Edward Chastain)
334. Kevin Northcutt

Disappointments: I was a little disappointed not to find Chris Vaughn or Ric Santel, or maybe even Rex Sexton, Delirious or Matt Sydell on the list. The 500 is a little too heavily populated with your former big names who have fallen out of the spotlight (King Kong Bundy, Buzz Sawyer). It doesn't focus enough on the younger guys who have been doing extra good work in some of the smaller feds, and who may be on their way up.
Things I Resent

I'm watching re-run of American Gladiators on Spike TV, where Dan "Nitro" Clark has introduced a new word to my vocabulary: in "How do you equivalate this to your experience mountain climbing?"

But I resent the implication made by that commercial where the guy says "for 80 cents a day you can feed this child." For one, he's patronizing me. "I know you've been busy....I know you have a lot to do."

But here's the biggie: He asks why I can't send money, saying: "I know you're not doing anything right now."

Screw you, announcer guy! I really resent that. How can you judge me based on the fact that I'm watching a 10 year old re-run of American Gladiators? What if I am doing something important? What if I'm a brain surgeon who listens to American Gladiators in the operating room? What if I'm working Missle Defense for NORAD, and I've got American Gladiators on one of my screens? Huh? I'll damn bet you that George W. Bush is watching American Gladiators down in Crawford, Texas RIGHT NOW, and he was almost elected President!

And now, a listing of my favorite American Gladiators events, in no particular order:

Breakthrough and Conquer
Assault (I want a tennis ball cannon)

And you can't go wrong with the version of the Eliminator where you have to bust through the paper wall, and then have to push your way past one of the Gladiators.
Chris Rock and the Video Music Awards

I didn't watch much of the Video Music Awards on MTV last night. Partly because MTV stopped being for me roughly the same time Beavis and Butthead went off the air. But mostly because the Cubs and the Titans were both playing on TV, so I read and flipped back and forth between those two games.

But I did see a little bit of Chris Rock's monologue, and I had to laugh at this line, concerning the judges on American Idol:

"Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeves judging a dancing contest....

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Tonight, step by step.

1.) Listen to some music (some Johnny Cash, some of the Ramones, and "Video Killed the Radio Star" from the Buggles) on an old pair of headphones. Headphones that are so old the thin rubber lining around the earphone is peeling off.

2.) Then, take off the headphones, and do something else (watch the Cubs lose on TV) for about a half hour.

3.) Then, casually reach up to adjust your glasses. Afterward, scratch behind your ear, and when you pull your finger back, recoil in horror at having brought back a half-inch square of black, skin-textured material.

4.) Let your mind reel in abject terror as you wonder what you've just pulled off your head.

5.) Just barely stifle a scream as you realize that it is indeed just material from the headphones.

6.) Go to bathroom, checking the freshness of the undies.

7.) Contemplate buying new headphones when we start the new job (assuming everything goes as well as it already has in the interview process). I realized a few minutes ago that I may be stuck in the background check process. At the former employer, this took a few days when we did them. I don't know if the prospective employer's checks can go any faster, though I kind of doubt it.
I find things so you don't have to

The Price is Right Sound Emporium is here.
The Lunchtime Post!

Not a whole lot going on. Trying to keep the phone free, as I'm waiting for a couple of phone calls. I'm heading East this weekend. Where they're ahead of our time.
This is the Batman Post

Dude, if you have a chance to see the short fan film Batman: Dead it. It made its initial appearances back in June and July, and made its official debut at Comic Con International in San Diego in August.

Note to Joel Schumacher, and even Tim Burton.....This 10 minutes captures the Batman I've been reading in the comic books for 20 years better than any of your four films ever did.

Like I said, it's a nine to ten minute short film. I believe it was shot in Texas, but it's not important, and I may not be right.

The plot concerns Batman chasing down a Joker (who is closer in tone to the comics' Joker, as well, though I'm not ready to declare this Joker better than Jack in the 1989 film), and in the process, Batman meets up with a couple of standards of the Science Fiction genre. Batman's met both in the pages of his comic, and the two SF creatures have fought each other on the pages of Dark Horse Comics in several different mini-series.

I'm talking about the Predator, from that series of movies, and the Aliens from that series of movies.

It may sound a little hokey, but I ask you to take a look at the thing first. It works, and in doing so, it kicks everything's ass.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

The Cubbies and the Cards

Mark Prior and the Chicago Cubs won tonight. I didn't get to see the game, because White Sox were on WGN and I live a few hundred miles outside of Chicago.

Our Fox Sports channel was showing.....I haven't a clue what they were showing. Tweren't baseball, so I weren't near it. The Fox Sports Net affiliate we have on Nashville Cable seems to show nothing but The Best Damn Sports Show, hunting shows and that "You Gotta See This" show in an endless loop. And the occasional Braves game.

However, I did enjoy seeing the White Sox beat the hell out of the Evil Empire over on WGN.

But the Cubs did win. I know this because I followed the game on the internet. They have that on computers, now.

I also noticed that the Brewers have won like 8 in a row.

And the Cubbies play the "Brew Crew" this weekend. And I'm not particularly delighted with the possibility of playing a HOT Brewers team. Because they suck but they tend to beat the shit out of the Cubs at every opportunity. I especially don't want to play them since they have their hot bats. And we can't count on Randall Simon every night.

And is it just me, or do we play the Brewers something like 40 times in a season? That's why there's a rivalry. You can't sling a dead cat without hitting a Brewers/Cubs series.
Joke of the Day

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
President/Movie/TV Question

Maybe somebody can help me with this. I know that when I hear the answer, I might kick myself. I feel like I should know this.

Does anybody who's reading this know this movie or Television Show:

The President of the U.S. is a character. And it's kind of a running joke in the movie that he's trying to find something the White House Kitchen can't make for him. And at different times in the movie (or show), he'll order something exotic or with ingredients difficult to manage. And they always have what he asks for. But at some point in the movie, he orders something simply, like a sandwich, and they can't make it for some simple reason, like they're out of bread.

It's been driving me a little crazy.

Can anybody help?
Too Much Free Time

Just looking at the Bottom 100 list from the Internet Movie Database, I realized that I've seen somewhere between 55 and 60 of the 100 worst voted movies.

But oddly enough, I've seen only one of the top ten (or bottom ten, depending on how you look at it), Santa With Muscles.

And looking at the list, I don't know that this list is a good tool, as it seems to measure backlash more than anything.

See, I've never seen Gigli, though I kind of want to see if it is as magnificently bad as everyone says.

But I havea hard time believing it's as bad as Battlefield Earth. I have a hard time believing anything's that bad.
To make me feel dumb

This guy solved the Rubik's Cube in 20.2 seconds. Why don't we have this guy working on the Ozone layer or figuring out the logistics of solving world hunger?

With a time of 20 seconds, he's got me beat by roughly 2 minutes (and 17 days, 4 months and 3 years). And counting.

I used to work with a charitable organization who helped those with disabilities. We had one feller, whom I'll call Greg, who had suffered a head injury, and had lost his ability to read and had severe memory problems. One day, I had left a Rubik's Cube, completely scrambled, on my desk. He walked by my desk on his break, he picked it up, and stared at it for a good two minutes. I turned away for not more than 3 minutes, and when I came back to the desk, he was just twisting the last piece into position.

When he finished, and I kid you not, he held it up to me and asked: "What is this? This is fun!"

I also watched him once completely annihilate my friend Ed in chess one morning. In the second game they'd played...some 30 minutes after Ed had taught him how to play.

I got really close on a Rubik's Cube, once. There are 26 cubes to be in place, and I had 23 of them in place. The other three were on one side, and for whatever reason, I couldn't get those three to fold into place just right. I set it aside one morning to say, "I'll get it later."

And then it got all mixed up. By somebody else.


I don't even know where my Rubik's Cube is right now.

Monday, August 25, 2003

Looking to 2004

I know we're actually contending, but as a Cubs fan, I've been conditioned to constantly be looking forward to next year....and beyond.

Cubs Pundit talks of Japan and Leadoff hitters.

Likewise, over on Uncouth Sloth, the future value of Kerry Wood has been discussed.

And Dan discusses my personal favorite Korean big leaguer, Big Choi (who still has a big part to play in the Cubs' future, and my personal least favorite six-fingered relief pitcher, Prof. Alfonseca.
Big Stupid Animals

Just an update. If you do a google search on big stupid Animals? I'm the third entry that comes up.

Hell yes.

Today's been a mixed bag kind of day, so far. I'm going in tomorrow for yet another job interview. I think I did well on my phone interview today, and tomorrow is the next step. We'll see where this ends up. I'm feeling pretty good about this. It's a good paying gig, too.

I'm watching Kurosawa's Hidden Fortress. I like Kurosawa's sense of the epic, but in the face of that, I like how he focuses facially on his characters.

Of course, having Toshiro Mifune, who is one of the most facially expressive actors ever, can't hurt.

And all I'll say about the downside is: I love...absolutely am elated at being related to a person with whom I would never otherwise associate. Especially one who so much gets his kicks by making other people feel bad. He's a man steeped in irony, now that I think about it.
More Unconscious Mutterings

I say … and you think … ?

Bay:: Tampa
Boarding school::Hogwarts
Riddle:: and Wallace (a drug store in Athens, TN)
Hunger:: Unicron (Badass Transformer)
Allergy:: Ragweed
Sponsored:: Brought to you by...
Spin:: the big wheel
Interest:: Accrued
Scrabble:: I'm the champion
Mold:: Bread
When it All Goes Down....

A wonderful list of things to have handy on the road to Armageddon can be found at Say Uncle's site.

I would also recommend the Kool-Aid that has already been pre-sweetened with Nutrasweet. Because that stuff lasts forever.

A few authors I would also recommend at the Apocalypse: James Thurber, Terry Pratchett, Joe Bob Briggs, Christopher Moore, Joe Lansdale, Jane Smiley and even Harlan Ellison. Say Uncle also supplied Douglas Adams, and that's hitting the nail right on the head. Joe Klein and Al Franken might also be good, but since it's likely that it's the politicos that would bring us to the brink, we might not want to be reminded.

Also: Rowdy Roddy Piper's autobiography, the complete line of Star Wars books from Bantam and Del Rey, and John Kennedy Toole's Confederacy of Dunces.
Quizilla is a Dangerous Thing

Good day, Mrs. Sofia Patrillo. Lucky you, you have
infinite power over others with your cut-like-
a-knife wit, even above your daughter
Dorothy's. Go make someone cry. Just watch out
for Shady Pines

Which Golden Girl Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
The Pairings Are Up

1. The Scene in Blazing Saddles when Mongo rides into town on his bull.
16. Sam's Choice Diet Cola

8. The new neighbor (she's from France)
9. Her roommate (she's from Japan)

5. Grand Theft Auto III
12. An old Rotary Telephone

4. 1831
13. Ernie singing "Rubber Ducky"

3. William Faulkner's The Unvanquished
14. The Filthy Hippy Speaks.

6. Back Hair
11. The University of Delaware

7. A Cheeseburger that is Actually an Android!
10. "I stubbed my little toe," he sobbed.

2. Ordering Pizza for Supper, and then eating the leftover for breakfast
15. A Cement Mixer filled with Gin.

The Groundrules

1. The Competition will start promptly at 9 AM on Tuesday the 2nd, behind the K-Mart on Broad Street.

1a. In the event of damnations, tournament will be held in the BOB.

2. No betting on the tournament floor.

3. Scoring will be based on the Watercress Standard, with variations allowed for beer-league softball and the number 11.

4. And due to unpleasantness in July's competition, all judgments in scoring will now be rendered by a three-man staff (Gordon Shumway, the late Jim Varney and a third party to be elected the morning of the proceedings).

Sunday, August 24, 2003

The Daily News Journal

It was a slow news day in Murfreesboro.

The headline on the Sunday edition of the Daily News Journal reads:

City bans B.O. on the Job: Offensive body odors out in handbook change

The lead paragraph:

Murfreesboro served notice Thursday it expects city employees to show up for work and not smell bad.

Hard nosed journalism, gentlemen. Such is life in a quiet town, I guess. We've got troops dying in the mid-east. We've got the craziest election in years going on in California. A pedophile murdered in prison; people running everywhere in Liberia. And what's more...we have football season opening ridiculously soon!

It's nice to know that Murfreesboro's biggest problem is city workers who don't know how to wash. (Or wear proper amounts of cologne and/or perfume)

As an aside...I would have linked to the DNJ site for the story...but to read stories you apparently have to being a paying subscriber.
A Tony Womack Thought

Yeah. Tony Womack is going to drive me to drinking. He's done alright getting on base so far, but that stutter step at third in the third inning of the D-backs game.....something in my brain went POP!
The Posters

Sunday afternoons are a little boring.

I collect movie posters, I guess. I say "I guess" because it was never really a conscious decision to start collecting movie posters. But over time, I've picked up a few. And recently, a movie rental place has started selling its extra promo posters for 50 cents each.

I've changed out recently a lot of what I had.

Here now, the movie posters I have up:

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
The Blair Witch Project
Return of the Jedi
The Ring
Gangs of New York
Gods and Generals
O Brother Where Art Thou?
Spirited Away
Transformers: the Movie

And they aren't movies, but I have posters for:

Stephen King's the Stand
The Simpsons
The Sopranos
The Tick

Yep. I should also note that the Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs posters were left by a former roommate when he moved out.

Thank you for your time and patronage. We thank you for your support. Vote Coleman.

Saturday, August 23, 2003


Is there any irony to a college football game being called the "Literacy Classic?"

I didn't think so, either.
$8 for the Head of Shawn Estes

Dear Superman:

I'm not much of a praying man.

But if you would get the Cubs to release Shawn Estes, I would be ever so grateful. I wouldn't even ask for anything this Christmas, except for the third season of the Simpsons on DVD. The Diamondbacks (D'backs) are leading right now, 10-1. This is unacceptable.

If you bring me the Third Season of the Simpsons, I would accept Estes being moved to long relief, if Juan Cruz is moved promptly into the rotation.

Also, Superman. Could you do something about all these Depend Undergarment commercials? I'm tired of seeing them while I'm watching the news.

Thanks and much Love, Superman

Another Quiz...this one will count

you smell like butt
congratulations. you are the "you smell like
butt" bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, August 22, 2003

While the Power was Out

We had some thunderstorms blow through, and the power was out at Casa de Big Stupid Tommy for just short of two hours.

However, I had no idea that it would be out for only two hours. When it went out, I peed a circle of protection around myself, and set myself in the middle of that circle, crying and praying. I gotta spend tonight figuring a way to clean urine out of my roommate's clothes, mattress and computer before he gets back from work.

The roommate and I had flashlights. I lent one of my extras to the new neighbors across the way. We spent most of the hour before he had to go to work blinding each other with the flashlights, and performing science experiments. Bill wanted to know if the light bulb would glow if you shined a flashlight into it (it doesn't). And we were both a little curious if we would be able to gauge just how much cold air would be let out of the fridge for each second or so that the door was open (we decided that we would be unable to get an accurate measurement, so we didn't even try).

I told the dirty joke that I get on my dirty joke of the day e-mail (which comes only sporadically).

He made a stupid play on words concerning "shake" and "sheik," that I found ridiculously funny, but since the power's back on, I realize that it really wasn't all that funny.

I found the Busch Series race on the radio, and then Bill got bored and started flash-bombing me with the flash on his digital camera.

Something he brought up, and I'm likewise curious about: Say the power goes out, and you're able to power up your TV through alternate battery or generator. If you hook up to the cable, will you get cable signals?

We came up with the theory that if the cable company has power where they're sending the signal from, if the cable line hasn't been severed, then a signal would still transmit. Kind of like a phone line.

If there's anybody out there who can shed some light and help us out of our ignorant situation, please do so.
I had Beanie Weinies for Supper

Not much else to say. They were pretty good. Definitely the best bowl of beanie weinies I've had in several months. Also, the only bowl.
Friday Five

It's Friday, so that means "Weekly Shower" and "Friday Five."

1. When was the last time you laughed?

About a minute ago. Comedy Central was running a promo for this week's Man Show. I just caught it out of the corner of my eye. Joe Rogan going for a urinalysis--and I saw the doctor drinking Joe Rogan's urine sample.

2. Who was the last person you had an argument with?

I tend to have violent discussions within my inner monologues. Does that count?

3. Who was the last person you emailed?

Either my friend Julie or President Bush with my Weekly Complaint List.

4. When was the last time you bathed??

I resent this question.

5. What was the last thing you ate?

A banana.
Major League Baseball in Tennessee

This is all based on the graph David Hallstrom has put up a graph of 10 cities and their ability to host a Major League Baseball team. has the article which is a conversation starter, if nothing else. Here's the link.

I started looking at a couple of numbers. Nashville, when I added numbers up, ranked just behind Portland. Portland's got a slight edge on median income (40,416 to 39,797), but Nashville's got the edge in TV Households (226,000 to 223,200). They have equitable populations and surrounding metro populations. They have similar ranks on the list with number of companies on the Fortune 500 (though their's are more highly ranked, on average, and more recognizable). Nashville and its surrounding areas, though, has a serious edge in population growth.

I say all this only because Portland is being bandied about as the big contender for the Expos, if (notice I said if) the Expos relocate.

I'm biased. I wouldn't mind at all a Major League Baseball team in Nashville.

But guess what? This should have been obvious...I think Memphis would rank even higher than Nashville on the list.

I'm not going to bore you with many of the stats, yet. Mostly because I'm not that sure of my numbers. I'm going to have to sit down and do a little number crunching later on tonight. What I'm saying here is based on the few numbers I've jotted down on a couple of pieces of printer paper.

The numbers I used, which may not be the same Hallstrom used for his sources, can be found if you dig on the U.S. Government census site, the Fortune 500 page, the Wikipedia, and the Tennessean's census page.

And like I said, I need to do a lot of fact checking...and I'm not sure how you rank Baseball History among the cities in question, and where my cities would fall in. I just know that Memphis probably ranks higher on the Baseball History and Projected Attendance, and it definitely ranks higher in population and Fortune 500 companies.

The only thing hurting it is its relative proximity to St. Louis. Nashville is 5 hours away from St. Louis and Cincinnati, and 4 or so away from Atlanta, which would keep it from any territorial squabbles.

Mostly, I'm thinking out loud.

Am I the only one that remembers the brief two hours where the rumor flew hot on talk radio that the Twins owner Carl Pohlad had contacted Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams and Nashville City Planners about the possibility of making the then-to-be-constructed Coliseum might be made to be convertable from football to baseball....and for two hours, there was a glimmer of hope that Nashville could get a MLB team. But then the next day they talked to a representative from the Twins, who said it was all bullcrap.

Keep in mind, too, that I understand baseball is the red headed stepchild in this football crazed state. The Sounds, the Pirates Triple-A affiliate play in a poorly-constructed, dilapidated after just 25 years, middle of nowhere stadium. And this year Nashville will have its highest attendance level in 10 years....and those numbers are still half of what the Redbirds get in Memphis. I think Memphis would just be a better baseball town than Nashville.

But then...I didn't think Nashville would be able to support a pro football team, and definitely not an NHL team. Nashville's a football town, so the Titans shouldn't have been a surprise. And even though the Preds have been pretty crappy the past couple of years, they've managed to keep a steady fanbase. It's tough to get a weekend ticket, and if the Avalanche, Redwings or Devils come into town, forget about it any day of the week.

So maybe that vaunted Tennessee Sports Council oughta look into this pro baseball thing. There's no way we could get the Expos....but if Tampa Bay and Florida don't start pulling better crowds, they may be looking for new homes before long, too.

Mostly I'm daydreaming.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Too Much Media/Too Much Information

You know, as sorry as I am for Billy Connolly, and you can read about his anguish in this story here, I have to say that maybe we need to curtail the media just a bit. I mean, if all we have to cover this day is a comedian getting his franks and beans caught in his zipper while flying....isn't there a hole in the ozone or something important we could be fixing?

And I'll kindly ask you not to point out that I'm the one that saw the story, chose to read it, and am now passing the savings on to you.

We all already know that I'm part of the problem....

However, all of this reminds me of a few years ago. I was riding along with one of our truck drivers, helping him out because we were backlogged in the warehouses. This particular truck driver had just one arm. One complete arm, I should say. He was missing his right arm below the elbow. He was heavily featured in an ad campaign for our little not-for-profit organization who helps those with disadvantages.

Anyway, we stop for lunch at Taco Bell. And it was tasty.

He finishes his lunch, and goes to the rest room.

I get up and go out to the truck to wait on him.

I realize after a while that he's been in there a long time, and I've just gotten down out of the truck to see if he's alright, when he storms out of the Taco Bell.

Now, this guy could cuss. It's like Darren McGavin in A Christmas Story: This guy was an artist. And to borrow a phrase from that fine movie, David wove a tapestry of profanity that is still hanging over Middle Tennessee to this day.

And he's cussing everybody, including me.

"Where were you?" he demanded.

"Right here," I said.

And he cussed some more, and we drove for a while, and he didn't say anything for a long time. We were all the way to Nashville and he said: "I needed your help in there."

"Why?" I asked, not being used to having to help grown men in the bathroom.

"I caught myself in my zipper," he said.

The problem, he explained, was that he had just the one arm. And he couldn't get any purchase when he was trying to unzip himself from from his zipper. He would try to pull the zipper down, and it would just pull everything....zipper, fabric and his junk...down with it. And since he was using his one hand to pull on the zipper, he didn't have another to hold the fabric of his coveralls in place, so that he could pull the teeth away from the injury.

He had just about resolved himself to sticking his head out of the door, when he gave one last valiant tug, and everything came free.

And do you want the honest truth? I didn't think it was at all funny. I didn't even have an inkling of an idea to laugh.

Until he said:

"I was almost crying in there," he said. This from a man who hadn't cried since he'd returned from Vietnam.

But I managed to stifle it.

But then he said: "I had to go get a band aid from the counter person. And the manager asked if I'd had an accident...and I didn't think to just say no. I just told her that I'd caught myself in my zipper...and she quickly handed the bandaid over."

And I lost it. There have only been five or six times in my life I've laughed so hard, and that was one of them. I literally laughed for 5 minutes...and after a couple, he started laughing too.

Maybe you had to be there.

However, I marvel at the dexterity it took to apply that bandaid.

We used to keep in touch, and a few months ago he told me he's read my site. I hope he reads this and gets back in touch. David was a cool dude.
Volunteer Tailgate Party

Manish over at Damn Foreigner is hosting the latest edition of the Volunteer Tailgate Party. Look at it here.

Also: I laughed pretty hard at this. Over at A Moveable Beast, they've renamed the dog.

I'll bet you didn't know I was 1999's free-style Moto-Cross World Champion.

This was just before I was King of France and just after I won my Grammy (Spoken Word Album: "Why I'm Scared of Bees").
My Achilles Heel

If I even have a weakness...and I'm not sure that I do...but if I did....that weakness would be leftover fried chicken out of the fridge.

It's like heroin.

Here's how it went:

I think I'll get a glass of water.

What's this behind the water pitcher and next to the ketchup?

Fried Chicken!?!?!? How'd this get here? Why isn't it in my belly?

Well....that's a situation we can quickly remedy, ain't it?

God that's good stuff.

Also: Can't we do something about all this humidity? My evening walk became an evening swim.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Ashcroft is Crazy

I think this is the story I've seen linked to most this morning. I saw it on SKBubba first.

I think John Ashcroft lost what little bit of his mind he had when he lost to the dead guy in the election. I mean, that must have pushed him over the edge in his belief that people are out to get him.

The man has balls. To believe yourself to be the moral compass of America, and to make your decisions based upon that belief. My favorite story so far of his administration came a few weeks ago, when he was all for setting up a series of checks on the judges to make sure they weren't giving too much leeway when interpreting laws.

I just know that his idea of liberty (which seems to be based on protecting possessions--note I said possessions and not people) and mine (which is based solely on my freedom to urinate outside) are two completely different animals.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

The End is Nigh

Ummm, sometime tonight, we're gonna have to initiate the end of the world.

Two reasons:

1. I've got poison ivy on both feet and lower legs. Don't ask me how it happened, though I think I'm gonna blame recent contact with small animals that enjoy rooting around in poison ivy. I'm not scratching. I will not scratch. However, we will end the world to make the itching stop.

2. Somebody hit on this blog when they were searching for Free nudes of Ariana Huffington. Society is too sick to survive.

However, that makes me smile because because maybe somebody's charging $9.95 a month for the Ariana Huffington paysite, and somebody else is too cheap to pay.

And now: a few thoughts as they hit me:

We've got the top two teams in the National League Central playing right now as I write, and ESPN is reshowing the 2002 World Series of Poker instead? What, couldn't anybody find the tapes from the most recent World's Strongest Man Competition?

Once upon a time, I and both roommates I had at the time sat captivated, completely mesmerized, by a competition being run out of Bristol, Tennessee and being shown on ESPN. It was a car rolling competition. Drivers would hit the passenger side wheels on a ramp, and they would get points for each quarter turn the car flipped. We watched for an hour and a half.

With no baseball (Little League WS doesn't count), I wrote a little. Meanwhile, Storm Stories was playing on the Weather Channel. I loves me some shows about tornados. They had a guy who couldn't get into his neighbors house when an F4 twister was coming his way because the door was locked. He stayed on the neighbors' porch, and ended up dazed and confused with a broken pelvis.

If it comes down to being inside during a twister or out in the open, I'm going to break the door down to get inside. I realize that it's impolite to break neighbors' doors down, but dammit my pelvis is among the most important bones on my body.

But first I'm going to be very sure that a tornado is coming. Because breaking a neighbor's door down and saying "I was running from the tornado" doesn't play well if no tornado actually shows up.

Yeah. Like I could break a door down.

I would punch John Salley in the belly if he patted my head in the condescending manner he just patted Fabiola da Silva's on Best Damn Sports Show.

No, not really. I'm full of sound and fury tonight, all of it signifying nothing. But that's all life, isn't it?

Daniel Baldwin is less qualified to talk about sports than Tom Arnold. I'd never have thought it possible.

Today's meals: Toast for breakfast. Tuna for lunch. Apple for a snack. Spaghetti for Supper.

The DVD Player is kaput, I think. The roommate let me borrow his Playstation 2 in order to watch the DVDs.

Am I the only person with the word "fugly" still in his vocabulary?

I would like some cookies. But I cannot eat the cookies. Cookies are tasty, but bad for me.
Night Game/Day Game

Just another quick thought on Tony Womack and Randall Simon: With the excess of Day games they're playing in Chicago, maybe it's not a bad idea to stock up. I remember reading a couple of articles about "spare team" concept. I don't remember how exactly it was referred to by name, but basically it's having a feasible amount of people sit out a night game before a day game, so that they can be fresh to start the day game 13 hours later.

I bring this up, because the more I thought about it, the less and less I was liking bringing Tony Womack in, because he didn't fit exactly. Mark Grudzielanek's coming back soon. We got Ramon Martinez.

I'll stand by my left handed bat comment....even though Womack's not been super good. I'll stand behind my comment win or tie.

And all other things being equal, I think it's still nice to have Tony Womack's speed on the bench.

Makes me wonder exactly there Goodwin fits into the equation when he gets back off the D.L.
Cubs Trades

The Cubs have traded a minor league pitcher to the Rockies for 2b/ss Tony Womack. Can't hurt, I guess. It'll be nice to have another left handed bat in the lineup, and he's got decent speed, too.

Speaking of left handed bats....I had mixed feelings about picking Randall Simon up over the weekend. Personally, I'm still partial to Hee Seop Choi. I'd like him to get as many at bats as possible. However, Simon's a lefty....and I guess if you're not going to give the bat to Big Choi, then Simon's a good guy to give it to....especially with the Cubbies playing the Brewers up in Milwaukee. Randall will keep us safe from the sausages.

I'm hoping Choi is like Corey, and will come around to big league batting.

I hate to sound optimistic, because the world revolves around me and my beliefs, and I may jinx the Cubs by sounding like they have a chance. But I think the Cubs are actually filling holes.

And this is related to nothing I've written above: One of my favorite Saturday Night Live commercials is for the Majestic Caribbean Cruises....all cruises now with 7'7" NBA Star Manute Bol.
This is what I dreamed of last night

"You can't buy that horse."

"Why not?"

"Because that horse has astigmatism."


"Its eyes don't work right. Everything's blurry to it."

"Can it see the road?"

"Yeah, but it can't tell good guys from bad guys."

"Sounds bad."

"Worst case of astigmatism I've ever seen in a horse."

"Can't you get it some glasses?"

"That's ridiculous. How would it tell the eye doctor if each lens made things better or worse?"

"Stomp its foot?"

"Naw. Yer just being silly."

"Well what good is it for?"

"Normally, we shoot horses with astigmatism half this bad."

"So why do you keep it?"

"We set it on top of papers we have around here, to keep them from blowing away."

Monday, August 18, 2003

Some more Unconscious Mutterings

Here's the link.

Only you:: Can Prevent Forest Fires
33:: 99
Foundation:: Asimov
Accidents:: New Pants
Hometown:: Athens
Natural:: Great Movie
Bombastic:: Shaggy
Bachelor:: Party
Far away:: Australia
Tony:: the Tiger

Once again, please direct all complaints, concern and comments to my parents and the sixth grade math teacher, who renamed me "Awful K'Nawful" when I rammed a four wheeler into the back of a pickup truck.
Tom Mabe

I've never been a huge fan of Tom Mabe's comedy, but I gotta admit that there's something terribly satisfying about hearing a few cuts off his latest album "Waking up the Telemarketers."

I especially enjoyed the bit where Tom Mabe calls a man who's attending the telemarketing convention, at 4 in the morning. He tells the sleepy man that the computer's crashed and they need to re-set his wake up call.

Immediately after hanging up, he calls the man back, asking if he could know what room he was in. And the man gets up to check!

Great stuff.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Dad's Birthday

Also, it's Dad's birthday today. Happy birthday to him. Got him the third season of MASH on DVD. Mom got him a new memory card for his digital camera. And he said he'd kill me if I attempted any birthday wedgies....

In a journal entry dated August 15, 1986, Little Stupid Tommy wrote:

Well, my summer is over. School has started. Mrs. Dodgen is my teacher. She's gonna be hard. I have Tregg, Lindsey, Lance and Sam R. and Sam G. in my class.


Looking back, fourth grade was kind of hard. We had to use paper shopping bags to cover all our books.

Lindsey and I were separated because he was a bad influence on me and vice-versa.

Margaret Lancaster and I took spelling out of a seventh grade spelling book. I didn't do well at first, but caught on once I figured out I'd need to study for the written tests, which weren't just spelling the word as they were called out.

Those of us who had taken the school trip to Colonial Williamsburg had to make cabins out of popsicle sticks and posterboard. The winning school was to get some sort of prize. I did something wrong in making mine. I used masking tape which was painted over on mine, and that was disallowed. So mine was disqualified, and I didn't get to get part of the prize (which was a pizza party, if I remember). And then, we got to go as a class to see the diorama they made out of all our cabins...whose is featured prominently in the display?

It kind of sucked, and I was bummed for quite a while. I think I got over it just last Tuesday.

We went to the McMinn County Living Heritage Museum for a field trip, and Sam R. and I were paired up, and he later said thank you, because he didn't think anybody would pair up with him. I liked Sam a lot, and was honestly surprised that he didn't think anybody would want to pair up with him.

Fourth grade also marked the fifth straight year I was in class with Sam G.
Every year through grade school, Sam and I were in the same class.

I also got into a fight with Mitchell during recess one day. I had to sit on the sidewalk for a long time.

Further perusing my journal, I remember a kid we called Bubba, who laughed at everything another kid named Steven did. And Bubba never paid attention during math. So one day, while Bubba was at the chalkboard working a problem, Mrs. Dodgen had us all turn and watch the back wall, laughing at something Steven was doing.

I had a Dark Crystal lunchbox.

Weird the things you remember.
The Top Five

Because it's my blog and I can talk about whatever I want...and because I've managed to keep the pro-wrestling talk on this blog to a now, my top five favorite professional wrestling matches.

5. Roddy Piper beats the Mountie to win the WWF Intercontinental Title, Royal Rumble 1992

Wrestling is vengeance stories. Generally, it's a righteous vengeance. Plain and simple. It's a tough world we live in, where a lot of us feel wronged some of the time. And simply put, most of us when wronged, simply have to bite the bullet and live with the wrong. But in wrestling, it's a whole different story.

The Mountie (Jacques Rougeau in a ridiculous evil-Canadian gimmick) had beaten Bret Hart in an untelevised house show for the title. Hart had "against doctor's orders, wrestled with a fever of 103!!!!!!"

Piper felt the Mountie had taken advantage of his cousin Bret Hart, and set out to avenge him.

It's not a great match athletically...both guys are from the school of throwing punches and then stalling to amp up the crowd.

The Mountie had a stupid shock prod, too, which he would use illegally from time to time. In typical righteous vengeance form, Piper was able to take the prod from him, and use it against the bad guy.

I just like this match for Roddy's celebration afterward, as it was the only title he ever won in his time with the WWF.

4. Low Ki vs. A.J. Styles vs. Jerry Lynn, triple ladder match.

This is my favorite match that I've ever seen in person. At the NWA TNA asylum last summer, this match was the climax of a marathon 4.5 hour taping session. Most of the crowd had already left to go home, but those who stayed were in for a treat.

Jerry Lynn and A.J. Styles had feuded over the course of the summer over A.J.'s X-Division Title. Low Ki surprisingly upset A.J. one night. And the next week, A.J. fought Jerry to see who would next fight Low Ki. When no decisive winner emerged from that contest, Low Ki came to the ring and challenged them both to a Three Man Ladder Match....and promptly kicked them both in the head when they agreed.

The match is absolutely great. Many spots where you have to ask yourself "why does a grown man choose to do this?" They were hitting each other with the ladder and jumping off the ladder and throwing each other into the ladder. It's great. Jerry Lynn piledrives LowKi off an 8 foot ladder to win the thing.

3. Ric Flair vs. Ricky "the Dragon" Steamboat, Clash of Champions VI

Remember what I said about vengeance stories? Well, wrestling also likes the underdog, by and large. And Steamboat was the underdog, by and large.

This match took place in 1989, and was probably the career-defining moment for Ricky Steamboat. He was coming back to the Mid-Atlantic region and WCW after a few years of working for Vince McMahon's WWF...where he achieved some success, but seemed stuck behind the Hulkamania machine from ever reaching the World Title.

Flair was WCW's constant heel champion. He was a bad guy, and the good guys were always trying to take the brass ring from him. He's probably the best heel we've had over the past few years...people love to hate Flair.

The match was 2 out of 3 falls. Steamboat took the first fall, if I'm remembering right, making Flair submit for the first time I could remember at the time (I was 12) to a Chicken-Wing submission...which, we discovered later, if done right, didn't hurt at all...but if done wrong, could easly dislocate both shoulders!

Flair won the second fall, but Steamboat won the third fall, in what was actually one of the better story-telling angles I remember....Flair's foot was under the ropes, but referee (Teddy Long, I believe) didn't see it. So Steamboat was champ...but the rules stated that Flair had a right to a re-match, since the match ended controversially.

2. Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart, Wrestlemania X.

Bret Hart is my favorite wrestler of all time. And this was his best match. And he had to fight his own brother!

Probably one of the WWF's best jobs of stretching things out over a long period of time, yet losing none of the intensity. The animosity between the brothers Hart began in the summer of 1993, not too long after Bret had lost the World Title to Yokozuna!

But things would die down. Bret and Owen would get into a shoving match, only to be calmed down. At the Survivor Series, Bret and Owen would team with two other brothers Keith and Bruce against a team of evil Knights.

Owen was the only Hart brother eliminated from that match. He was distracted when Bret was knocked to the ground when Owen was rebounding off the ring ropes, and Owen ended up getting pinned by Shawn Michaels.

After the rest of the brothers Hart won, Owen came out to re-join the celebration, but instead got into a shoving match with brother Bret, whom he blamed for distracting him. Owen challenged Bret to a match.

But cooler heads prevailed, and the two made up, and vowed to team up to take the Tag Team titles from Jacques Rougeau and Karl Oulette at the 1994 Royal Rumble.

It didn't happen. An injured Bret didn't tag in his brother Owen, instead trying to win the match himself, and Bret got pinned.

Owen went ballistic. He kicked Bret's injured legs out from under him.

And the two would meet at Wrestlemania, in the opening contest. It was the first of two matches for Bret, who would also face the winner of the Lex Luger/Yokozuna match for the World Title.

It's a technical marvel, in my mind. One of the best exhibitions you'll ever see. Owen wins with a victory roll out of nowhere. It was a good match between two of the better athletes to ever wrestle. This is not your punch and kick and stall classic.

The win came out of nowhere. And you thought that there'd be a mutual respect after the match....but no. Owen went backstage and trashed his brother.

Later in the night, Bret would come out of nowhere to pin Yokozuna to regain the World Title. There was a huge celebration in the ring afterward. Owen refused to join them....and it left an interesting question. Owen had proven he was Bret's equal, if not superior. Could Owen be World Champ?

1. Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat, Wrestlemania III

I hated Randy Savage. This, you have to understand. Remember how I said wrestling was vengeance? Well, Randy Savage, in the eyes of this 10-year-old, needed his behind handed to him badly.

He was the Intercontinental Champion. After having gained the title under questionable circumstances 16 or so months earlier, he had become the most fighting champion in WWF history.

He beat everybody. Fairly. And then he would beat on them. He would attack them after the match. Before matches. When they weren't even scheduled to fight.

He crushed Ricky Steamboat's windpipe.

You have to understand that I was 10, and all this was completely real to me. Pro Wrestling was a competition. A violent competition, yes, but it was real. And things were supposed to happen between the ropes and between the bells. And there were things you just did not do.

On an episode of Saturday Night's Main Event (I could have been WWF's syndicated show Superstars), Randy Savage took the ring bell and dove off the top rope with it in hand, and hit Ricky Steamboat in the throat. And Ricky, who could sell the hell out of any move, making anything look real and painful, writhed around in agony, clutching his throat, while announcers screamed "He can't breathe!"

He was out for a little while, but not long.

Steamboat came back on another episode of Saturday Night's Main Event. And a match was set for Wrestlemania III.

And in front of 93,177 people in the Pontiac Silverdome, Savage (who was as infuriatingly good as he said he was) and Steamboat went at it for 17 minutes. It had everything, but in the space of 17 minutes, they told the best in-ring story that could be told.

They fought. They bit. But in the end, Steamboat won out. It wasn't a big finish like all of today's matches have to be. Steamboat rolled Savage up into a small package, and the referee counted 1-2-3. And it was over. And Savage had been beaten. Dejected, he rode back to the back with Miss Elizabeth doing her best to comfort him.

It was awesome. The good guy had won, and the bad guy had lost...where it the ring.

Steamboat lost the belt two months later and by November, was friends with a newly turned good-guy Randy Savage. It was one of the things that made me start to realize that it was all show.

Because if a guy crushed my windpipe with a ring bell, maybe I could forgive him. But I wouldn't team with him in a Survivor Series match. No way. No how.

Thanks for reading, if you've gotten this far.

Now back to the nostril jokes....

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Kerry Wood's Bad Day

Kerry went out for the Cubbies today and had him his worst outing in three years. He didn't have his best stuff.

Now, I'm not for intentionally hitting a guy, but I feel like the best thing Kerry could have done this afternoon is, with his first pitch, plunk Dave Roberts in the ribs and back him off the plate.

Waitaminnit. I guess I'm all for hitting a guy on purpose.

Make the Dodgers fear you. Kerry's in the upper echelon of fireballers nowadays, but at one point, Paul LoDuca's head is in line with the umpire's and Damian Miller's--he had no fear of Mr. Wood today. None of the Dodgers did.

I think if he'd plunked Roberts, it might have made a couple other of the Dodgers think about standing over the plate like they did.

We had hoagies for supper. And there was much discussion as to whether mustard goes on them or not.
Interesting Search String

Here are a few of the search strings that have yielded hits on my blog, here, according to Bravenet. I wish I was making these up.

Vin Diesel nude
Ariana Huffington bio/biography
Ryne Sandberg nude
Ryne Sandberg marriage
Ryne Sandberg clutch hitter
Houston Astros
Stephanie McMahon nude
Keira Knightley nude
Deborah Renshaw nude
Double A Arn Anderson naked pictures
Samoyan dogs
Samoyan cats
Warren Ellis
Mick Foley
Tietam Brown
Reno 911 soundbites
Big Stupid and Ugly
Busy Mom Blog
New Police Academy Movie
Police Academy stills
Pictures of Sweetchuck from Police Academy
Pics of Hightower from Police Academy
Leslie Easterbrook Police Academy nude
Head of the Class sounds
Corey Patterson knee injury
Corey Patterson nude
Goldilocks nude
Trinity NWA-TNA nude

A lot of people apparently looking for naked pictures on the internet. Also, an inordinate amount of people searching for pictures of Sweetchuck. Don't any of you people have jobs?

But now, the top three search strings I see:

3. "Stupid"--I see the search for "Stupid" almost every day off a google search. And I googled stupid the other day, and when I didn't come up on the first thirty hits, was was a little relieved. Occasionally, also, I'll see searches for "Big Stupid guy."

2. Paul Levesque and Stephanie McMahon wedding registry--Paul Levesque/Leveque is Triple H from the WWF. And Stephanie McMahon is the daughter of Vince McMahon. And they're getting married this fall. And somewhere in my blog I have a link to their wedding registry. For a couple of days, if you googled the phrase "Paul Levesque/Stephanie McMahon wedding registry," this blog was the second thing that came up right after the store hosting their registry.

And the #1 search string that I see whenever I look on my counter:

1. Tommy Lee's penis. Sometimes, big is in there. But usually not. It disturbs me, actually, that I see that search as much as I do. And I wonder if the people looking for pictures or whatever, come here, and are disappointed. Are they sad? Are they angry?

The sad irony, I think, is that by posting all this, I'm probably going to double my hits in some of these categories.

Friday, August 15, 2003

First's an odd feeling

As a Cubs fan, let me say I fully appreciate the position the Cubbies are in. It's a been a long time since they've been in sole possession of first place in any division this late in the season.

However, I feel a little ill at ease. As with all things with the Cubs, with as many things as have happened since just wonder what can (and will) go wrong. Murphy was a Cubs fan.

Also, it sounds rough, I know, but it's odd to not have much to gripe about with the baseball season, at this point.

It's an odd feeling...
Cubs in First Place

For at least a little while, on this, the 15th of August in the Year of our Lord 2003, the Cubs share a piece of first place in the Central Division of the National League.

They beat the Dodgers 2-1 this afternoon. And they're tied with Houston and St. Louis, until the Astros play the Reds and the Cardinals play the Phillies about an hour and a half for now.

But I'll enjoy it in the mean time.
Fair and Balanced Trade

Heard about this on ESPN radio.

A Yankees fan is trying to sell the rights to Jeff Weaver.

Since he went on the radio...the current bidding is up to 99,999,999 dollars.
Fair and Balanced Job Interviews

I won't go too far into it. But I am not a fan of the following questions during job interviews:

1.) What did you like about your last job?
2.) What did you dislike about your last job?
3.) What are your biggest weaknesses?

Because none of them are terribly fair and balanced, in my view.

But that's neither here nor there.
Fair and Balanced Friday Five

Big Stupid Tommy's Friday Five.

I've reported my answers in the fair and balanced Fox News style.

1. How much time do you spend online each day?

Somehow, the other day, Big Stupid Tommy managed to be online for 26 hours. Don't know how, since last time I checked, there were just 24 hours in a day! He could have spent that time doing anything worthwhile...helping a charity, mowing the grass, chasing the homeless or, dare I say, finding a job.

2. What is your browser homepage set to?

Our sources were unable to find out the exact page BSTommy goes to first, but mark our words, the page is either bleeding-heart liberal, completely paranoid, self-important, or it is of no redeeming value....but I repeat myself.

3. Do you use any instant messaging programs? If so, which one(s)?

I'll give Big Stupid Tommy credit. He's too smart to use any IM messages to talk to his pinko friends. He knows that anything he says, in most worlds, would get him tried for treason!

4. Where was your first webpage located?

We have yet to positively link Big Stupid Tommy with the page: Saddam's Mosque of Very Weird Porno, Gorey Movie Images, Stolen Fox Television .wav Files and Progressive Communist Thought....but he's run that page for 24 years, since before even the internet was started.

5. How long have you had your current website?

Becase he's too lazy to actually do html, too poor to actually buy or rent a domain name and server space and probably too stupid to run a webpage on his own, Big Stupid Tommy has been running his blog page for right around nine months. He's due anytime....

Now. In the interest of fairness and balance, Big Stupid Tommy is allowed to rebut and answer on his own:

ahem: 1. an hour or two 2. 3. don't IM too much 4. this blog is my first homepage 5. they're pretty much on the mark with the fifth answer

Today's Friday Five, with apologies to the Bob and Tom show, is brought
to you by D.T.'s Pizza (formerly Shakey's).

I didn't write that last joke, but when they said it on the radio, I about sent sandwich up my nose.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Power Out in New York

Big blackout in New york.

Could be, is even probably an overload due to the heat.

But it makes you think terrorism pretty quick, doesn't it?
Quick Baseball Games

The Cardinals Pirates game was a quick game. Came in right around 2:15 or so.

The Cubs are playing the Astros, and the Astros have their knuckleballer Jared Fernandez going. The Cubs got a couple of quick runs off him via a Big Choi double in the first. They're still up 2-0. Matt Clement just made the ugliest swing I've ever seen against Fernandez.

And I just wanted to post a note of support to my friend Diane, who's "about to go mad," and understandably so. I told her I'd finish a story to help entertain if that ain't pressure to accomplish something, I don't know what is.

Got another job interview tomorrow morning. Wish me some frigging luck.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

The Funniest Show on Television

Reno 911 on Comedy Central

The one cop just called jail "the booty house." And then the cops bet the kid he couldn't jump to the next roof over on his bike. That's great.

Kerri Kenney's Deputy Weigel is probably the funniest character.
Friday is Fair and Balanced Day

Just a note: In support of fair satire in all its forms, Friday is Fair and Balanced Day across the blogosphere. Bloggers are invited to be "fair and balanced" in the most creative of ways.

And my response to this whole Al Franken/Fox News mess? Is everybody a bozo nowadays? Ye Gods. Nobody's confusing Al with Fox News.

Why can't they just leave each other alone? Let the one keep spouting bad comedy...and let the other go on being Stuart Smalley.

Update: The controversy has shot Al's book to the top of their order list. It shot from #800 to #1.

Maybe it's a conspiracy. Maybe O'Reilly is getting a cut of Al's sales, by forcing the lawsuit and bringing publicity, as pointed out by Tainted Bill in this here comment section.

Amazon info pointed out on Fark.
A little wired and a little weird.

Can't sleep. Listening to Coast to Coast, with your host, George Noory. Problem is, the topic of the first hour got me to thinking.

They were talking about shadow figures and strange forces people have had encounters with.

So here's my story. Nothing terribly scary. But my parents have a ghostie in their house. Maybe more than one. But there is definitely something.

Mom thinks it's gone. She believes it's attached to something either April or I have carried off from the house.

I don't agree that it's gone.

A few stories.

One time, the family was in the TV Room in the basement, along with our Golden Retriever, Molly. We were watching TV or a movie. The door to the TV Room looks out into the basement, which is largely empty. Out of the corners of all our eyes, we all see something walk past the door in the basement. All of us, including the dog, turn to look. I remember thinking "Who was that?" Then the dog jumped up and gave the most horrific growl I can remember that sweet dog ever giving. The hackles on her neck when up. She went tearing into the basement. After a second, I went out, and saw Molly looking around confusedly. I was a little confused, too.

But I also felt like I didn't want to be down there anymore.

More than a few times since then, I've been down in the basement, and for no good apparent reason, a dark feeling just kind of washes over you, and I just don't want to be down there anymore.

It's happened as recently as three or four weeks ago. I was in the basement doing laundry one night. And I just got that feeling of being watched. And I figured it was my Dad or one of the cats following me down. But I was alone. And for no good reason, all the hairs on my neck stood up.


You'll see little things out of the corner of your eye. Small things. Cats, I call them. I'll see them, and I'll think one of the cats has followed me downstairs, and when I turn to look, there's nothing there.

Mom and Dad will tell you that it's nothing. But at the same time, they don't hang out in the old TV room in the basement anymore. I don't know if it was a conscious decision...they got a sunroom...but neither of them spends a lot of time down there anymore.

Another basement thing: Sally, the little black lab, won't stay in the basement by herself. Maximus, the pug, isn't allowed down there...but he listens only when he wants to. I don't think he much wants to go down there. Cricket, my grandmother's old pomeranian, would stand on the stair landing, and bark.

The only cat, now that I think about it, who stays down there on her own is Miss Kitty, a big black cat. And she's not right in the head.

But the basement doesn't stay with me. Whatever's down there isn't evil, I think. I think it's territorial, which, as an Acuff, I can understand.

Other things:

One time, I was home by myself on a Christmas break. My folks and sister had gone out of town for New Years. I was up late (insomnia) reading. And I heard someone coming up the stairs toward my bedroom. So naturally, I freak. I had a baseball bat on my shelf, and I grabbed it. I stood next to my doorway, hearing the steps on the staircase...when all of a sudden they turned and ran down the steps.

I ran out into the hall, and didn't see anybody. Armed with the bat, I searched the house pretty good.

I'd gone back upstairs and sat, when I heard it again: steps on the stairs. This time, I just stepped out in the hallway with the bat, and the sounds just stopped. But I got that distinct "Being Watched" feeling. I remember saying out loud something along the lines of "I've got to get to sleep, now" and "Knock it off."

I heard the steps once more, but nothing else. I didn't get much sleep, though.

That bothered me. But it hasn't happened since.

And there are other little things.

My keys went missing off the counter once when I was in high school when I was home alone. I went to look in another room and I heard the sound of metal on countertop. And there were my keys on a clean counter that had previously been empty.

And things will jump off shelves, sometimes. This happened at Christmas, but I don't think my folks believed me, when a wooden Santa carving jumped off the mantle piece while we were eating. I remember setting it back on the mantle, and finding it on the floor again later that night when I went to get a drink of water.

Occasionally an upstairs radio and, on one occasion, my TV in my room, turned itself on.

I had a couple of Batman toys that liked to jump off my bookcase, too.

And that doesn't really bother me, either.

And then there was the time I was downstairs, and my sister was upstairs, and my parents were out someplace. And April and I both heard somebody yell for me. I thought it was my Dad and they'd gotten home. I yelled back: "Yeah?" After getting no response, I asked April if she'd heard Dad, and she said "yeah."

That bothered me, but I got over it.

And I guess I'll close with the cat eyes.

And my sister lobbied hard when we were kids to switch bedrooms. We were both upstairs, and she kept saying she wanted the bigger room, with more windows, or something. And one day, I just said "okay." And we switched rooms.
I think it was a snow day, and we just were itching for something to do.

But I also kinda think that she had the cat eyes, and she wanted out of the room. Every now and then, even as lately as this spring, I'll wake up and see cat eyes. Just for a second, as I woke up. Up someplace. On a shelf. On the dresser. Even on the crossbeams up on the ceiling. Small, animal eyes, close together, glowing a cat. And then you wake up, and there's no cat in the room. And no way for the cat to get in, or up there or wherever. And no light for the eyes to be reflecting.

That still freaks me out.
I'm unique

I haven't talked much about it here.

I'm not working anywhere. You know. For money.

I didn't talk about my job much when I had one, so I'm not going to talk much about not having one, either. This is my own private forum where I get to talk about what I want to talk know, decide what it is and define just a little bit who I am.

I'm generally impressed very little by the person who defines themselves by their jobs. I'm trying to separate the working part of my life as much as possible from the other part of my life, even while unemployed. You to live, not live to work.

However, I have mentioned a couple of times before that I'm currently not employed. I've stopped short of using the phrases "out of work" and "unemployed," if only to asuage my own ego. If I say I'm not employed, I can pretend it's of my own volition.

And it was. I left my previous employer a couple of months ago. I wasn't impressed with the direction of the company, the decisions of management, and (most of all) how I'd been treated over the previous 3 to 6 month period. I worked for a non-profit organization dedicated to helping a certain group of people, and as I saw it, we weren't doing everything we could have been toward our goal, nor had we been for a long time. When I spoke up about it, I was branded a troublemaker.

Let me say this and make no mistake about it: I'm still quite happy that I no longer work there. The amount of gratification I got from my job, emotional and monitary, nowhere nearly equalled the amount of bullshit I was subjected to or the amount of stress and irritation I was taking home with me on a daily basis.

Toward the end of my time there, I was dreaming about my job. I'd go in, work for eight, nine, even ten and eleven hours. And then I'd sleep, and dream the whole night about sorting or about one of the guys I was supervising.

So, I think it was a good thing to get out when I did.

That said, I'm really quite irritated now about something entirely different. This damned lack of a damned income due to this damned lack of a damned job.

Here's my point about being unique.

See, I got told today that basically, I'm overqualified for a position, but they'll keep my name on file.

This on the heels of being underqualified for another position I tried for recently.

Of the jobs that have actually spoken to me and told me that I've not gotten the job, I've either been under or overqualified for just about everything. I've not been keeping score, but I believe it's running just about even.

That's why I think I'm unique.

There's one group of jobs out there. And then there's the other.

And I'm in the singular position of being overqualified for the first group and underqualified for the second. I'm all liminal and shit. Belonging truly to neither group.

Actually, I know that I'm not all that unique. I'm having the same problem that all the other unemployed out there are.

I've got my name in with a couple of Temp Services, now. I bugged one of them this afternoon, and was informed that I have to I understand I'm pretty far down the line right now. I understood that, I said, but that doesn't make it any easier to stomach.

I should mention that I got a nice offer of help from a regular reader who said my site was "funny as shit." And I don't know that I ever thanked him properly. Thanks for all your help, Robert. As a one legged man once told me: You're a good dude, and good things will happen to you.

The trick, so they say, is to not get discouraged and keep plugging.

Alright. I won't get discouranged and I'll keep trying.

But tonight, I needed a little extra stress relief over the whole thing.

So I stood on the corner of Greenland and Tennessee yelling things at cars as they passed by tonight. You know. Things like "Punk Ass!" and "Dumb Ass!" and even "Spurious Cur!" I even beat up a guy in a clown suit. And I held up the Mexican Restaurant at gunpoint.

No. That's not true. But I did call a driver a shithead when it went by too fast on the road during my walk and sent spray from its tires up onto me.

Things are looking up. I've got my prospects. And I just have to remember that the job does not define the man.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Shoe Contract

David Beckham may be getting the biggest endorsement deal ever from Adidas to promote their shoes.

This in the heels of LeBron James' and Kobe Bryant's multi-million dollar deals from Nike.

I've decided to offer my services to the nice people over at New Balance. They make very nice sneakers.

And I've offered my services to them as a spokesperson for the relatively low price of $61,320.

I expect them to be knocking my door down.

As a feller who wears a big show (14E), I like New Balance because they make shoes for those of us with A.) A big Giant Foot, and B.) A big Wide Foot.

I've got a pair of Nikes that are 14 and 1/2, but they pinch my foot around the ball. They aren't wide enough, and Nike doesn't make most of their shoes with wide sizes available to most stores. They have to be special ordered. Same with Reebok.
David Letterman's Hall of Famer Top Ten

Dave is in re-runs this week, but I caught last night's Top Ten. The topic was, the Top Ten Perks of Being a Member of the National Baseball Hall of Fame.

The Hall of Famers reading the list were all great.

Now, in the order of appearance, they were:

10. Lou Brock
9. Harmon Killebrew
8. Brooks Robinson
7. Ralph Kiner
6. Rollie Fingers
5. Bob Gibson
4. Phil Niekro
3. Bob Feller
2. Ozzie Smith
1. Gary Carter

Incidentally, Ralph Kiner had the best combination of joke and performance. His was, "All the Rosin I can Eat!"

I liked number 9 as the best joke, but Harmon Killebrew's read was a little off.

Used to watch Dave all the time. Even had one of my letters read by him on a CBS Mailbag segment, way back in 1996 or 1997. Here lately, I've been watching different stuff when he's on. Baseball Tonight, or Cartoon Network. I think I'll be watching West Wing re-runs on Bravo. What I saw on the weekend really impressed me.
The Game Show Network helps out

And while I'm a big fan of GSN's Feud Tuesdays, this is very near genius:

The Game Show Network will hold a debate among 5 candidates in California's race for Governor, and they'll do it with buzz-in answers. The prize will be the maximum donation for candidates under state law.

I wonder if they'll be using the truly unknown candidates, like the 100-year old woman I saw on the NBC News the other night...or if they'll be using the B, C and D-grade celebrities who are running, like Gallagher, Angelyne and THE MAN Gary Coleman.

Would Emmanuel Lewis qualify to be Gary's Lieutenant Governor?

Saw the link a couple of places, among them Say Uncle.
I'm quiz-happy

Saw this a couple of places, among them Tainted Bill:

Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

"With the prowess of a seasoned samurai and the wisdom of a wizard, you try to do the sort of things that root out evil.

The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded."

Monday, August 11, 2003

Subliminal Thoughts

Seen in Missives Anonymous

Word Assocation:

I say … and you think … ?

Miss America:: Overrated
Cherubs:: diapers
Shark Week:: Animal Planet
Sunflowers:: Seeds
Sorority:: Sisters
Grilled chicken:: Barbecue
100:: Dollars
Tickle monster:: Scary
Veronica:: Archie
Slurpee:: Seven Eleven

Please direct any reasonable discussion as to how screwed up I am to my parents, and also my sixth grade math teacher, who nicknamed me "Awful K'Nawful" just because I rammed a four-wheeler into a pickup truck.
So Frigging Hot

I would like to re-call the summer, please. Who the hell voted for all this mess? Instead of summer, from now on, I would like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Autumn, Winter, Spring, Schwarzenegger. And after school you'd have a Schwarzenegger Vacation. And there'd be Schwarzenegger School for those kids who didn't pass Algebra. And Major League Baseball's All-Star break would be called the Mid-Schwarzenegger Classic. And that old surfing movie would become Endless Schwarzenegger.

We're still deciding if the hostess of Beg, Borrow & Deal would become Schwarzenegger Sanders.

It's so hot outside.

Well. Not as hot as it could be. I think it's supposed to be 103 in Wichita today. That's hotter. By some degree.

But I went to La Vergne (the town) to see about employment. I'm enthusiastic about my chances where I applied, by the way. I'm not high on the idea of working for another huge company where I'm but a cog in the machine...but the money situation's getting down to the nitty ya gotta do what ya gotta do, I guess.

But it's soooooo hot outside.

I think I brain my damaged.

See, when I'm not working or applying for work, I dress like I'm 12. From April through about Halloween or so, I'm a shorts and T-Shirt type of feller. I'm just more comfortable. So wearing long pants (britches), especially in the summer, is a bit alien to me. My legs get hot.

Add to that the fact that I decided to wear a black golf shirt down that way.

And add to that my pickup truck is also black. And it has no air conditioning.

And it looked like rain when I went in with my resume and to fill out the application, so I rolled my windows all the way up.

I came back out, and I'd just been inside about a half hour or so, and the truck was like a blast furnace. I rolled down the windows. But I couldn't get a breeze, because I went during La Vergne's lunch hour, and there are only about 14 big warehouse type places, with roughly 2.4 million people all trying to go to Hardee's.

It took me ten minutes to get someplace where a nice breeze blew.

And I don't want to have to suffer like that again.

I didn't vote for summer, so I shouldn't have to accept the fact that summer won the election.

So. When we vote. You vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger to replace Summer.
More Funny AOL Headlines

The headline read only "God Willing, I will be back!"

And the picture showing was of the late Gregory Hines.

Out of sync revolving pictures and headlines from AOL's front page. One was from Liberian dictator Charles Taylor's speech, and the picture, of course to let us the death of Gregory Hines.
Stupid Rafael Palmeiro

Palmeiro didn't accept a trade to the Cubs. Instead, he wants to help his team get back to .500, and then (I would assume) get his feet set and his rear end ready for when the Rangers don't re-sign him in the off season. All that loyalty, and he'll still have to go someplace else. I mean, it's not like the Rangers don't have Hank Blalock, Mark Texeira and a badass first base prospect that they got when they traded Urbina to the Marlins.

Like I said, if it's me, and I've never won a World Series ring and the club I'm being traded to has a slim chance...but a better chance than the Rangers, and I'm making millions of dollars regardless, and I'm going to get dropped like a toilet seat at the end of the season by either club anyway....I'm going to the contender. I could handle a couple of months away from the wife and kids. But that's just me.

But it's just as well. Big Choi's doing okey dokey and I can handle the platoon with Karros.

The Cubbies are 2.5 out of first. They'll seven of the next ten against the team in first place.

IT's been a little while since it's been this way for the Cubbies.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

The Funniest Commercials

I don't know who does the Michael Waltrip/NAPA commercials that air during the NASCAR races, but I hope they've gotten some manner of award.

They had a good one earlier this season where Dale Jr. and Steve Park were making fun of Waltrip.

The one where Michael and Dale Earnhardt Jr. are sitting next to each other, and Dale Jr. hears a voice in his head? That takes the cake.

He accuses Michael: How are you making me hear voices in my head?

I like the leap it takes to forego the idea that people would get if you admitted you're hearing voices and accuse the guy next to you of being the voice in your head.

And it's even funnier because I believe Michael Waltrip honestly does have mind powers. He just looks like the type.

Also, I suspect that I'll get about 6 hits in the next couple of days just because I've written the words Dale Jr. on my page.
Always remember...Arnold's the Good Guy

Tainted Bill comments upon the Rev. Lou Sheldon and Arnold Schwarzenegger's foes.

Although, he was Mr. Freeze. Though, if there was anything good about Batman and Robin, it was that Mr. Freeze is written as something of a sympathetic villain. Arnold's performance and the direction of Joel "Franchise Killer" Schumacher, however, did nothing to help.